Sunday, March 23, 2014

WINNIE THE POOH...AND MINDFULNESS TOO


"What day is it?" asked Winnie the Pooh.  
"It's today," squeaked Piglet. 
"My favorite day," said Pooh. 

This is a quote from the children's stories Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne.  It speaks of the joy of being present in the moment.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday, or what will be tomorrow.  The only thing that matters is what is happening today. And today, as Pooh suggests to us, is a day worth reveling in.  

Do you ever have that feeling that time has passed, but you weren't really paying attention? Perhaps you were so busy with your daily routine that you became distracted while time slipped away from you? A common example of this is when you're driving down the same road you travel everyday, to work or to the store, and all of a sudden you're at your destination, but you don't really remember how you got there. It happens to me all the time.  You're living the moment, but you're not really present. Sometimes it happens to me when I'm reading.  My mind starts to wander, and I have to go back and re-read something.

Mindfulness is an attentive awareness of the reality of things in the present moment. It allows us to appreciate the here and now.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Life is a journey, not a destination." There does not have to be a rush to get anywhere.  Life is made up of moments. Sometimes, we just need to take in the moment, and to breathe.  This is something I often try to assist my clients in doing in their own lives.  There is much to be gained from taking a step back, surveying the situation, and appreciating it for whatever it is.  It is similar to taking a mental snapshot of a moment, so as not to forget it. It allows us to solidify a memory, as we are making a conscious effort to take notice.  Perhaps it's a beautiful sunset, or a baby's first step, or a loving glance between two people.  Or maybe it's just any every day moment, yet it is one in which we are present.

In today's society, there are so many things that keep us from from being fully present in the moment. Look at modern technology.  For example, my children are on their iPhone and iPod often, and while doing so, time certainly seems to slip by for them.  In some cases, it's a good thing.  It keeps them quietly occupied when nothing else will do.  Other times, it's just a distraction from more important  things going on around them.  With the development of social media, things like Facebook or Twitter (or a slew of other sites that I cannot even keep track of these days), there are a lot of ways to interfere with mindfulness.  In fact, while you're reading this blog, perhaps you're not fully present. Maybe you're multitasking. That's ok, but feel free to take a moment now to really reflect on what you're reading.  Ok, there, thats better. Thank you :)

Sometimes, I think about what life would be like without all of the high tech gadgets and gizmos we use daily.  Growing up in my day, they didn't exist like they do now.  Even so, when I was a child, I used to go to summer camp to get a taste of mindfulness.  Summer camp is a lot different these days, as it has had to keep up with society's advances, like everything else.  Yet, the idea of camp is still the same. I loved having time to enjoy nature, to sit quietly and reflect, and to get to know my peers face to face.

I've always wondered what it would have been like to live in the time of Little House On The Prairie.  I used to watch that television show every day when I was a child.  In case you grew up living under a rock, this show was an American Western drama television series about the life and adventures of the Ingalls family in the 1870s and 1880s.  As an adult, I often wonder what it would be like grow up in that type of simple environment, without the bells and whistles of today's world.  Of course, those times required people to face many hardships.  Yet, there was something about appreciating the simple things that I find very appealing.

Sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in our fast paced society and all of its pressure. We find ourselves  worrying about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  There are bills to pay, mouths to feed, and to-do lists that are ten feet long.  Sometimes, the chaos of today may rob us of our memorable moments.  However, it doesn't have to be this way.  We can be mindful.  I often have times in my life where memories play like a video in my head. It might be a memory of one day, or it might be snapshots of many days or memories.  Often they are about times with my children, or about memories of others who have been close to me.  In these situations, I have paid attention to past moments in which I was fully present, and I am remembering them as clear as if they are happening today.

This moment, this one right now, is the only moment that matters. It is worth being present.  It will help you remember later on, when the moment is a distant memory. As Paul Anka sings, "Remember, do you remember, the times of your life." Be present.  Be mindful. Remember.  Like Pooh suggests, go ahead and cherish today. Make it your favorite day.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SCREWS FALL OUT ALL THE TIME

One of my favorite lines from a movie is, "Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place."  I can't tell you how many times I must've quoted this line from the character John Bender in the 1985  movie The Breakfast Club.  It seems to be appropriate in many situations in every day life (at least in mine anyway!) However, in the film, this line is delivered when the detention teacher is asking Bender to give the screw back that he believes was stolen from the door. Bender's reply is humorous, nervy, and profound all at the same time. (On a side note, if you haven't seen this movie, you are seriously missing out on a classic film that was an influential part of my generation's formative years.)

