Today You Are You!

Every so often, something happens in life that makes you stop for a moment and reflect on the age old question: What is the Meaning of Life? Why are we here? What is our purpose? What should we be doing with our time? What difference can we make? Why do we at times suffer? Sometimes these thoughts occur to me during my work with clients in my psychology practice.  Sometimes they come to me from my own life experiences.

Years ago, I read the influential book "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.  It is the story of a psychiatrist who was imprisoned in concentration camps during World War II. He became aware of how his fellow prisoners could survive and grow despite their extreme physical and emotional suffering.  He concluded that the most basic human motivation is the will to find meaning, and he developed a psychological theory based on this goal of finding meaning and purpose in one's life.

Ten years ago, when I became a mother, I think my purpose in life became clear.  Through hell or high water, my ultimate goal became protecting my offspring. My purpose became raising my children to feel unconditionally loved, to teach them to appreciate what they have, to be compassionate to others, and to value what is important in life.  My purpose has been to assist my children in becoming confident, competent, independent individuals. The other day I was watching my son while he was laughing at something on television.  His big brown eyes sparkled, and he had that look of complete, innocent joy.  I can't really think of any other purpose in my life as important as this one...raising my children to be able to smile, and laugh, and love life.   But that is for me, and not for everyone.  You don't need to have children to have meaning or purpose.  I find meaning in other ways too.  I feel fortunate that I am in a career in which I help people.  I find that to be rewarding in so many ways.  I am able to help others to navigate the obstacles they encounter in life, to become who they want to be, and to find meaning in their own lives. I  also find value and meaning in taking on other roles as well, such as being a daughter, a sister, a friend, and when in a relationship, a partner.

I often wonder what meaning is to be found in the obstacles I have faced, and in those faced by my clients.  We are all good people. We don't "deserve" for bad things to happen to us. Multiple religions suggest the idea that noone is given a burden that they cannot carry; no one person is given more than they can handle.  There is the idea that if you are someone who has had to endure much hardship, it is because you are capable of doing so, and that there is a lesson to be learned from the experience. But what is the lesson? Why does it seem, especially lately, that so many people I know are struggling to handle terrible misfortunes?  The unexpected death of a husband, wife, or child; a life threatening health condition; relationship loss; job loss, etc.   Where is the meaning in all of this suffering? As Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." Finding meaning and purpose in our struggles, and our lives, is the key to motivating us to push through and overcome the obstacles.

When my son has 103 fever; when my daughter is up at night vomiting; when I am the only one to comfort them; I see my purpose.  When my previously suicidal client is living a fulfilling, happy life; when my anxious client is going to the grocery instead of hiding in her room avoiding life; I see my purpose.  Through all the disappointment, sadness, loss, and pain of life experiences, I see meaning.

I do not know why we are all here on Earth, where we came from, or where we are going. But I do know something.  The next time you are wondering where you should be, what you should be doing, or even why, remember, every person is unique.  There is noone that can replace any of us.  Everyone has their own meaning in life, their own special purpose. As Dr. Suess stated "Today you are You, that is Truer than True. There is noone alive that is Youer than You!"

LIFE MOVES PRETTY FAST...

There is a well known quote from the 1996 movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." Today, I was reminded of this poignant statement regarding the passage of time. This morning, just like many mornings before, I dropped my kids off at elementary school.  Before we even got into the car to drive to school, I made sure to give each of them a big hug and a kiss.  This is a tradition for us, because at drop off, there is not much time to say our goodbyes.  Since I have shared custody with my ex husband, I often go several days at a time without seeing my children.  Therefore, I like to make sure we have ample time to say goodbye, and enjoy enough affection to tide us all over until the next time we are together.

As I watched my kids walk into school today, I thought about how quickly they grow up.  It seems like it was only yesterday that my oldest started preschool, and now she is a 5th grader who will be starting middle school next year.  I'm sure many of you with teenagers or college students can relate to this sentiment even more so than I can.  In any case, I observed my daughter and son as they left the shelter of my car, and walked into the school building, and into their day as independent students.  As I did so, I couldn't help but think how surreal it all seemed.  These unique little personalities were once babies whom I held and nursed. At that time, I was their whole world.  For the few seconds that I watched them enter into school today, I pictured them years from now...walking into high school, graduating from college, and then walking into the unfamiliar world of becoming an adult.

As a divorced parent with shared custody, I sometimes feel that I am missing out on half of my children's day to day experiences.  My kids were ages three and six at the time of the divorce.  Sometimes it is hard to remember what that was like for them when they were so young, or what that was like for me as a single mother with such little ones.  Memories have a tendency to fade over time.  The days of rocking chairs, music classes, and blankies all seem so long ago.  The days of iPods, sleep away camp, and math tests are the here and now.  Soon, of course, these too will be hazy recollections of yesterday.

When you are a parent of young children, it is easy to get caught up in the weekly routine, such as homework, after school classes, and laundry.  With all of our To Do lists, it is easy to forget to take time to stop and smell the roses. And, in my opinion, children are the sweetest roses of all. There is a poem entitled "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again" by Diana Loomins that illustrates this idea of making the most of the moments that we have as parents. Let's all try to cherish our children in the present, every day, as those ordinary moments become extraordinary memories.

"If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes, and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
It matters not whether my child is big or small,
From this day forth, I'll cherish it all."

I AM ONLY ONE, BUT STILL I AM ONE

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about social support.  You know, those people in your life that are there for you through thick and thin.  Friends.  Family.  Maybe neighbors or co-workers.  Psychology literature is rich with research that tells us over and over again how social support mitigates the negative effects of so many of life's challenges.  Whether it be health problems, economic hardship, relationship difficulties, or any other negative life event, social support is key to getting through the rough times in a positive way.

I've taken notice of this phenomenon in many ways in my own life.  When my mother passed away recently, I noticed and appreciated those friends that stepped up and tried to be there for me.  Whether it was to call, send a donation, bring food, or just give me a hug, their social support was very much appreciated. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months later, I also noticed who offered to be there for me, and who was actually there. Sometimes people get scared by others' challenges and back away, but sometimes it brings out the very good heartedness of those around us.  Everyday, I value those people in my life that have been there for me. For many, it can be hard to reach out and ask for help.  And sometimes, unfortunately, our requests for support are denied.  But without taking a chance and asking for it, we end up alone at times when we need social support the most.  

Although I am not married, and do not have a significant other, I am fortunate to have friends and family that offer their social support, even if its simply a phone call or a text to say hello and see how I'm doing. Their care and concern reminds me how important social support truly is.  Likewise, when I go to radiation therapy every day, I try to smile and say hello to the other patients, as well as the people that work there.  I try to offer my own version of social support, even if its in a very small way. The people there all think I'm strong.  They tell me so.  But really, I see it as I'm just trying to make a not-so-desirable situation more tolerable...for myself, and for those around me.  I guess I need that feeling of social support.  Of togetherness.  Of unity.  Especially these days, it is something I really value.  

We've all read stories about how one person, through their kind words or gestures, has made a difference in someone else's life. We've seen stories about how one act of kindness has significantly altered someone's mindset and behavior.  We've also heard a lot about the concept of Pay It Forward. We don't lose anything by showing support or kindness to another person.  We only gain something, and so do they. 

So, the next time you hesitate about whether to be friendly to the waiter, or smile at the person in the elevator, or ask your co-worker how they're doing today, or ask the young child why they're crying, remember that you can offer your own small gesture of social support, even to strangers. As Helen Keller said, "I am only one, but still I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."