Every day, I work with children, adolescents, and adults who feel left out of their social circles. They tell me how challenging it is to maintain friendships or relationships, and how alone they often feel. This isn't unique to my clients. Everyone, at some time or another, knows what it feels like to be an outsider. Whether it is a child wanting to fit in with the "popular" group, or an adult wishing their friendship or romantic relationship would work out differently, the feeling of rejection or exclusion is universal.
There is a song by Jordan Pruitt called Outside Looking In. It includes the following lyrics:
You don't know how it feels, to be outside the crowd.
You don't know what it's like, to be left out.
And you don't know how it feels, to be your own best friend
On the outside looking in.
If you could read my mind, you might see more of me than meets the eye.
And you've been all wrong, Not who you think I am.
You've never given me a chance.
These lyrics resonate with me on so many levels. I can think back to when I was in grade school, and remember specific incidents where I felt excluded from a group. Alternatively, I can see it with my own children and their peers, and all of the relational aggression that occurs within friendships. As an adult, I still can relate to it, whether it be a friend leaving me out, or people that judge me without really knowing me or what I'm about. I believe these lyrics are something everyone can relate to in some way.
Sometimes, the phrase "on the outside looking in" can have other meanings, besides about exclusion. For example, my clients often tell me that they feel they have wonderful lives...if you were to be looking from the outside. They acknowledge that they are fortunate to have good things in their world, whether that be financial security, meaningful relationships with family and friends, a career they enjoy, etc. They tell me that other people don't think they really have a "reason" to be unhappy, or anxious, or fill-in-the-blank with any other psychological symptom. However, they feel they are struggling on the inside. I tell them that just because the pieces of the puzzle are all there, it doesn't mean that they are fitting together in the best way possible. Perhaps there are more pieces that need to be included, or the pieces that exist need to be rearranged, or perhaps recognized as being an important part of the whole. Whatever the case, it usually means something has to change, whether that be an attitude, a thought process, a behavior, or actual life changes. More often than not, I find that feeling on the outside of something (such as distance in a marriage or feeling left out at work) is the cause of much of my clients' unhappiness.
Even though we grow up to become adults who can be anyone we want to be, we still carry with us the pressures of childhood and fears of not fitting in. Even though there is a whole world out there, with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds, as adults, we still sometimes tend to live within the microcosm of high school mentality. Maybe it's not as evident as it was in grade school, but as adults, cliques still abound. What I find in my work with my clients is that whether they are elementary school students, middle school students, high school students, college students, or fully grown adults in the work force, the need to belong and feel valued just doesn't seem to go away.
When I got diagnosed with cancer, and I was wishing I had family in town, or a husband to help me though it, I had a friend tell me that I was not alone. My friend reassured me that there were people out there in the world praying for me, people I didn't even know that were fighting for me. Those words (whether they were true or not) really affected me, and even as I sit here now writing them, they bring tears to my eyes. As Michael Jackson's song lyrics state, "You are not alone. I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart. You are not alone." When life gets tough, and you feel alone, remember that there are people out there that care about you. If you are reading this blog, even though we may never have met, know that I am one of those people. You don't have to feel you are on the outside looking in. You don't have to feel left out. You don't have to feel like you are "supposed" to be anyone except exactly who you really are.
