Tuesday, September 30, 2014

FORGIVE, FORGET, MOVE FORWARD

These days, I do not consider myself a very religious person.  However, for a slight change of pace, this blog refers to my religion.  In the Jewish religion, the ten days between the holiday of Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and the holiday of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) marks the time when Jews reflect on their transgressions and atone for their sins.  This past week welcomed in the new year, and this coming weekend begins the holiday of Yom Kippur.  Therefore, I thought it was the perfect time to write a blog about forgiveness.

This Rosh Hashanah, my children and I had a discussion about what we are sorry for and what we will try to do better this year.  They said things like, "I'll be a better listener" and "I'll be more respectful."  I said I would have more patience and try not to raise my voice to them.  It was a nice discussion that I felt addressed all of our concerns.  As I look back over the past year, I have been through a lot.  Yet, I always felt like I continued to try to look out for others' well being, despite my own challenging circumstances. I recognize there were probably times that I could have done better.  I am only human.  I make mistakes.  I can only juggle so much. All I can do is apologize for those mistakes, and try to do better the next time.  So, if by some chance I have hurt your feelings in any way, (be you a friend, family member, or even a stranger), I am truly sorry.

The phrase forgive and forget is an interesting one.  People don't really forget the times they feel they were wronged.  They tuck it away in their memory, but sometimes, it resurfaces.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a more conscious choice.  It takes effort and awareness to recognize that people make mistakes, and then try to accept it and move forward.  I tend to think of myself as a very forgiving person.  When someone has wronged me in some way, I have a choice.  I can hold on to that hurt and anger, or I can try to understand it, and then let it go. I don't believe I hold grudges.  I don't become vengeful.  I try to understand others' perspectives so that I may accept situations and move forward, rather than being stuck in negative emotions.  Of course, as I mentioned before, I am only human.  I am not perfect.  These are my goals and aspirations.

It is a valuable skill to be able to accept someone's apology and clear your heart and mind to move forward.  Yet, don't forgive someone for their sake.  Forgive them for your own.  Holding on to anger only causes more difficulties. Keeping grudges can cause physical and psychological harm to oneself.  I've always believed that I live my life in such a way that every day is a clean slate. Every day is a fresh start. It is a new opportunity for me to do better, and a new opportunity to accept others' mistakes as well.  No one knows what tomorrow brings.  Live each day in such a way that, if it were your last, you would die feeling good about the choices you made and the way you treated others. I don't have to tell you about the value of life.  Many of you know from your own experiences that life is fragile.  Life is precious.  Life is fleeting.  So, let's live it with love and forgiveness, rather than hurt, anger, or resentment.  As Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Be strong.  Forgive those who you feel have wronged you.  Forgiveness brings peace.

As we move through the next year, whether secular or religious, let us all remember what Einstein said.  "Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance you must keep moving." No matter what comes your way, keep moving.  If you have made mistakes, apologize and keep moving.  If you have been wronged, forgive and keep moving.  For those of you who celebrate this holiday, happy new year! Forgive, forget, and move forward!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

525,600 MINUTES

If you've been reading my blog lately, you may have noticed that I've been writing a lot about the passage of time.  My blogs have described looking at the past, looking ahead to the future, as well as acknowledging important milestones in my life.  Today is another milestone for me.  Today is the one year anniversary of my breast cancer surgery.  In some ways, it seems like it has been longer than a year, and in other ways it seems like it just happened yesterday.  In any case, I am happy to be able to say that, a year later, I am doing well and looking forward to many healthy and happy years ahead of me.

All things considered, I had a pretty easy fight against cancer (if being diagnosed with cancer can ever be considered easy.)  I was fortunate that it was caught early and that it was small and had not spread.  Sometimes I wonder, as I've mentioned before, if this was just the opening act, and that some day there will be another cancer scene in the story of my life.  I know that I'm not alone in that feeling.  Many other women who have battled breast cancer have that same nagging worry.  Yet, I am optimistic that this will not occur, and that even if it did, I would get through it and be fine.  I've learned a lot in the past year about my own inner strength, as well as the importance of social support.

There is a song from the musical Rent called Seasons of Love which speaks to the passage of time over one year in life.  It includes the following lyrics:

525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?
How about love?

Recently, I attended a funeral in which friends of the deceased sang this song at the start of the service.  It seemed like the perfect addition to the rest of the service.  It captured the importance of all of the little moments in life that mark the passage of time.  How does one measure a year? The song suggests measuring it in love.  The fact that this song was included in the service highlights how much love this person had from those around her, through her healthy times, and through the times of her illness.

As I think about my own life over the past year, a few things have changed in my life, and many have stayed the same.  Yet, whether changes occurred in my relationships, or my career, or my family, or any other aspect in life, there is one thing that has changed for certain.  Me.  I'm a different person in some ways than I was a year ago.  My experiences, both good and bad, have changed who I am, and how I live my life.  In addition, I believe that having had a cancer diagnosis, and learning about and going through treatment, has made me a better psychologist. It has also made me a better mother, friend, and relative.  It has allowed me to understand things about myself and others that perhaps I did not understand as well before.  There have been ups and down and pain and loss, of course, but there has also been joy and strength.

Thank you to those of you have who traveled alongside me on my journey this past year, whether it was to offer friendship, or support, or to teach me something about life, or about myself.  As the song states, "It's time now, to sing out, though the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends."  Today, on my surgery anniversary, I ask all of you to celebrate life, celebrate your friends and loved ones, and most importantly, celebrate you.  You have 525, 600 minutes in a year.  Make the most of every one of them!