THERE IS A LOT OF PEE IN THE DATING POOL...AND SOME OF US CAN'T SWIM

Perhaps the title of this blog post catches you by surprise.  Perhaps it sounds inappropriately sarcastic, or even confusing. Or perhaps, it gives you a small chuckle, as it resonates in some way with your own experiences. Whatever way you view it, I believe it adequately speaks to many people's perception of the current state of dating. Yet, despite the bad rap that dating gets in 2025, there are still some positive things to consider. However, let's first take a closer look at the negative side.  

"There is a lot of pee in the dating pool" seems to be a common phrase among single people. While this refers to the lack of potential quality mates that single people encounter, it does not fully express the true challenges of the current state of the dating world.  So I have added, "And some of us can't swim." We all know if there is pee in the pool, nobody wants to swim in it, and it is hard to avoid it if we try.  And, if you're not a good swimmer, and you're simply focused on staying afloat, you might not realize the pee is there. Likewise, when it comes to dating, you cannot avoid that of which you are not aware.  It can be difficult to find a good partner (and sometimes even a good date), as many people are not truthful about who they are, or what kind of intentions they have.  Others may be transparent about these things, but may lack a desire for anything substantial, while some may even admit to not actually being single. It can be challenging to figure out how to navigate through the cloudy waters of the dating pool, not knowing what to expect, or whom to trust.  In today's dating world, it is easy to become overwhelmed with all kinds of obstacles that did not exist in previous times. For example, dating apps can be confusing and tedious for singles, and can be fraught with undesirable mates. Additionally, today's dating language includes terms like situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, lovebombing, and catfishing, to name a few.  There is an entire new lexicon to learn that describes possible unfortunate experiences and outcomes for singles who are out in the world trying to date. 

As we know, individuals have all kinds of reasons for wanting to find a significant other, whether that be finding a life partner, or a friend with benefits, or anything in between.  Often you will see dating app profiles that jokingly state, "I am looking for a new emergency contact'" but this is only partly facetious.  Such challenges, like who to rely on in an emergency, or even with whom to spend the holidays, are real obstacles that uncoupled individuals must face.  As a psychologist (and a single person), I am well versed in the pros and cons of being single and dating.  I have learned, both professionally while working with my clients, and personally through my own experiences meeting people, that many singles struggle in ways that partnered individuals do not. Some singles can be so confused about their own values and needs, that they can't know how to be a good partner to someone else.  I have met individuals that have been trying to fill the void of single life with all kinds of replacement activities and emotional avoidance strategies, which are often maladaptive, and may end up hurting someone else. When we consider all of the possible negative outcomes of meeting someone new, it is no surprise that the dating pool has been described as one filled with pee. 

So with all of these dating difficulties, what is a single person to do? Fortunately, it is not all a cesspool of urinary waste! Dating can provide opportunities to meet individuals with whom you might not otherwise cross paths.  Dating apps allow people to interact with people from all over their state, country, and even the world.  While not all dates may lead to relationships, sometimes, the dating world is a gateway for interesting conversations and even new friendships.  In fact, these days, dating apps have friendship options, where you can connect with other singles who share common interests and are also looking to make new friends.  Years of research has shown us that social interaction, and social support, are essential to living satisfying, psychologically healthy, and even physically healthy lives. Yet, making friends as a single person is not always easy.  It can be common for married friends to have difficulty understanding what it is like to be single, and they are often busy with their own spouse and families.  Many singles describe feeling like the "third wheel" when socializing with their coupled friends.  Likewise, I was once invited to a married friend's house for a holiday.  When she changed her mind and decided to invite only couples instead, I suddenly found myself disinvited, without any holiday plans. While her decision was hurtful, I am guessing she couldn't understand the reasons it felt that way, as she likely never had to be alone on a holiday. 

Fortunately, these days there are all kind of options for social groups for single people. Singles can join social groups to meet others with common interests and enjoy all kinds of activities, whether that be to play pickleball, enjoy wine tasting, go to concerts, go kayaking, or anything else under the sun.  For some of us, that may sound awkward, right? (Remember what it felt like when you were in middle school, walking into the lunchroom, not knowing who you would sit with that day, and it seemed like everyone was part of some clique? Well, yeah, it can feel a bit like that.)  However, the good news is, it is not actually that way. At least, in my experience, at the few events I have attended for two different singles groups, I have found most people to be friendly and welcoming.  After all, as the title of a song from High School Musical tells us "We're all in this together." If we find other single friends that share similar life experiences, and can empathize with the challenges of single life and the dating world, then we are better able to enjoy all that life has to offer, and are likely to feel less alone while doing so. Years ago, I had a single client who would tell me at the beginning of each session "I really just want to surround myself with good people."  I think she had the right idea. 

