THE SUPERHERO WITHIN

As a child, I was never really interested in superheroes.  My only participation with anything related to superheroes was my special handshake with my sister.  It came from The Wonder Twins from the show Super Friends.  The Wonder Twins were a brother and sister duo who were superheroes-in-training.  Their powers were activated when they touched each other and said "Wonder Twin power activate!"  My sister and I would alter this phrase to say "Sister power activate!" To this day, when something happens and we need to feel that bond, we remember those words from our childhood.   Now that I am an adult, the topic of superheroes is primarily relegated to conversations with my own children.  Last year for Halloween, my daughter dressed up as SuperGirl and I dressed as SuperMom. We made a good superhero team, and it was also a way for us to feel close and connected, just as my sister and I would always try to do.  

This past summer, a song was released by The Script entitled Superheroes.  Here are some of the lyrics from that song:

"When you've been fighting for it all your life,
You've been struggling to make things right.
That's how a superhero learns to fly,
Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power.

All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry.
When the moment is just right,
You'll see fire in their eyes.
Cause he's stronger than you know,
A heart of steel starts to grow."

These lyrics are a reminder of how overcoming obstacles leads to strength and empowerment.  I will gladly admit, I am not a superhero.  Although, in my daily life I sometimes feel I'm expected to be one.  I have obligations to my children, my family, my friends, and my clients.  Sometimes I wish I did have super powers to juggle it all effortlessly.  While I may not be able to fly, or be invisible, or have x-ray vision, I do try my best to face challenges head on, with courage and confidence, just like you would expect any superhero to do.  I am proud of my accomplishments.  Yet, I am human.  I am not perfect. At times I struggle, and at times I make mistakes.  I've been through many life challenges and I believe I have come out on the other side...stronger, wiser, and more appreciative of the life that I lead.

As a psychologist, I spend my days showing compassion and trying to provide guidance for the struggles that my clients face in their own lives.  I try to help them to be their own superhero in the story of their life.  A good example of how I view my clients comes from Christopher Reeve, who stated, "A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."  So, when the road of life gets rocky, go ahead and find your inner superhero.  Stand tall and face the problem with whatever mortal powers you possess. You are stronger than you know.  While you're at it, go ahead and tell those you care about how proud you are of their strength and perseverance as well.  Like the Wonder Twins characters, we need to stick together and support each other to make the tough times easier.

"She's got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul,
He's got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control.
Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow.
Now light a match, stand back, and watch them explode."

 As the lyrics above suggest, the more adversity we face, the stronger our power within us becomes.  It's just a matter of finding the spark that ignites our inner superhero.  And then, watch out, because anything is possible!

A BRIDGE BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

A few nights ago, I went to see a well-known spiritual medium who was in town speaking to a large auditorium of people.  I have never been to see a medium before, and up until the past year, never really gave much thought to anything related to the spiritual world or what happens after death.  However, since my mother's passing a year ago, followed by my aunt's death soon after, I've thought more about these issues than I ever did previously. Therefore, when I heard the medium was coming into town I decided to see for myself what it was all about.

Besides being interested in this topic because of my own personal loss, I also have many clients that attend therapy because they are grieving.  Some of these clients are children and some are adults, but regardless of their age, they all have one thing in common.  Everyone seems to be looking for some sort of peace.  As I sat in the audience the other night at the event, I was moved by some of the stories of loss that I heard.  I was also impressed, and at times astonished, at how the medium was able to provide valuable information to the loved ones of the deceased. Her words not only gave clarity for the audience, but also seemed to provide much comfort to those to whom she transmitted spiritual messages.

After leaving the event, one thing that continued to stay on my mind is the idea of loved ones wanting to have some sort of closure, as well as the feelings of regret for not having had the opportunity to say their goodbyes.  If you've read earlier blog entries of mine, you may recall the one entitled "If Today Was Your Last Day", which addresses the issue of not knowing when our last day will come, or our loved ones' last day, and trying to make the most of life while we can.  For example. we should try to make sure that the people in our lives know their importance to us.  With this in mind,  I often make a point of telling my children that I love them every single day, and often multiple times a day.  Since I only have them with me fifty percent of the time, I always make sure that I speak to them on days I don't see them.  I have learned the hard way that you never know when it may be your last chance to tell someone how you feel or to say goodbye.  I have discussed this in other blog entries as well, but I believe it is always worth repeating.  If we live a life of true connection to others, then whenever the end of life comes, we will be ready to embrace it, and to let go.

