Sunday, September 17, 2017

HURRICANES, HEALTH, AND HAPPINESS

Last weekend, for many people living in Florida, time suddenly stood still.  Trivial decisions, such as what to watch on television, or where to go for dinner, no longer mattered.  Daily challenges that had previously occupied a family’s attention seemed to disappear, unless they were directly related to survival. This was true for my immediate family members as well, as they suddenly found themselves in the direct path of Hurricane Irma.


There is nothing like a natural disaster, even if not directly affected by it, to remind us of the fragility of life.  There are so many things in life that are out of our immediate control, and a hurricane certainly highlights this fact.  When I learned that my family members were choosing to remain at home, rather than evacuate, I was concerned. I felt helpless to do anything, as I certainly cannot control a hurricane (or for that matter, my family members’ minds once they decide something). Safe in my home a thousand miles away, I realized there was nothing I could possibly do about the situation but wait.  When I tried calling my father in the early morning hours the day after the hurricane, he didn’t answer.  I then reached out to my brother, who also lives in Florida. My brother stated that his own family was safe and that if we didn’t hear from my father by the afternoon, he would drive over to his house an hour away to check on him.  As it turned out, that wasn’t necessary. I was able to reach my stepmother, who assured me that my father was home, safe in his bed, catching up on his sleep.    


While the anxiety brought on by a natural disaster can be overwhelming, it doesn’t take a hurricane to cause many people to worry, sometimes in debilitating ways.  Most of the clients I see in my psychology practice are attending therapy sessions in order to learn how to manage their anxiety. Whether it be generalized anxiety, social anxiety, health anxiety, post traumatic stress, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, or phobias, they are all hoping to learn techniques to minimize their worry, and to be able to accept uncertainty.   


Anxiety is a powerful thing.  It can rob individuals of daily happiness.  Despite rational, logical thinking, it can convince people of the most negative outcomes they can imagine.  I often refer to it as a “Worry Bully”.  Bullies don’t stop until they get what they want.  For individuals with anxiety, worry can be relentless.  It can feel like being powerless in the path of a hurricane.   One of the approaches I take with my clients is that if they can take productive action of some kind to decrease their worry, then they should do so.  It allows one to exert control over a situation.  For example, many people evacuated their homes to try to increase their chances of staying safe during Hurricane Irma.  My family chose to stay rather than to evacuate.  They took a different form of action, by preparing themselves with supplies for their homes and gas for their cars.  However, there was not a single thing I could do for them. So, I didn’t do anything, including attempting not to worry.  Worrying wasn’t going to keep them safe.  Some of my clients have expressed that worrying is comforting because it seems like a way to protect themselves from bad things happening to them.  However, worry doesn’t protect us.  Rather, it depletes us of the energy we need to successfully navigate challenging situations.


Last weekend was difficult, and the proactive approaches that could be taken were limited. Next weekend, however, is going to be an opportunity for me personally to be proactive for a different kind of issue.  Next weekend, during the high school varsity football game, I will be participating in a halftime processional which will honor both victims and survivors of breast cancer. As a survivor, I feel it’s important to take actions to increase awareness for this common type of cancer. Participating in this halftime event at the football game is my small way of taking action for a cause I believe in. In the past, I have been a survivor speaker for the Relay for Life, as well as a participant for several years in the Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk.  I will continue to try to do my part to raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research and treatment.

Whether it be health or hurricanes, we must accept that there are many things in life that are beyond our control.  There are things like natural disasters and disease that can be more powerful forces than we are.  Yet, that shouldn’t stop us from doing what we can to be happy, and try to make the most out of our daily lives.  Rather than make us worry, the uncertainties in life should motivate us to make every day count. Tomorrow is not promised.  As the Dove chocolate candy commercial tells us, “Live Each Day As If It’s The Only One.”

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

LIFE LESSONS FROM TRAVEL BASEBALL

As my son's travel baseball season comes to an end, I can't help but reflect on what I have learned this year.  He has one more tournament left before our weekends will once again become our own. My son has been playing baseball for several years, and has been on a travel team for the past two seasons.  I have to admit, when he first started to play, I did not know much about the game.  Today, I know a lot more about baseball than I ever did before.  Yet, the most important things I have learned have not been about the game itself, but rather, lessons about life in general.  Here are some life lessons from baseball. 