After taking into account the dating pool obstacles described above, maybe the topic of this blog post would be best summarized as follows: There is a lot of pee in the dating pool, and some of us can't swim.  However, if we are willing to stay in the pool, and maybe flail around a bit until we get our bearings, we just might learn how to navigate the uncertain waters (and maybe even avoid the pee).  And while in the water, we may come across other swimmers who may help each other out, as we all try to make our way across the cloudy parts of the pool. We might learn some new swimming strokes along the way, or figure out which ones no longer serve us.  Regardless of how we swim, we may find that the dating pool can be a place where possibilities for fun, friendship, and perhaps even love, can be found.  

Now go put your feet in the water and get started!

"I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN": THOUGHTS ON SELF-EFFICACY

The concept of self-efficacy impacts many aspects of individuals' daily lives. Self-efficacy can be defined as a belief in one's own ability to succeed at a task or to accomplish one's goal. In other words, it is the self confidence that one will be effective at achieving a desired outcome.  

Canadian-born psychologist Albert Bandura, often referred to as one of the most influential psychologists in history, introduced the concept of self-efficacy.  He is credited with the statement, "Self-belief does not necessarily ensure success, but self-disbelief assuredly spawns failure."  Believing that you are capable of something makes it much more likely that you will succeed.  Self-efficacy can act as a motivator, as it can influence one's willingness to make an effort. It can also affect one's coping skills when faced with challenges. In my psychology practice, I have had some clients who, at the start of therapy, have felt that they were not confident in their own ability to use the tools of therapy to overcome obstacles in their lives.  Often, these clients would hesitate to initiate action based on the belief that they did not have the capacity to be successful in doing so. Yet, once they began employing the tools of therapy, they realized that they were competent and efficacious. They felt a sense of pride in having been able to effect change, which then motivated them to continue making further effort. 

It would seem that the flip side of self-efficacy is anxiety. If one has the belief that they can cope with whatever comes their way, they are less likely to experience anxiety during times of adversity. Those high in self-efficacy would be more likely to perceive challenges as conquerable. In contrast, individuals who have low self-efficacy may experience more anxiety and employ less adaptive coping strategies. Thinking you can handle something difficult if it happens decreases anxiety and fear, whereas thinking you can't handle something makes you more afraid, and perhaps more avoidant, of situations which may be challenging.  

We can all learn from the line "I think I can, I think I can," in the children's book The Little Engine That Could. Perseverance and positive thinking go a long way toward success. Whatever the challenge, whether it be confidence in one's ability to be successful at work, optimism that one can resolve a personal problem if it arises, or positive beliefs in one's ability to navigate obstacles in a relationship, the idea of self efficacy is central to all areas of life, during all phases of life. When you consider self-efficacy in terms of the lifespan, it might seem like ignorance is bliss.  For example, some people believe that youth think they are invincible (as the old saying goes).  I'll admit, my young adult children seem to have confidence that I, at times, may appear to lack. (I assume I used to be that way at their age though, too).  Now, in mid-life, there are times I feel less self-efficacious than I used to feel. Perhaps it goes along with the saying attributed to Albert Einstein, "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  

Simply put, as Helen Keller has been quoted, "Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  Perhaps we should add self-efficacy to that as well. A positive outlook and belief in oneself seem to be central to accomplishing all kinds of goals, at any age.  Maybe if there were a way to combine the optimism and fearlessness of youth, with the wisdom and experience of age, then we would all be able to exude high levels of self-efficacy. In the meantime, whatever obstacles we face, let's just keep reminding ourselves of The Little Engine That Could, and keep saying "I Think I Can, I Think I Can!"  