As I sat in the auditorium and listened to everyone who wanted closure regarding their loss,  and wanted the comfort of knowing that their dearly departed were at peace,  I considered the message we all have been told in multiple ways throughout our lives.  As Emily Dickinson wrote, "Unable are the loved to die.  For love is immortality."  This, of course, leads me to the whole point of this blog entry. Our loved ones stay with us even after they are gone.  They are in our hearts, and on our minds, and therefore never too far away.  Whether or not you believe in their spirit being available to you, or whether you believe they simply live on in memory, the idea is still the same.  There exists a bridge between two worlds.  You and I, and all the other living people, are the bridge between life and those we have lost.  Don't forget those that have passed on.  Honor their memory in whatever way you see fit.  In addition, while you're still here on earth, don't wait to live the life you want.  Don't wait to let others know how you feel. Do it now.  Today is a gift, and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  Although it irks me to have to quote him, John Mayer said it well in the lyrics: "Say what you need to say. It's better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again."  Even if you missed your chance to tell a loved one how you feel, and they are no longer alive, you can still let them know what's in your heart.  They might be listening after all.  

ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

Every day, I work with children, adolescents, and adults who feel left out of their social circles.  They tell me how challenging it is to maintain friendships or relationships, and how alone they often feel.  This isn't unique to my clients.  Everyone, at some time or another, knows what it feels like to be an outsider.  Whether it is a child wanting to fit in with the "popular" group, or an adult wishing their friendship or romantic relationship would work out differently, the feeling of rejection or exclusion is universal.

There is a song by Jordan Pruitt called Outside Looking In.  It includes the following lyrics:

You don't know how it feels, to be outside the crowd.
You don't know what it's like, to be left out.
And you don't know how it feels, to be your own best friend
On the outside looking in.
If you could read my mind, you might see more of me than meets the eye.
And you've been all wrong, Not who you think I am.
You've never given me a chance.

These lyrics resonate with me on so many levels.  I can think back to when I was in grade school, and remember specific incidents where I felt excluded from a group.  Alternatively, I can see it with my own children and their peers, and all of the relational aggression that occurs within friendships.  As an adult, I still can relate to it, whether it be a friend leaving me out, or people that judge me without really knowing me or what I'm about.  I believe these lyrics are something everyone can relate to in some way.

Sometimes, the phrase "on the outside looking in" can have other meanings, besides about exclusion.  For example, my clients often tell me that they feel they have wonderful lives...if you were to be looking from the outside.  They acknowledge that they are fortunate to have good things in their world, whether that be financial security, meaningful relationships with family and friends, a career they enjoy, etc.  They tell me that other people don't think they really have a "reason" to be unhappy, or anxious, or fill-in-the-blank with any other psychological symptom. However, they feel they are struggling on the inside.  I tell them that just because the pieces of the puzzle are all there, it doesn't mean that they are fitting together in the best way possible.  Perhaps there are more pieces that need to be included, or the pieces that exist need to be rearranged, or perhaps recognized as being an important part of the whole. Whatever the case, it usually means something has to change, whether that be an attitude, a thought process, a behavior, or actual life changes.   More often than not, I find that feeling on the outside of something (such as distance in a marriage or feeling left out at work) is the cause of much of my clients'  unhappiness.

Even though we grow up to become adults who can be anyone we want to be, we still carry with us the pressures of childhood and fears of not fitting in.  Even though there is a whole world out there, with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds, as adults, we still sometimes tend to live within the microcosm of high school mentality. Maybe it's not as evident as it was in grade school, but as adults, cliques still abound.  What I find in my work with my clients is that whether they are elementary school students, middle school students, high school students, college students, or fully grown adults in the work force, the need to belong and feel valued just doesn't seem to go away.

When I got diagnosed with cancer, and I was wishing I had family in town, or a husband to help me though it, I had a friend tell me that I was not alone.  My friend reassured me that there were people out there in the world praying for me, people I didn't even know that were fighting for me.  Those words (whether they were true or not) really affected me, and even as I sit here now writing them, they bring tears to my eyes.  As Michael Jackson's song lyrics state, "You are not alone.  I am here with you.  Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart.  You are not alone."  When life gets tough, and you feel alone, remember that there are  people out there that care about you. If you are reading this blog, even though we may never have met, know that I am one of those people.  You don't have to feel you are on the outside looking in. You don't have to feel left out.  You don't have to feel like you are "supposed" to be anyone except exactly who you really are.