In any case, there is a lot of truth to this quote.  Things don't always go as we have planned, or as we would like.  We have to be ready and willing to deal with the unexpected.  It's not always going to be easy. As Adam Levine of Maroon 5 tell us, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."  Sometimes, we just have to make the most of the situation at hand, even if it's not what we had intended it to be. We need to find ways to keep the door open, even with missing screws, just like the detention teacher tries to do in the movie.

When I first got divorced several years ago, and was adjusting to my new life, a friend of mine had cautioned me, "Some days are just not going to be as good as others.  And thats ok.  Don't expect them to be.  The next day will be better."  He had good advice that was useful at the time, and I still think about it often.  I try to teach my clients this as well.  Just because an individual may be feeling sad or discouraged in that particular moment, it does not necessarily mean that they will feel that way tomorrow. There are things that can be done to change how one thinks and feels.  This is very important for suicidal clients who, at the moment, may feel hopeless and helpless in their situation.  It is helpful to remember other times when they have felt good, and know that they can feel this way again. This is one moment in time, and it doesn't have to be forever. The same goes for clients with mood disorders who don't always know exactly what the next day will bring or how they will feel going through it.

For every one of us, there will always be challenging days in our lives.  Yet, there will always be better days too.  I've mentioned to some of my clients that this week is the official beginning of Spring.  I've had some people ask if I'm suggesting that there is a new beginning in their near future. (Yes, even my clients know how much I like metaphors and quotes.)  I believe there is a new beginning that awaits us.  When spring arrives, the snow melts, the temperatures rise, and a new energy fills the air.   Spring is known as the season of rebirth.  There has been a lot of  rough weather this past year, and everyone is ready for a change. However, it is worthwhile to remember that bad weather also brings with it an appreciation for the good that follows it.  This sentiment is described by the poet Anne Bradstreet. "If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

So, come the polar vortex, or loose screws, or any other type of adversity that is in our way, there is one thing I know for sure.  It's all part of life.  The good, the bad, and the in-between. We just have to roll with it. Screws fall out all the time.  The world's an imperfect place.  Embrace the imperfection.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

CARPE DIEM!


CARPE DIEM

In the 1989 film Dead Poet’s Society, Robin Williams starred as an English literature teacher in a conservative, elite prep school.  In one particular scene, the class is discussing a poem written by Robert Herrick.  It includes the verse “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying. And this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying.”  The poem reflects the idea that time passes quickly, and therefore we must make the most of every moment.  The Latin phrase “Carpe Diem” became popular in today’s culture from this movie, as the poem’s message is reflected in this phrase.  Carpe diem translates to Seize The Day.  In the movie, Robin Williams’ character teaches his students to love poetry, and to seize the day.  He encourages them to live life immediately, and live it to its fullest. 

This is a valuable and powerful message. I’ve experienced the importance of carpe diem in my own life.  I have learned through the years that life is fragile. What is here one day may be gone tomorrow. For example, I remember when I turned 40, I threw a big party with all of my friends.  I also took a trip to Mexico to celebrate my milestone.  I remember thinking at the party how lucky I was, how fortunate to have so many people in my life to celebrate with me in so many ways.  However, several months later, many things changed, including my mother suddenly passing away, and then following that, I received a diagnosis of cancer. One day I was a happy, healthy 40 year old ready to start a new, better decade than the last, and the next day my world looked very different.  Appreciate what you have today because it might be gone tomorrow, whether that be your health, a relationship, a job, a loved one, or any other aspect of life that we value.   

In my work as a clinical psychologist, I often see clients whose lives have been affected by some sort of upheaval, whether it be by tragedy, or any other type of unexpected change.  I encourage my clients to say how the feel and to express their thoughts, not only in our sessions, but in their own lives.  The truth is, we don’t always get a second chance.  However, sometimes we don’t say, or for that matter, don’t do, whatever it is that needs to happen.   We don’t seize the day, and we miss out on opportunities to better ourselves, and our lives.