HEAR ME ROAR: RESILIENCE AND SENSITIVITY

For over the past decade, music superstar Katy Perry has gained mainstream popularity and media attention for her albums. She has released many hits over the years, including the song "Roar" which topped the charts in the United States and Canada.  The song promotes female empowerment and speaking up to advocate for oneself. Perry has described the song as being related to her personal journey of finding inner strength and resilience.  The lyrics to the chorus include the following:

"I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter

Dancing through the fire 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar."

The song speaks about finding one's own voice and claiming one's own power.  Following its release, Perry hosted a benefit for a breast cancer organization called the Young Survival Coalition, where she performed the song. Since then, "Roar" has often been used as a symbol of fighting cancer, as well as facing other adversities in life. 

"Roar" was released in August 2013, which happens to be the same time that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I have been cancer free ever since then, but over the years, I have had many people comment on my strength and resilience.  An ex-boyfriend of mine from many years ago had said on the day we met "You've had cancer, that must mean you're tough as nails." However, a few years later, he broke up with me and told me that I was not as strong as he assumed I would be.  Another ex-boyfriend told me throughout our relationship how much he admired my strength and resilience, and praised me for my optimism while conquering life's adversities. When our relationship ended, he told me that the breakup should not be difficult for me, since in his mind, it should be completely insignificant compared to things like cancer. While all of these comments were challenging to deal with at the time, they do shed light on the misperceptions surrounding the topics of strength, resilience, and sensitivity.  Resilience can be described as the ability to bounce back and thrive in the face of adversity.  Sensitivity is often referred to as a heightened awareness of one's own emotions along with empathy for others. Resilience and sensitivity are not mutually exclusive. (Apparently, those particular ex-boyfriends of mine did not see it that way). 

The clients that I see in my clinical psychology practice are the most resilient human beings I have ever encountered.  Each week, I am grateful that they are willing to share their struggles with me, as I admire  their strength and fortitude while assisting them in weathering life's storms.  As I help clients explore how to navigate their challenges, such as chronic illness, debilitating OCD and anxiety, and grief and loss, just to name a few, they often express feeling as though their sensitivity to emotional challenges makes them weak.  However, their sensitivity is a powerful tool rather than a hindrance.  Intuitive understanding of the world is resilience. Emotional intelligence is power. Empathy is strength.

In the television series "The Pitt" which takes place in a hospital emergency department at the fictional Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center, there are many moments where sensitivity and resilience intersect. For example, in one of the episodes, a young girl's drowning accident has a lasting emotional impact on Dr. Mel King, a second year resident. Dr. Langdon, a senior resident, says to Dr. King, "You're a sensitive person. This is a tough place for sensitive people. But we need you. Badly."  I agree with Dr. Langdon.  Sensitive people are a necessity in the world.  Yet, there are so many environments and situations in life which discourage sensitivity. However, the ability to be sensitive to others' needs as well as one's own provides the potential for improved communication, greater connection, and ultimately, increased life satisfaction. 

"Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee, I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground"

Like the lyrics of "Roar" remind us, we can persevere despite life's challenges. We can be our own hero by being both sensitive and resilient, for ourselves and for others. 

AUTHENTICITY AND LANDSLIDES

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson speaks to upholding one's authenticity in a world full of pressure to conform. Staying true to your own values, beliefs, and goals is not an easy task, especially in today's stressful society.

When I think about authenticity, my 22 year old daughter comes to mind.  My daughter is an excellent example of an individual who does not let other people's opinions determine who she is or how she lives her life. She is my oldest child, and she will be graduating from college in a few weeks.  I admire her strength and confidence, and her willingness to assert herself in ways that allow her to be seen and heard.  Recently, I went to see one of her dance performances at college.  She had choreographed a dance to the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  I was excited that she had chosen this piece of music, as I used to listen to the song constantly when I was studying abroad in college.  While it used to make me sad to listen to it, as it was a reminder of the challenges I was encountering at the time, it had also been oddly comforting as I navigated a foreign country as a young adult.  The song still moves me today.  It reflects on encountering the uncertainties and challenges of life, and developing the fortitude to navigate through one's fears and face one's adversities.    

"Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

While life is in constant motion, evolving from one obstacle to the next, we truly only have ourselves to count on.  We have to make choices that we can live with, no matter what our friends or family think we should do. Whether it be our career, our significant other, or even how we spend our free time, we must decide what is best for us. We must trust ourselves to make choices that allow us to look in the mirror and say, "No matter what happens, I'm proud of myself for living authentically."

 

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 

Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too."