FORGIVE, FORGET, MOVE FORWARD

These days, I do not consider myself a very religious person.  However, for a slight change of pace, this blog refers to my religion.  In the Jewish religion, the ten days between the holiday of Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and the holiday of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) marks the time when Jews reflect on their transgressions and atone for their sins.  This past week welcomed in the new year, and this coming weekend begins the holiday of Yom Kippur.  Therefore, I thought it was the perfect time to write a blog about forgiveness.

This Rosh Hashanah, my children and I had a discussion about what we are sorry for and what we will try to do better this year.  They said things like, "I'll be a better listener" and "I'll be more respectful."  I said I would have more patience and try not to raise my voice to them.  It was a nice discussion that I felt addressed all of our concerns.  As I look back over the past year, I have been through a lot.  Yet, I always felt like I continued to try to look out for others' well being, despite my own challenging circumstances. I recognize there were probably times that I could have done better.  I am only human.  I make mistakes.  I can only juggle so much. All I can do is apologize for those mistakes, and try to do better the next time.  So, if by some chance I have hurt your feelings in any way, (be you a friend, family member, or even a stranger), I am truly sorry.

The phrase forgive and forget is an interesting one.  People don't really forget the times they feel they were wronged.  They tuck it away in their memory, but sometimes, it resurfaces.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a more conscious choice.  It takes effort and awareness to recognize that people make mistakes, and then try to accept it and move forward.  I tend to think of myself as a very forgiving person.  When someone has wronged me in some way, I have a choice.  I can hold on to that hurt and anger, or I can try to understand it, and then let it go. I don't believe I hold grudges.  I don't become vengeful.  I try to understand others' perspectives so that I may accept situations and move forward, rather than being stuck in negative emotions.  Of course, as I mentioned before, I am only human.  I am not perfect.  These are my goals and aspirations.

It is a valuable skill to be able to accept someone's apology and clear your heart and mind to move forward.  Yet, don't forgive someone for their sake.  Forgive them for your own.  Holding on to anger only causes more difficulties. Keeping grudges can cause physical and psychological harm to oneself.  I've always believed that I live my life in such a way that every day is a clean slate. Every day is a fresh start. It is a new opportunity for me to do better, and a new opportunity to accept others' mistakes as well.  No one knows what tomorrow brings.  Live each day in such a way that, if it were your last, you would die feeling good about the choices you made and the way you treated others. I don't have to tell you about the value of life.  Many of you know from your own experiences that life is fragile.  Life is precious.  Life is fleeting.  So, let's live it with love and forgiveness, rather than hurt, anger, or resentment.  As Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Be strong.  Forgive those who you feel have wronged you.  Forgiveness brings peace.

As we move through the next year, whether secular or religious, let us all remember what Einstein said.  "Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance you must keep moving." No matter what comes your way, keep moving.  If you have made mistakes, apologize and keep moving.  If you have been wronged, forgive and keep moving.  For those of you who celebrate this holiday, happy new year! Forgive, forget, and move forward!

525,600 MINUTES

If you've been reading my blog lately, you may have noticed that I've been writing a lot about the passage of time.  My blogs have described looking at the past, looking ahead to the future, as well as acknowledging important milestones in my life.  Today is another milestone for me.  Today is the one year anniversary of my breast cancer surgery.  In some ways, it seems like it has been longer than a year, and in other ways it seems like it just happened yesterday.  In any case, I am happy to be able to say that, a year later, I am doing well and looking forward to many healthy and happy years ahead of me.

All things considered, I had a pretty easy fight against cancer (if being diagnosed with cancer can ever be considered easy.)  I was fortunate that it was caught early and that it was small and had not spread.  Sometimes I wonder, as I've mentioned before, if this was just the opening act, and that some day there will be another cancer scene in the story of my life.  I know that I'm not alone in that feeling.  Many other women who have battled breast cancer have that same nagging worry.  Yet, I am optimistic that this will not occur, and that even if it did, I would get through it and be fine.  I've learned a lot in the past year about my own inner strength, as well as the importance of social support.