Anxiety disorders, which affect 40 million adults in the U.S., and one in eight children, often affect an individual’s ability to seize the day. Anxiety seems to be the number one mental health problem in our society.  Anxiety can prevent people from living their lives to the fullest.  Treating anxiety disorders is a specialty of mine in my private practice (including generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, social phobia, PTSD, and specific phobias).  Anxiety is a highly treatable condition, however not all people realize this and not all seek help. Genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events have all been shown to play a role in the development of anxiety disorders.  When my clients come to see me, I help them learn that they have the ability to decrease, manage, and control their anxiety.  They are taught cognitive  tools to use to allow them to change  their anxiety-provoking thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  Anxiety can be overwhelming for many people, and at times, debilitating. It is certainly one type of factor that can prevent people from making the most of the moments they have. 

On a personal note, I can also relate to anxiety having an effect on my own efforts to seize the day.  For example, when I was a student in graduate school, I often experienced anxiety with public speaking. I would become nervous when I knew I had to speak in front of large groups of people.  In graduate school, there was no way to avoid public speaking.  I had to contribute to class discussions, present my masters thesis and doctoral dissertation to a committee of professors as well as the public, and I also had to teach psychology classes to undergraduate students.  Public speaking was a part of daily graduate student life.  Often, I would try to think of something to help me through the discomfort.  I used the Nike slogan “Just Do It.”  When it came time for me to speak, I would try to avoid thinking about anything I was experiencing internally, but rather would focus on just doing it….just taking that moment to speak, without evaluating myself…and to seize the day.  Fortunately, it worked, and I made it through graduate school successfully, public speaking and all.

Similarly, as an undergraduate student, I had to make choices to either avoid anxiety-provoking  situations, or to live in the moment. I chose to live abroad for a semester in Israel on an overseas student program.  I did not have any friends going on the program, but I signed up anyway.  We only get one chance to seize the moment, and this seemed like an opportunity that I did not want to miss.  That was one of the best, albeit one of the most difficult and challenging, experiences of my life.  I will never get those times back, but I am so thankful that I took the opportunity to enjoy them while I could.

Sometimes, it can be a physical problem or a health condition that can affect how we seize the day.  Recently, I saw one of my client’s who is battling a terminal illness.  There are so many obstacles for her to be able to live in the moment and to take all the opportunities that come her way.  Daily life is a struggle.  It can be hard to find the positive in a world full of suffering and uncertainty. Yet, when we talked, we discussed how to take those things that matter most in life, and to enjoy the good that comes along, and to find the silver linings wherever possible. 

When my son was three years old, he broke his leg and ended up in a full leg cast and a wheelchair.  He didn’t let it stop him, however.  When all the other kids in the neighborhood were outside riding bikes, he rolled his wheelchair outside and raced right alongside them.  He didn’t allow his condition to prevent him from seizing the day…from getting to play outside with his friends in whatever way possible.  We were fortunate, as this was a temporary obstacle, and after several months he was back on his feet.  However, there are a lot of people who live with daily, permanent physical challenges, who somehow find a way to not let these interfere with making the most of every moment. 

Recently, I attended a school talent show for my children.  The principal made a joke that the theme song of the school this year was the song Let It Go from the movie Frozen.  It seemed that every elementary school girl had chosen to sing Let It Go for the talent show.  Perhaps this is because so many kids loved the movie. Or perhaps because they loved the idea of dressing up as the characters in the movie.  Or, perhaps, on a more profound note, our children know a good lesson when they hear one.  The lyrics of one of the verses of the song include the following:

“Its funny how some distance makes everything seems small.  And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through.  No right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!“

Maybe our youth today understand that when we let go of our fears, insecurities, and apprehensions, and allow ourselves to be who we truly are, limitations and all, and we let ourselves live in the moment, that we are suddenly, totally free.   Whether we are limited by emotional or physical difficulties, or any other kind of hardship, we as humans still possess the ability to take the great moments that come our way, live them as thoroughly as possible, and to cherish them afterwards.

At the end of the poetry scene in the movie Dead Poet’s Society, Robin Williams whispers, “Make your lives extraordinary.” I believe this is excellent advice. This moment, right now, is the only one we know we have for certain.  Just do it. Make it count. Seize the day.  Carpe Diem!