As the song lyrics refer to the changing seasons of life, and the passage of time, I am reminded that like my daughter, I am also at a transitional point in life as well. My kids are both adults, free to live their lives as they see fit. Likewise, I am now faced with the freedom to make choices that I have not encountered previously.  Despite all of the uncertainty that the future holds, I am excited for my adult children and for myself to be at this point in life. I am certain that, as long as we each live authentically, we have within us the strength and determination to overcome any of life's landslides that may come our way.

"LIFE IS NO NINTENDO GAME": BE YOUR OWN HEALTH ADVOCATE

Have you ever asked yourself the following questions: "If I only had one year to live, what would I do differently? With whom would I spend my time? How would I spend that time?"  Most of us don't think in those terms unless we are faced with some sort of crisis that challenges our mortality.  However, it can be helpful to stop and reflect on where we are in life and where we are going, before we are faced with its impending end. Questions that can help give our lives direction include ones such as, "Am I on the path I want to be on? What can I do to change things if I am not?"  As Eminem's lyrics tell us, "You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game."  There are no do-overs, and no rewinds, so we must make the most of life while we can.  In some cases, this means we must be assertive in getting our needs met.  Often, this assertiveness must come in the form of advocating for our own health needs.  

There are many people who struggle with anxiety about their health, even when there is no health crisis that is evident.  Health anxiety is one of the most common types of anxiety I see in my private practice.  It is easy to understand why. We have all heard stories of people we know suddenly passing away with no warning.  They were healthy individuals who exercised daily, had healthy diets, and went to see their physician regularly.  Then suddenly one day they have a heart attack, or find out they have stage four cancer, or discover some other sort of ailment that will significantly alter the course of their life. The Covid-19 pandemic certainly did not help these types of fears.  Many people lost loved ones to Covid, and it seemed to have the effect of increasing the incidence of both health anxiety and OCD (at least in my clinical practice).   

Sometimes there is a fine line between obsessive health anxiety, and being proactive in your own healthcare.  I have clients who feel they need to see their physician all the time for minor ailments, and in contrast, those who avoid physicians unless its an absolute emergency.  Many people find themselves in the emergency room only to learn that their symptoms were caused by anxiety. The healthcare system seems to have changed in ways that can make patients more anxious and uncertain about making the best healthcare decisions for themselves. Today, in some ways, medical professionals seem more unaccessible than in the past.  Medical offices have shorter hours in which they are open, and patients rarely get to have a direct phone call with their provider.  Most offices now have physician assistants or nurse practitioners, making it even harder to have contact with their doctor.  In addition, patients are often hesitant to ask questions or to disagree with their physicians. Many of my clients tell me they are afraid to bring up concerns to their physicians because of past experiences in which medical professionals have told them something to the effect of  "its all in your head."  This is not a helpful response from a physician.  Of course, most physicians are not dismissive to their patients. Yet, I see many clients who report these types of experiences, leaving them at a loss for how to deal with both their health anxiety, as well as how to advocate for themselves regarding their actual medical illnesses.   

I experienced what I felt was bias from a physician for the very first time when I was thirty three years old. I was still young and uncertain of myself, and I went to meet an ob/gyn that I had not seen before.  I was already the mother of a preschooler, and I told the doctor that I had recently taken several urine pregnancy tests, and that they were all positive.  She told me that because it was too soon for a pregnancy test to be positive, according to my typical cycle, that it was unlikely that I was pregnant.  I told her how I had symptoms of pregnancy similar to when I was pregnant with my first child, but she insisted that perhaps my symptoms were due to other reasons.  She even referred to a disorder in which women believe they are pregnant when they are not.  I was offended, to say the least.  I insisted that she give me a blood test to determine whether or not I was pregnant, since blood tests are more accurate.  I knew in my heart (and in my nauseous, tired body) that I was pregnant.  She argued with me that it was unecessary, but eventually agreed to the blood test.  My pregnancy, which the doctor said was not real, grew to be my 18 year old son who is now finishing his first year of college. Obviously, I switched providers after that, although not without some serious irritation.  Please do not misunderstand. I am not telling you not to trust your healthcare provider.  I myself am a healthcare provider and have the utmost respect for all medical professions.  I am simply saying you need to be a health advocate for yourself at all times, especially when you feel something is not right. 