There is a song from the musical Rent called Seasons of Love which speaks to the passage of time over one year in life.  It includes the following lyrics:

525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?
How about love?

Recently, I attended a funeral in which friends of the deceased sang this song at the start of the service.  It seemed like the perfect addition to the rest of the service.  It captured the importance of all of the little moments in life that mark the passage of time.  How does one measure a year? The song suggests measuring it in love.  The fact that this song was included in the service highlights how much love this person had from those around her, through her healthy times, and through the times of her illness.

As I think about my own life over the past year, a few things have changed in my life, and many have stayed the same.  Yet, whether changes occurred in my relationships, or my career, or my family, or any other aspect in life, there is one thing that has changed for certain.  Me.  I'm a different person in some ways than I was a year ago.  My experiences, both good and bad, have changed who I am, and how I live my life.  In addition, I believe that having had a cancer diagnosis, and learning about and going through treatment, has made me a better psychologist. It has also made me a better mother, friend, and relative.  It has allowed me to understand things about myself and others that perhaps I did not understand as well before.  There have been ups and down and pain and loss, of course, but there has also been joy and strength.

Thank you to those of you have who traveled alongside me on my journey this past year, whether it was to offer friendship, or support, or to teach me something about life, or about myself.  As the song states, "It's time now, to sing out, though the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends."  Today, on my surgery anniversary, I ask all of you to celebrate life, celebrate your friends and loved ones, and most importantly, celebrate you.  You have 525, 600 minutes in a year.  Make the most of every one of them!

IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY

The other night I watched the movie "Dallas Buyers Club" starring Matthew McConaughey.  It is the story of Ron Woodruff, an electrician and rodeo cowboy, who learns he has HIV and that he probably has thirty days to live.  He ends up taking matters into his own hands by researching his disease and gaining access to medication that ultimately allows him to live much longer than expected.  Prior to his diagnosis, however,  he spent all of his days drinking, smoking, and using drugs. Once he learns about his illness, he sets out to change his lifestyle, and his fate, and ultimately, the fate of others as well.  

If you knew you only had one day left to live, or even thirty days, how would you spend it before leaving this world? Sometimes, an individual knows the number of days they have left to live, but more often, people have no idea when their last day will be their last. What would be your prioritites before you die, and what would you do about it? There is a song by Nickelback which includes the following lyrics: "If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last, leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you had, if today was your last day? Would you call those friends you never see, reminisce old memories, would you forgive your enemies?"  While some of you may not be Nickelback fans, I think these song lyrics speak to the importance of recognizing our priorities in life, before it is too late.

It has almost been a year since my mother passed away.  This Mother's Day will be the first one without her.  It will also be the day of her unveiling.  If you're not familiar with that term, it is a religious tradition in which a ceremony is held when a grave is marked with a stone or monument, and it occurs within one year after the death. I continue to try to hold on to my mother (through memories of her, her wisdom, her words, etc.) while I also continue to try to let her go.  When she passed away, it was completely unexpected.  I don't think she had any idea it was going to be her last day.  I don't know for sure, but I certainly had no idea.  If I had known it would be the last time I would see her, of course I would have done things differently that day.  Yet, I realize that I could not have known. I wonder if she had known, what would she have wanted to do that day?  I feel very fortunate that my children and I got to spend her last day with her.  She and my father lived out of town, and for me it was a blessing that by chance they were here visiting, and we were able to see her on her last day of life.

A little less than a year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am cancer-free now, but that's the type of diagnosis that makes you ask yourself questions such as, what is important to me in my life? When you take away all of the bullshit, what really matters most? For me, my children are of the greatest importance.  I live for them.  I don't just mean they are my greatest reason for getting up every day, which they happen to be.  I mean I live my life in order for them to have me to take care of them; to raise them, to comfort them, to help them on their journey to becoming adults.  In addition to my kids, my other relationships, such as with family and friends, are also most important to me.  People have all different things that are important to them.  For me, it has always been connection with others that is a priority.  Perhaps it is also why I went into the career that I did.  As a clinical psychologist, I find it very rewarding to connect with others and help them to achieve their own goals in life.  