1.  IN BASEBALL, AS IN LIFE, YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP.  Every day.  Every inning.  Even when you don't feel like it.  Even when you have other things to do.  Even when you're injured. At one time or another, we've all had setbacks that have made it difficult to bring our A game, whether that be to work, to our loved ones, or even to ourselves.  Thats ok, but we still need to try. We owe it to our teammates, our co-workers, our children, and our significant others to be present.  Showing up and making an effort is a requirement.  Recently, there was a situation in which a player did not make it to the first day of one of our tournaments. (Ok, so he happened to be my kid.) Had it been my decision, I would have made sure he was there, but in this particular situation the circumstances were out of my control.  In any case, as a result, the next day my son was benched for the first inning, and placed last in the batting order.  I supported that decision, as the coaches felt he had to have some consequence for not showing up the day before.  In baseball, as in life, if you don't show up, you are less likely to succeed. (It also tends to piss off a lot of people who are relying on you.)  

2.  THERE WILL ALWAYS BE CONFLICT, ON THE FIELD AND IN LIFE.  IT'S HOW YOU            DEAL WITH IT THAT MATTERS. 
Coaches don't always agree, and sometimes they give conflicting advice to their players.  Similarly, parents don't always agree, and often parent their children differently.  In life, there will always be people who disagree and think that their way is the better way.  When this happens, you have choices. You can handle it with grace and dignity, or you can escalate the conflict. In baseball, there are often times when coaches, parents, and players all think the Ump has made a bad call.  I've seen parents and coaches lose their cool during these times.  Some yell, some curse, and some silently stew. There will always be different perspectives.  It's how we handle this that is most important.  While my son was at a baseball camp for a few days this summer, the baseball trainer gave him different advice than his own coach.  When he told me about it later that day, he was upset, because he felt he was doing exactly what he had been taught to do, but was being criticized for it.  After talking with him further, he began to realize the value of hearing contrasting opinions.  In the end, I encouraged him to respect the trainer's advice while he is at his camp, and if he still doesn't agree, then to discuss his concern with his own coach.  That way, he can better understand where each person is coming from and determine what his best course of action would be.   

3.  CONFIDENCE IS HALF THE BATTLE.  If you think you can, you very well might.  However, if you think you can't, you definitely won't.  Sports psychology has taught us the importance of positive thinking and visualizing success.  Confidence seems to be a trait that is an asset in many areas of life. Last season, my son was last in the batting lineup.  At some point early on, he began to lose his confidence.  He was last because his skills at that time were not good enough to be placed closer to the top of the lineup. This seemed to reinforce his lack of confidence, and consequently, his performance. This season, however, we worked with a trainer on hitting and pitching.  From his hard work, my son improved his skills, and his confidence, and he was moved up in the batting order. While he had to earn his right to become one of the first several batters, once he did, getting placed higher up in the order further increased his confidence, and improved his performance.  He went from feeling criticized about his skills last season, to feeling like others finally believed in him. Like they wanted him there.  Like he had earned his right to be there.  Have confidence that you will improve, and you are more likely to do so.  No matter how much criticism comes your way, never give up on yourself.  

4. SUPPORTING YOUR TEAMMATES IS A MUST.  I love when I overhear my son telling his teammates "good job" or "don't worry you'll get it next time" etc.  The support that he gives his buddies is priceless.  It is a necessary effort to make the whole team stay motivated.  Whether its a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, a coach, or a teammate, its important to feel like someone has your back.  Optimism, encouragement, and enthusiasm is essential to succeed in the game of life, and to help others do so as well.    

5.  EVERY INNING IS A CHANCE TO CHANGE THE OUTCOME. In life, or in baseball, the game is always changing.  Nothing is permanent.  Every day is another opportunity to live your best life. Every inning is another chance to get the homerun.  I've often heard one of the coaches say "Its a brand new ballgame boys," once the game gets tied up after we have been losing.  Every day, and every inning, is a new beginning. (Yes, I realize that rhymes.  It should make it easier for you all to remember this lesson!) 

6.  A BAD ATTITUDE AFFECTS EVERYONE.  At home, in the workplace, at school, or on the baseball field, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch.  Enough said.  
   
7. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. 
We've all seen parents and coaches get riled up over something happening in the game. We've all seen players' frustration grow when something does not go the way they had hoped.   In baseball, and in life, when things don't go our way, we need to be able to let things roll off our back.  You tend to see this with pitchers a lot.  It seems helpful when their team reminds them to let it go, and to focus on the next pitch instead. (For more on that, see #4 above, Supporting Your Teammates Is A Must.)