There have been other times over the course of my adulthood that I have found myself in conflict with a healthcare provider.  Often, a physician will disregard something and say it's just due to stress.  I hear from my clients often about how a provider disregarded their health concerns as anxiety, only later to find out that in fact they had some medical disease. That's not to say that stress and anxiety don't play a role in health.  It certainly does.  There is a vast amount of research literature to support this.  However, its better to rule out the physical disease before automatically assuming a symptom is purely psychological. For example, a supervisor of mine during my training as a psychologist told me about a client who reported symptoms of olfactory hallucinations (the perception of smells that aren't really present), only to later discover she actually had a brain tumor causing these symptoms.  While this is a rare occurring example, it highlights the point that it is always better to rule out the medical causes first. 

Years ago I was referred to a neurologist for symptoms I was having that my doctor thought I needed to get checked out.  The neurologist ran some tests and told me I was fine, and suggested that it was just from stress and anxiety.  As it turned out, it was from a medication I had been taking, and the side effects caused these issues. As soon as I discontinued the medication, my symptoms resolved.  There are research studies to support this relationship between the symptoms I was experiencing and the effects of the medication.  I wish physicians would give more credence to their patients.  It is so important for patients to feel seen and heard by their medical professionals, and it is even ok for patients to be anxious about their health.  It doesn't always mean they have an "anxiety disorder".  Sometimes, they have a valid health issue, and health issues naturally cause anxiety.  There is a difference between normal anxiety related to a health problem, and someone who obsessively worries about their health when there is no evidence of a medical issue.  

Margaret Thatcher said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."  Overcoming a challenge may require repeated efforts and perseverance.  In the same way, if you have health concerns, you should pursue answers until you have evidence one way or another.  If you feel dismissed by your doctor, seek a second opinion. I have had to do this before, only to find out that in fact I was correct in my concerns. "It is better to be safe than sorry" as the saying goes. It is better to take action now to investigate a concern, in order to avoid negative consequences later on. This is especially true when it comes to one's health.  In the same way (and to circle back to the original questions), it is better to make changes to improve our life satisfaction now, rather than wait until it is too late and the opportunities have passed us by.  "You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game."

JUST BE

In today's world, in the year 2024, there are so many distractions in daily life that it is hard to slow down and focus on one's own well-being.  We are constantly being pulled in different directions, and it seems as though there is never enough time in the day to accomplish all of our goals. As we race to keep up with our tasks each day, it becomes difficult to pause and be mindful of each moment.  We get caught up in the have to's, the should be's, the need to's, etc. I hesitate to quote from the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off (as it is quite overused, and I have probably discussed it in previous blog entries already), but it still holds true.  "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." As such, it is imperative that we make an effort to pause and appreciate everything that is in the present moment. 

The other day I was walking around my neighborhood thinking how nice it was to "just be." What I mean by that is, it was nice to just pause, breathe, and be present in the moment.  I was noticing the warm sun on my skin (which can be a rarity in the fall months in Michigan). I was enjoying looking at halloween decorations, and watching neighborhood kids playing with their friends. I did not have anywhere I needed to be at the moment, or anything I needed to do.  I was not in a rush, as I usually am, and I was able to leisurely walk through the neighborhood, as though I did not have a care in the world. (I did, of course, as we all do, but during this walk I was able to put those worries aside). I was being intentional about being aware of my surroundings, using my senses to appreciate my environment, and focus outwardly, rather than inwardly.  It is a precious gift to appreciate the world around us, for those of us that are able to use our senses to do so.  For example, we can enjoy the taste of sweet chocolate chip cookies, the relaxing feel of a warm shower, the scent of roses, the melodic sound of children laughing, and the sight of the vast blue ocean.   

During my walk, I was able to let go of the need to think about anything other than what I was doing at the present time. I was able to be happy with what was happening in that moment, and not worry about what would be, or what had been. I think we all get to a point in our lives where we just want things to quiet down.  We want less chaos, less stress, and less uncertainty.  We want things to be simpler, whether it be our jobs, our relationships, or our health.  Maybe it is getting older that brings this to the forefront of our minds, realizing that life will end at some point in time, and wanting our days until then to be peaceful and rewarding.  Or maybe it is having enough life experience to realize that happiness can be hard to come by, and that worry is hard to avoid, and so we learn to be grateful for the joy that we do have.  