We never know when we will take our last breath, or when our loved ones will either.  We need to make the most of what is in front of us as it happens. As James Dean said, "Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today." In other words, don't wait until your last day to start living the life you want now.  You never know when that last day will come. Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you.  Go ahead, tell them now.  Don't wait.  Live your dreams today.  Like the lyrics of the Nickelback song tell us, "Do whatever it takes 'cause you can't rewind a moment in this life." Once it's gone, it's gone. So, ask yourself this, if today was your last day, what would you do?

WINNIE THE POOH...AND MINDFULNESS TOO

"What day is it?" asked Winnie the Pooh.  

"It's today," squeaked Piglet. 

"My favorite day," said Pooh. 

This is a quote from the children's stories Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne.  It speaks of the joy of being present in the moment.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday, or what will be tomorrow.  The only thing that matters is what is happening today. And today, as Pooh suggests to us, is a day worth reveling in.  

Do you ever have that feeling that time has passed, but you weren't really paying attention? Perhaps you were so busy with your daily routine that you became distracted while time slipped away from you? A common example of this is when you're driving down the same road you travel everyday, to work or to the store, and all of a sudden you're at your destination, but you don't really remember how you got there. It happens to me all the time.  You're living the moment, but you're not really present. Sometimes it happens to me when I'm reading.  My mind starts to wander, and I have to go back and re-read something.

Mindfulness is an attentive awareness of the reality of things in the present moment. It allows us to appreciate the here and now.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Life is a journey, not a destination." There does not have to be a rush to get anywhere.  Life is made up of moments. Sometimes, we just need to take in the moment, and to breathe.  This is something I often try to assist my clients in doing in their own lives.  There is much to be gained from taking a step back, surveying the situation, and appreciating it for whatever it is.  It is similar to taking a mental snapshot of a moment, so as not to forget it. It allows us to solidify a memory, as we are making a conscious effort to take notice.  Perhaps it's a beautiful sunset, or a baby's first step, or a loving glance between two people.  Or maybe it's just any every day moment, yet it is one in which we are present.

In today's society, there are so many things that keep us from from being fully present in the moment. Look at modern technology.  For example, my children are on their iPhone and iPod often, and while doing so, time certainly seems to slip by for them.  In some cases, it's a good thing.  It keeps them quietly occupied when nothing else will do.  Other times, it's just a distraction from more important  things going on around them.  With the development of social media, things like Facebook or Twitter (or a slew of other sites that I cannot even keep track of these days), there are a lot of ways to interfere with mindfulness.  In fact, while you're reading this blog, perhaps you're not fully present. Maybe you're multitasking. That's ok, but feel free to take a moment now to really reflect on what you're reading.  Ok, there, thats better. Thank you :)

Sometimes, I think about what life would be like without all of the high tech gadgets and gizmos we use daily.  Growing up in my day, they didn't exist like they do now.  Even so, when I was a child, I used to go to summer camp to get a taste of mindfulness.  Summer camp is a lot different these days, as it has had to keep up with society's advances, like everything else.  Yet, the idea of camp is still the same. I loved having time to enjoy nature, to sit quietly and reflect, and to get to know my peers face to face.

I've always wondered what it would have been like to live in the time of Little House On The Prairie.  I used to watch that television show every day when I was a child.  In case you grew up living under a rock, this show was an American Western drama television series about the life and adventures of the Ingalls family in the 1870s and 1880s.  As an adult, I often wonder what it would be like grow up in that type of simple environment, without the bells and whistles of today's world.  Of course, those times required people to face many hardships.  Yet, there was something about appreciating the simple things that I find very appealing.

Sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in our fast paced society and all of its pressure. We find ourselves  worrying about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  There are bills to pay, mouths to feed, and to-do lists that are ten feet long.  Sometimes, the chaos of today may rob us of our memorable moments.  However, it doesn't have to be this way.  We can be mindful.  I often have times in my life where memories play like a video in my head. It might be a memory of one day, or it might be snapshots of many days or memories.  Often they are about times with my children, or about memories of others who have been close to me.  In these situations, I have paid attention to past moments in which I was fully present, and I am remembering them as clear as if they are happening today.

This moment, this one right now, is the only moment that matters. It is worth being present.  It will help you remember later on, when the moment is a distant memory. As Paul Anka sings, "Remember, do you remember, the times of your life." Be present.  Be mindful. Remember.  Like Pooh suggests, go ahead and cherish today. Make it your favorite day.