8. AS BABE RUTH SAID, "YESTERDAY'S HOME RUNS DON'T WIN TODAY'S GAMES." Never stop giving it your all. You can't live off of yesterday's success.  Neither in baseball, nor in life. You have to keep working at it.  If it is important to you, then you will put in the effort.  If it's not, then this will show. In life, for example, relationships take consistent effort.  When you stop making the effort, the relationship suffers.  I used to be in a long term relationship with a boyfriend who would tell me that this was all the time he had to give me right now.  Yet, had I been more of a priority to him, he probably would have made more time for me to be part of his life.  People make time for what's important to them.  With the couples I counsel, I often see how lack of effort in relationships leads to conflict, disappointment, resentment, and often the end of a union.  You can't keep a relationship going solely off of past effort. Likewise, previous accomplishments in baseball don't win you today's championship game.   







Sunday, May 21, 2017

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES...BUT MAKE SURE YOU SEE THEM FIRST

Today, as I sit here writing this blog entry, I can barely see past my computer screen.  I had cataract surgery in my right eye last week. My vision is currently 20/100 in this eye, until I am able to get eyeglasses made with my new prescription, at which time I will be able to see 20/20 again.  While it is currently very difficult for me to see, it is still a vast improvement from my uncorrected eyesight before the surgery. My uncorrected left eye, which will have cataract surgery this coming week, is now much different than my right eye.  Therefore, until both eyes are corrected, I am only able to see with one eye at a time.  This is because my nearsightedness has been so severe, that my brain can't reconcile the differences to allow me to use both eyes together.

People tend to take for granted the things that they don't have to work hard for, or that are given freely to them.  Eyesight tends to be one of these things.  I am fortunate that, since I was in elementary school, I have been able to wear eyeglasses or contact lenses to correct my nearsightedness and astigmatism.  It is easy to forget that these are luxuries not everyone is able to experience.  Having cataract surgery, and struggling to get through this past week and all of next week, is a simple reminder to me that something as precious as the gift of sight can be lost.  There are many people in the world who are completely blind, or who have the use of only one eye. I know friends, family, and acquaintances who have, or who have had, visual impairments.  Unless you are one of them, it is likely that you, like myself, have not given much thought to how precious sight truly can be, or what it might actually mean to lose it.  

We've all heard the saying "Stop and smell the roses."  I have always been a believer in doing so.  If you've read any of my other blog entries over the past four years, you will see that this is a common theme.  We need to be aware of, and appreciate, all of the positive things in life, no matter how big or how small.  So, in the weeks preceding my first cataract surgery, I spent a lot of time intentionally stopping to smell the roses...or rather, to see them.   I would literally stop to think about the positive visual moments I was able to have...seeing a smile on my children's faces, or a beautiful sunset, or the way the rain would fall on my window.  The thought of the possibility of losing my eyesight crossed my mind, and it was not a pleasant one.  Prior to my cataract surgery, I had received laser surgery on my retina to strengthen weak areas that could potentially lead to retinal detachment, and subsequent blindness. People keep asking me why, at age 44, I have cataracts.  Statistically speaking, it is not the norm. The honest answer is, I don't know why.  Nobody else seems to know either.  Maybe it is my extreme nearsightedness, maybe it is bad genes, maybe it is my cancer medication side effects.  Whatever the case may be, the reasons why are not as important to me as the wonderful fact that I can do something about them!

In a few days I will have my cataract removed in my left eye.  Even now, without being able to see clearly, the removal of my right cataract has allowed me to view the world differently.  I see colors brighter than before my cataract was removed.  The moment I became aware of that, I realized that I may have been seeing the world differently all along. Think about that. What if the reality you have always known, the way you've visually perceived the world around you, is incorrect? I'm talking about vision in this blog, but the idea can just as easily relate to almost anything. We've all had lightbulb moments where we realize in hindsight that something was different than it appeared to be.  To put it simply, whether its cataracts or life, we can't see clearly...until we can see clearly.

So, when the days become hectic, and the pressures of children, work, relationships, and life get overwhelming, please remember the following:  Always take time to stop and smell the roses.  Don't let life's precious moments pass you by unnoticed. The world is a beautiful place, as long as you are willing to "see" it!