Speaking of worry, there is nothing like a natural disaster to exacerbate one's worry. Last week, a hurricane was headed towards my family in Florida.  While they were dealing with preparing for the impending hurricane, all I could do was sit back in Michigan and hope for the best. I watched news reports all night, and kept in contact through phone calls and texts, but there was nothing I could do but wait. It was all out of my control.  (It was out of everyone's control, of course). All I could do was just be...just be patient, just be calm, and just be present.  A hurricane is a great reminder of how things can change in an instant, and how lucky we are when there is no immediate crisis to manage. We learn to relish in the quiet moments, where we get to be grateful that we are able to just be.  

Last week, a day or so after the hurricane had hit, I watched the live-streaming of a sermon that was given by a local Rabbi on the holiday of Yom Kippur.  He made reference to the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin.  He said that a better way of thinking about the name of that song is, "Worry, and Be Happy." Worry is an unavoidable emotion that is part of being human.  Yet, it is necessary to be able to be happy even amidst our worries. (It should be acknowledged that, separate from typical worry, many people struggle with persistent worry and anxiety that is hard to control and interferes with daily life. Psychological services from a professional can help one learn to better manage this prevalent mental health issue.)  In regards to the sermon,  Rabbi stated that, with everything that goes on in today's world, and in our lives, we "can't just be miserable and scared and angry all the time" because this negatively impacts our relationships, and our lives.  He spoke of how we have the capacity to choose to be happy and to find joy even in the hard times. (This idea is actually similar to the entries in this blog, which I started in 2013, to highlight the importance of finding the silver linings even in challenging situations). Rabbi explained that it is actually "a mitzvah to enjoy your life".  A mitzvah is the Hebrew word for a good deed, with the literal translation being a commandment to be performed as a religious duty. As the Rabbi discussed, we have an obligation to appreciate and enjoy our lives. We should do so, even in times of difficulty and stress. Or perhaps, especially in times of difficulty and stress.  

I might add, in addition to needing to appreciate our lives and the joy that comes with it, we have the opportunity, and the right, to "just be." Today, while waiting at an appointment, I overheard a lovely 91 year old woman talking to her husband.  She was laughing and joking with those around her, and seemed quite content to be there, just sitting in the waiting room. I thought to myself, I want to be just like her at that age, and hope that I get that opportunity. I hope we can all be like her...to just be present, to just be patient, to just be open to seeing what happens, to just be in the moment, and to just be ourselves.  

NINE RED FLAGS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

A few years ago, I posted a blog entry about toxic, manipulative people.  Things have changed a bit since then, as these days there is much more talk of narcissism in casual conversation than ever before.  The word Gaslighting (which refers to an abuser trying to manipulate their victim by getting them to question their own perception and judgment) has become common in everyday language. It seems that anyone who has a former significant other likes to refer to their ex as either a gaslighter or a narcissist. Unfortunately, this takes away from the actual seriousness of narcissism and the damage that it causes. Narcissistic abuse is real. A narcissist is more than just a selfish person who is insensitive to others. Narcissists prey on empathetic people who provide "supply" in the form of admiration and attention.  Narcissists are attracted to those who possess the qualities that they lack, such as compassion and empathy. They seek to gain control over their victims by putting on a fake image in order to maintain their own feelings of self worth.  There is a certain type of narcissist, called a covert narcissist, who can be especially hard to identify.  A covert narcissist may appear to be shy, withdrawn, and sometimes even self-deprecating (in contrast to the boisterous narcissist who is always boasting about himself).  As Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero states, "Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism".  This statement is an example of how these individuals try to appear helpful when in fact they are doing it for their own selfish reasons.  For the purpose of this blog entry, I am going to outline nine red flags of narcissists (although there are many more), using examples from a couple, whom I will refer to as Mac, the male covert narcissist, and RT, his girlfriend. (To protect their privacy, these are not their real names or initials.) 