SCREWS FALL OUT ALL THE TIME

One of my favorite lines from a movie is, "Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place."  I can't tell you how many times I must've quoted this line from the character John Bender in the 1985  movie The Breakfast Club.  It seems to be appropriate in many situations in every day life (at least in mine anyway!) However, in the film, this line is delivered when the detention teacher is asking Bender to give the screw back that he believes was stolen from the door. Bender's reply is humorous, nervy, and profound all at the same time. (On a side note, if you haven't seen this movie, you are seriously missing out on a classic film that was an influential part of my generation's formative years.)

In any case, there is a lot of truth to this quote.  Things don't always go as we have planned, or as we would like.  We have to be ready and willing to deal with the unexpected.  It's not always going to be easy. As Adam Levine of Maroon 5 tell us, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."  Sometimes, we just have to make the most of the situation at hand, even if it's not what we had intended it to be. We need to find ways to keep the door open, even with missing screws, just like the detention teacher tries to do in the movie.

When I first got divorced several years ago, and was adjusting to my new life, a friend of mine had cautioned me, "Some days are just not going to be as good as others.  And thats ok.  Don't expect them to be.  The next day will be better."  He had good advice that was useful at the time, and I still think about it often.  I try to teach my clients this as well.  Just because an individual may be feeling sad or discouraged in that particular moment, it does not necessarily mean that they will feel that way tomorrow. There are things that can be done to change how one thinks and feels.  This is very important for suicidal clients who, at the moment, may feel hopeless and helpless in their situation.  It is helpful to remember other times when they have felt good, and know that they can feel this way again. This is one moment in time, and it doesn't have to be forever. The same goes for clients with mood disorders who don't always know exactly what the next day will bring or how they will feel going through it.

For every one of us, there will always be challenging days in our lives.  Yet, there will always be better days too.  I've mentioned to some of my clients that this week is the official beginning of Spring.  I've had some people ask if I'm suggesting that there is a new beginning in their near future. (Yes, even my clients know how much I like metaphors and quotes.)  I believe there is a new beginning that awaits us.  When spring arrives, the snow melts, the temperatures rise, and a new energy fills the air.   Spring is known as the season of rebirth.  There has been a lot of  rough weather this past year, and everyone is ready for a change. However, it is worthwhile to remember that bad weather also brings with it an appreciation for the good that follows it.  This sentiment is described by the poet Anne Bradstreet. "If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

So, come the polar vortex, or loose screws, or any other type of adversity that is in our way, there is one thing I know for sure.  It's all part of life.  The good, the bad, and the in-between. We just have to roll with it. Screws fall out all the time.  The world's an imperfect place.  Embrace the imperfection.

CARPE DIEM!

CARPE DIEM

In the 1989 film Dead Poet’s Society, Robin Williams starred as an English literature teacher in a conservative, elite prep school.  In one particular scene, the class is discussing a poem written by Robert Herrick.  It includes the verse “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying. And this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying.”  The poem reflects the idea that time passes quickly, and therefore we must make the most of every moment.  The Latin phrase “Carpe Diem” became popular in today’s culture from this movie, as the poem’s message is reflected in this phrase.  Carpe diem translates to Seize The Day.  In the movie, Robin Williams’ character teaches his students to love poetry, and to seize the day.  He encourages them to live life immediately, and live it to its fullest. 

This is a valuable and powerful message. I’ve experienced the importance of carpe diem in my own life.  I have learned through the years that life is fragile. What is here one day may be gone tomorrow. For example, I remember when I turned 40, I threw a big party with all of my friends.  I also took a trip to Mexico to celebrate my milestone.  I remember thinking at the party how lucky I was, how fortunate to have so many people in my life to celebrate with me in so many ways.  However, several months later, many things changed, including my mother suddenly passing away, and then following that, I received a diagnosis of cancer. One day I was a happy, healthy 40 year old ready to start a new, better decade than the last, and the next day my world looked very different.  Appreciate what you have today because it might be gone tomorrow, whether that be your health, a relationship, a job, a loved one, or any other aspect of life that we value.   

In my work as a clinical psychologist, I often see clients whose lives have been affected by some sort of upheaval, whether it be by tragedy, or any other type of unexpected change.  I encourage my clients to say how the feel and to express their thoughts, not only in our sessions, but in their own lives.  The truth is, we don’t always get a second chance.  However, sometimes we don’t say, or for that matter, don’t do, whatever it is that needs to happen.   We don’t seize the day, and we miss out on opportunities to better ourselves, and our lives.