Mac and RT started dating several months into Mac's divorce. (Side note: It's never a good idea to date someone while they are going through a divorce). Mac jumped into the relationship quickly, and he made it appear as though RT was the center of his world, essentially his "dreamgirl".  At first he would share all of his thoughts and feelings with RT.  He said he had never felt this way before. Mac and RT's relationship started out like a beautiful love story, or so it seemed. Mac had mastered the art of love bombing (Red Flag #1: Love bombing, which is not based on a genuine connection, but rather a tool to gain trust and dependency from one's partner.) Love bombing involves showering another person with attention and affection to win them over. Mac would tell RT that they were two peas in a pod. He would mold himself in ways that appeared to RT that they were similar.  However, real connection takes time to build and grow. Trust takes time to develop.  Mac would surprise RT every day by leaving sweet gifts at her door.  He called and texted throughout the day, always making sure she had everything she needed.  He planned dates and outings for the two of them.  He made it seem like it was a love like no other he had ever experienced.  RT tried telling Mac that he should slow down and figure out his new divorced life without being in a new relationship with her so soon. She suggested that they stop dating while he figured out what he really wanted.  Yet Mac insisted that he was certain he was meant to be with her.  Mac took his love bombing so far that he would even send RT listings of houses that he wanted to one day look at with her, as he constantly talked of moving in together. (Red Flag #2: Future Faking, and making false promises about the long term potential of the relationship).  Mac continued to try to convince RT that she was the love of his life and that they had a beautiful future ahead of them. 

Then one day Mac changed his loving behaviors and began to pull away.   He started being hesitant to commit to anything with RT. RT started noticing that he was inconsistent in his words and actions (Red Flag #3: Words and behavior not matching up suggests dishonesty). He would promise one thing but then do another.  He would always have an excuse as to why something did not happen the way it was supposed to happen. After RT expressed her concern, Mac decided he would let RT see his location, using a phone app, thinking that this would reassure her that he only had eyes for her.  Of course, while those location apps are not 100 percent accurate, there was enough sketchy pieces of information on multiple occasions to lead her to wonder what else might be going on. 

Mac had a plethora of women friends, none of whom he would allow RT to meet. (Red Flag #4: Keeping his world separate from her and information shared only on a need-to-know basis). It seemed like perhaps he wanted to keep his options open with other women, despite constantly denying that. In fact, early on he told RT that she should date other people, but that he only wanted to date her. (If she was the love of his life, as he called her, then how could he fathom the idea of RT going on dates with other men?) He made changes to his privacy settings on social media so that she could not see his friendships. He would say he was going out of town to see family, but later RT would learn that in fact he never left and just didn't think to mention it to her. The shadiness and dishonesty was growing daily. Mac wanted RT to think he was trying to be transparent, so he began letting her check his phone occasionally, with his permission. Each time, there would be some little tidbit of information she would find that would raise her suspicions even more.  Once she overheard him talking on the phone with one of his close female friends.  The woman referred to him as "honey".  Mac said this was just how she spoke. This particular female friend's texts included heart and kissing emojis. She wasn't the only one though.  There were texts with multiple females. They were women Mac said he grew up with, women that lived near him, women that he worked with, and women that he was doing work for, etc. None of them were women that RT was allowed to meet, despite multiple promises of doing so "when the time was right."  Mac was insistent on keeping his world separate from her. One night, in the middle of the night, RT received a text from Mac about something related to his job, but it ended in love emojis like they would send to each other.  He insisted he was half asleep and that the text was meant for RT, even though the content looked like it was meant for a co-worker. Interestingly, Mac once told RT that his ex-wife used to think he was cheating on her with someone from work.  Perhaps she was right. 

As time went on, whenever RT wanted to talk about something that concerned her, Mac would either get extremely angry, or withdraw, or disappear completely.  It seemed he never had any intention of trying to make the relationship work. (Red Flag #5 :Avoidance and anger as a communication tactic to control the situation). His behavior often appeared like that of a child's temper tantrums. Furthermore, there was never an apology for his behavior.   He could be sweet and loving and kind one minute, and then the next he would appear out of control. He said that RT was at fault, because she was accusing him of things he was not doing. He blamed RT for his anger. Mac's anger, like most narcissists, was a force to be reckoned with, as his outbursts would occur without warning, in an effort to control the situation and avoid having to talk about anything.  One time he threw something off the kitchen counter and it left a hole in the wall. Another time he got angry while driving, and slammed on the brakes in the middle of a 45 mph road. There came a time when RT needed a medical procedure done and she was relying on Mac for help before and after. Unfortunately, the procedure went poorly, and she ended up with doctor's instructions not to be left alone afterwards.  Mac refused to stay with her, stating that he was tired of her accusations and done with the relationship.  When Mac had angry outbursts, he would blame RT for them, never taking accountability for his own behavior.  If he was called out on any of it, a tantrum would ensue.  He would walk out on her and then leave RT's texts unread for days, or take days to reply. This behavior of ignoring someone was meant to exert control. Ignoring someone invalidates their feelings and makes them feel invisible. He would take everything to the extreme, blocking her calls and texts when he was angry. 