Anxiety disorders, which affect 40 million adults in the U.S., and one in eight children, often affect an individual’s ability to seize the day. Anxiety seems to be the number one mental health problem in our society.  Anxiety can prevent people from living their lives to the fullest.  Treating anxiety disorders is a specialty of mine in my private practice (including generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, social phobia, PTSD, and specific phobias).  Anxiety is a highly treatable condition, however not all people realize this and not all seek help. Genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events have all been shown to play a role in the development of anxiety disorders.  When my clients come to see me, I help them learn that they have the ability to decrease, manage, and control their anxiety.  They are taught cognitive  tools to use to allow them to change  their anxiety-provoking thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  Anxiety can be overwhelming for many people, and at times, debilitating. It is certainly one type of factor that can prevent people from making the most of the moments they have. 

On a personal note, I can also relate to anxiety having an effect on my own efforts to seize the day.  For example, when I was a student in graduate school, I often experienced anxiety with public speaking. I would become nervous when I knew I had to speak in front of large groups of people.  In graduate school, there was no way to avoid public speaking.  I had to contribute to class discussions, present my masters thesis and doctoral dissertation to a committee of professors as well as the public, and I also had to teach psychology classes to undergraduate students.  Public speaking was a part of daily graduate student life.  Often, I would try to think of something to help me through the discomfort.  I used the Nike slogan “Just Do It.”  When it came time for me to speak, I would try to avoid thinking about anything I was experiencing internally, but rather would focus on just doing it….just taking that moment to speak, without evaluating myself…and to seize the day.  Fortunately, it worked, and I made it through graduate school successfully, public speaking and all.

Similarly, as an undergraduate student, I had to make choices to either avoid anxiety-provoking  situations, or to live in the moment. I chose to live abroad for a semester in Israel on an overseas student program.  I did not have any friends going on the program, but I signed up anyway.  We only get one chance to seize the moment, and this seemed like an opportunity that I did not want to miss.  That was one of the best, albeit one of the most difficult and challenging, experiences of my life.  I will never get those times back, but I am so thankful that I took the opportunity to enjoy them while I could.

Sometimes, it can be a physical problem or a health condition that can affect how we seize the day.  Recently, I saw one of my client’s who is battling a terminal illness.  There are so many obstacles for her to be able to live in the moment and to take all the opportunities that come her way.  Daily life is a struggle.  It can be hard to find the positive in a world full of suffering and uncertainty. Yet, when we talked, we discussed how to take those things that matter most in life, and to enjoy the good that comes along, and to find the silver linings wherever possible. 

When my son was three years old, he broke his leg and ended up in a full leg cast and a wheelchair.  He didn’t let it stop him, however.  When all the other kids in the neighborhood were outside riding bikes, he rolled his wheelchair outside and raced right alongside them.  He didn’t allow his condition to prevent him from seizing the day…from getting to play outside with his friends in whatever way possible.  We were fortunate, as this was a temporary obstacle, and after several months he was back on his feet.  However, there are a lot of people who live with daily, permanent physical challenges, who somehow find a way to not let these interfere with making the most of every moment. 

Recently, I attended a school talent show for my children.  The principal made a joke that the theme song of the school this year was the song Let It Go from the movie Frozen.  It seemed that every elementary school girl had chosen to sing Let It Go for the talent show.  Perhaps this is because so many kids loved the movie. Or perhaps because they loved the idea of dressing up as the characters in the movie.  Or, perhaps, on a more profound note, our children know a good lesson when they hear one.  The lyrics of one of the verses of the song include the following:

“Its funny how some distance makes everything seems small.  And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through.  No right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!“

Maybe our youth today understand that when we let go of our fears, insecurities, and apprehensions, and allow ourselves to be who we truly are, limitations and all, and we let ourselves live in the moment, that we are suddenly, totally free.   Whether we are limited by emotional or physical difficulties, or any other kind of hardship, we as humans still possess the ability to take the great moments that come our way, live them as thoroughly as possible, and to cherish them afterwards.

At the end of the poetry scene in the movie Dead Poet’s Society, Robin Williams whispers, “Make your lives extraordinary.” I believe this is excellent advice. This moment, right now, is the only one we know we have for certain.  Just do it. Make it count. Seize the day.  Carpe Diem!