One day, RT found an old phone in Mac's car. (Red Flag #6: Using technology to engage in deceptive behaviors). He said it was so he could access things regarding his divorce, without his ex wife knowing.  However, RT found dating apps on Mac's old phone.  He said he downloaded dating apps years ago during his marriage, when things were first strained, but insisted he never used them and never even made a profile. However, it was also possible that these apps were current, and he was using them to cheat on RT.  In addition, in regards to technology, one weekend RT went out of town with a friend, and came back to find her video doorbell and her internet were hacked.   RT was worried about the security of her technology, and she asked Mac to come over that night to help her. (Ironically, prior to her leaving town, he had offered to come by while she was away to help her with internet issues she had been having, although she had declined). Mac refused to come over that night, saying he had other things to do. His behavior surrounding the whole situation seemed odd. When he finally showed up, he demonstrated a complete lack of concern for her well being, and wasn't interested in helping her find a solution to the problem.  There were also times prior to that when he would visit her, and he would do something secretly on his phone but not let her see it. He told her each time that he was turning off his wifi so he didn't connect to other people's internet in nearby houses and thereby slow down his phone.  (Why would he be connecting to her neighbors' wifi? Or was that just an excuse for something else that was shady that he was doing?)  The use of technology in today's world offers a variety of opportunities for dishonesty and manipulation. 

There were too many questions, and too many negative events. Mac was suddenly like a tornado in RT's life. RT broke up with Mac on multiple occasions.   However, he kept returning, trying to "hoover" her back into his life with repeated love bombing (Red Flag #7: Hoovering is an informal word used to describe when one manipulates another person back into a toxic relationship). Mac had always insisted that once he was done with a relationship he was gone forever.  However, he kept coming back, trying to convince RT to give them another chance.  

Mac appeared to believe that no matter the topic, he was always correct. He had a haughty, arrogant way of giving the impression that he thought he was better than others, without ever actually coming out and saying so (Red Flag #8: Acting as if one is better than others). RT would notice Mac's arrogant smirk at something she said, or see a smug look cross his face. Mac seemed to think he was always right, and RT was always wrong. The entire time they dated, RT knew in her gut something was very wrong.  She knew this from the very beginning, when they first met. She sensed there was more than meets the eye, and used to joke with him that he was a mystery man giving off lots of mixed messages. As time went on, it was clear it was no longer a joking matter, as Mac began to give her the feeling that she was not safe around him (Red flag #9: Your gut instinct is telling you something important). She would get stomach aches and anxiety around him, always wondering what was really going on behind her back.

We all might be wondering, why did RT stay? She happened to be an intelligent, loving, attractive woman, so why would she stick around for all this nonsense? It should be noted that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. Covert narcissists are especially adept at hiding their true intentions. Intermittent reinforcement is a tool used by a narcissist to provide love and support, and then suddenly take it away, only to give it back again. It is a cycle that has similar effects on one's brain as becoming addicted to a drug.  Despite all of the toxicity that RT experienced, she still held onto the hope of potential she saw from the beginning, when Mac was so convincingly good to her.  Yet, Mac was a chameleon, and underneath his intermittent charming exterior, he was cold hearted and only looking out for himself.  As time went on, Mac was cruel to RT much more often than he was kind to her. His transparency decreased daily, and his disrespect grew.  Mac likely eventually came to realize that RT would never go back to seeing him the way he wanted her to see him, now that his true colors had shown through.  RT's mistake was that she assumed that she was immune to the traumatic effects of his deceitful ways, and that he would not be able to take advantage of her in the ways that he likely did with others.  She stayed in the relationship for the time that she did because she was determined to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Mac and RT's relationship did not last all that long, however it was long enough to make an impact.  No one can ever win with a narcissist, because they don't participate in or experience relationships like healthy people do. As Olivia Rodrigo tells us in her song Vampire "You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart."