ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW...I LEARNED IN ONE WEEK

Over the past decade, I have written several blog posts which have titles that emulate the famous book "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." That book was first published in 1986 and is a collection of short essays by Robert Fulgham. Examples of similar titles of my blog posts have included "All I Really Need To Know I Learned At the Gym" and "Life Lessons From Travel Baseball". The basis of these blog posts have been that we can learn much about life, human behavior, and relationships just by participating in the world around us.  Today's blog "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In One Week" may duplicate some of these learned lessons, but I believe they are always worth repeating. Here are seven life lessons that I accumulated during the seven days of my recent travel abroad. 

This summer I traveled to Italy with my oldest child, a recent college graduate.  We spent a week there, with the goal of celebrating this special milestone.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for both of us.  As one might expect, our adventure did not always go smoothly, and we encountered a handful of obstacles along the way. Although we were only away from home for one week, I could not help but be reminded of some basic insights into how to make the most out of our everyday lives.  

1. How You Treat People Matters.  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." This quote by Maya Angelou resonates with my experience traveling abroad. While in Italy, we encountered several challenges that highlighted this idea that regardless of what people say or do, they either leave you with a good feeling or a bad one. When it comes to how we reflect upon something later, the overall emotional experience may be more important than the specific events that took place.  At times, there were people we encountered on our trip that were not so nice to us. Perhaps they were irritated with our lack of knowledge of their language, or maybe they were just frustrated in general that they could not communicate with us.  However, there were also people that helped us along the way, even though it presented challenges for them, and these kind humans will forever stay in my mind.  For example, the man that worked at our hotel in Rome who found us a local hospital emergency room, and then ordered us a taxi, was considerate and reassuring in our time of need.  The doctor who was the only one at the hospital who spoke enough English for us to understand what was happening (with some help from Google Translate) allowed us to be able to ask questions.  Likewise, we will always be grateful to the young European couple who went out of their way for us when we were lost in Venice, in order to help us locate a water taxi to get to our hotel when no one else could.  These individuals are going to be etched in my mind, perhaps more so than our experiences themselves, because when we needed help they showed us kindness and compassion and patience. 

2. The Only Way To Grow Is To Leave Your Comfort Zone.  You cannot evolve if you don't change your surroundings once in awhile.  It is not always an easy thing to do. For example, I had not been on an international flight in years.  I'll be honest, I was not looking forward to a nine or ten hour flight there, and longer on the way back, including a layover.  However, sometimes you have to leave what you know behind in order to discover what you don't know.  As Tony Robbins said "All growth starts at the end of your comfort zone." Until you are ready to try something new, you will always be standing in the same place.  There is nothing like traveling to another country (or even to a city next to your own one) to gain a fresh perspective on life.  

3. Things Can Always Be Worse. (And You Should Appreciate And Be Grateful For All Of The Ways In Which Things Go Right.) On our return flight home, we had an issue with our connecting flight from Atlanta to Detroit due to our flight from Italy departing late.  However, after racing to the gate in Atlanta, and pleading with the airport staff to let us on after we were automatically rebooked on a flight three hours later, we were lucky enough to get to go standby on our original flight.  Objectively, had we been stuck waiting another three hours for a flight, we would have been fine, but we were ready to get home. The most important thing was that we made it to Italy and back safely.  In the big picture, nothing else really matters does it? Sometimes it can be helpful to consider the ways things go right rather than how they have gone wrong.  For example, (and sorry for the squeamish ones out there), a little boy vomited all over right next to me while we were stuck standing in the storm-flooded, crowded streets of Venice (which increased its impact on those around him due to all the puddles). I watched it all as if in slow motion, but I was grateful he didn't actually vomit on me. (I did feel very badly for him, he looked so upset, as did his parents.) 

4. You Are Not The Center Of The Universe.  Americans, for a variety of reasons which we won't discuss here, are not always viewed in a positive light when visiting other countries.  On our vacation, there were times where we would sit and watch people, and it became clear to us what some of those reasons might be.  In fact, the famous saying "When in Rome" which has been shortened from "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" has great significance. Adjust your behavior to fit your surroundings. Be respectful, observe cultural norms, and remember that just because you do things a certain way, does not mean that it is the right way, especially in a different context or environment. 

5. You Are Never Really Lost, As Long As You Don't Give Up.  If you find yourself lost in the crowded streets of a major city in a foreign country, just know that you will find your way.  It might take hours, but it will happen. You will arrive at your destination eventually.  Thirty years ago, when I lived in another country for six months while in college, there were no cell phones, or google translate, or Uber apps.  I once got lost for hours in the crowded streets of a foreign country because nobody could understand my  English when I tried to find my way to my youth hostel. As I have described above, I had a similar experience being lost a few weeks ago while traveling in Italy with my daughter.  Yet, in 2025, there are so many ways that modern technology is able to help us find our way. Moreover, the idea that, you are never really lost as long as you don't give up, can have additional meaning in all aspects of life, and it is one worth thinking about further.  

6.. Experience Is More Valuable Than Things.  Memories, rather than material possessions, are what add to the richness of life.  I truly hope that one day, when my daughter looks back on our trip, that she thinks about how we both got to experience a once in a lifetimes adventure together. I know I have been changed by both the positive and negative experiences we had while traveling.  There were many obstacles along the way, and even many difficult times in which we didn't get along, but there were also life experiences that we shared together that we would not have gotten had we not taken this trip.  

7. No Matter Where You Go In The World, Human Beings Are More Similar Than Different. Whether in an emergency room, an airport, or walking along a crowded street, wherever you are in the world, there will always be similarities in human behavior.  For example, as we sat in the hospital for hours, I couldn't help but look around and see what others were doing. From what I could tell, nobody spoke English in the ER, not the staff nor the patients. Yet, it was easy to pick up on nonverbal cues about what was happening in this group of stranger's lives. For example, it was easy to understand the emotions of the woman who was pacing around, holding the side of her stomach and looking like she was in pain. There were young adults animatedly looking at their phones and whispering.  There was a policeman who came in to question some teenagers. There was an elderly woman on a gurney who seemed very scared and didn't really seem to know where she was. It really doesn't matter where you are in the world, if you are human, there are certain fundamental emotions and behaviors that connect people and create shared experience.  Likewise, a few days later when I asked a young Italian couple sitting next to me on the four and a half hour train ride about how to lock the bathroom door (it was very high tech!) they may have only spoken a bit of English, but they completely understood my concerns and embarrassment about having been walked in on earlier.  Pain, fear, embarrassment, hope...these human emotions are what connects us all, regardless of who we are or where we live. 

In summary, all I really need to know I learned in one week while traveling abroad.  Whether or not I am ever fortunate enough to make that trip again, or even a similar one, I know that I will always remember these lessons, and the individuals that I encountered along the journey.  I believe that these seven reminders gathered from my seven days of travel are helpful ways to approach life, and are applicable no matter what challenges we face, or where we are in the world.  

THERE IS A LOT OF PEE IN THE DATING POOL...AND SOME OF US CAN'T SWIM

Perhaps the title of this blog post catches you by surprise.  Perhaps it sounds inappropriately sarcastic, or even confusing. Or perhaps, it gives you a small chuckle, as it resonates in some way with your own experiences. Whatever way you view it, I believe it adequately speaks to many people's perception of the current state of dating. Yet, despite the bad rap that dating gets in 2025, there are still some positive things to consider. However, let's first take a closer look at the negative side.  

"There is a lot of pee in the dating pool" seems to be a common phrase among single people. While this refers to the lack of potential quality mates that single people encounter, it does not fully express the true challenges of the current state of the dating world.  So I have added, "And some of us can't swim." We all know if there is pee in the pool, nobody wants to swim in it, and it is hard to avoid it if we try.  And, if you're not a good swimmer, and you're simply focused on staying afloat, you might not realize the pee is there. Likewise, when it comes to dating, you cannot avoid that of which you are not aware.  It can be difficult to find a good partner (and sometimes even a good date), as many people are not truthful about who they are, or what kind of intentions they have.  Others may be transparent about these things, but may lack a desire for anything substantial, while some may even admit to not actually being single. It can be challenging to figure out how to navigate through the cloudy waters of the dating pool, not knowing what to expect, or whom to trust.  In today's dating world, it is easy to become overwhelmed with all kinds of obstacles that did not exist in previous times. For example, dating apps can be confusing and tedious for singles, and can be fraught with undesirable mates. Additionally, today's dating language includes terms like situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, lovebombing, and catfishing, to name a few.  There is an entire new lexicon to learn that describes possible unfortunate experiences and outcomes for singles who are out in the world trying to date. 

As we know, individuals have all kinds of reasons for wanting to find a significant other, whether that be finding a life partner, or a friend with benefits, or anything in between.  Often you will see dating app profiles that jokingly state, "I am looking for a new emergency contact'" but this is only partly facetious.  Such challenges, like who to rely on in an emergency, or even with whom to spend the holidays, are real obstacles that uncoupled individuals must face.  As a psychologist (and a single person), I am well versed in the pros and cons of being single and dating.  I have learned, both professionally while working with my clients, and personally through my own experiences meeting people, that many singles struggle in ways that partnered individuals do not. Some singles can be so confused about their own values and needs, that they can't know how to be a good partner to someone else.  I have met individuals that have been trying to fill the void of single life with all kinds of replacement activities and emotional avoidance strategies, which are often maladaptive, and may end up hurting someone else. When we consider all of the possible negative outcomes of meeting someone new, it is no surprise that the dating pool has been described as one filled with pee. 

So with all of these dating difficulties, what is a single person to do? Fortunately, it is not all a cesspool of urinary waste! Dating can provide opportunities to meet individuals with whom you might not otherwise cross paths.  Dating apps allow people to interact with people from all over their state, country, and even the world.  While not all dates may lead to relationships, sometimes, the dating world is a gateway for interesting conversations and even new friendships.  In fact, these days, dating apps have friendship options, where you can connect with other singles who share common interests and are also looking to make new friends.  Years of research has shown us that social interaction, and social support, are essential to living satisfying, psychologically healthy, and even physically healthy lives. Yet, making friends as a single person is not always easy.  It can be common for married friends to have difficulty understanding what it is like to be single, and they are often busy with their own spouse and families.  Many singles describe feeling like the "third wheel" when socializing with their coupled friends.  Likewise, I was once invited to a married friend's house for a holiday.  When she changed her mind and decided to invite only couples instead, I suddenly found myself disinvited, without any holiday plans. While her decision was hurtful, I am guessing she couldn't understand the reasons it felt that way, as she likely never had to be alone on a holiday. 

Fortunately, these days there are all kind of options for social groups for single people. Singles can join social groups to meet others with common interests and enjoy all kinds of activities, whether that be to play pickleball, enjoy wine tasting, go to concerts, go kayaking, or anything else under the sun.  For some of us, that may sound awkward, right? (Remember what it felt like when you were in middle school, walking into the lunchroom, not knowing who you would sit with that day, and it seemed like everyone was part of some clique? Well, yeah, it can feel a bit like that.)  However, the good news is, it is not actually that way. At least, in my experience, at the few events I have attended for two different singles groups, I have found most people to be friendly and welcoming.  After all, as the title of a song from High School Musical tells us "We're all in this together." If we find other single friends that share similar life experiences, and can empathize with the challenges of single life and the dating world, then we are better able to enjoy all that life has to offer, and are likely to feel less alone while doing so. Years ago, I had a single client who would tell me at the beginning of each session "I really just want to surround myself with good people."  I think she had the right idea. 

After taking into account the dating pool obstacles described above, maybe the topic of this blog post would be best summarized as follows: There is a lot of pee in the dating pool, and some of us can't swim.  However, if we are willing to stay in the pool, and maybe flail around a bit until we get our bearings, we just might learn how to navigate the uncertain waters (and maybe even avoid the pee).  And while in the water, we may come across other swimmers who may help each other out, as we all try to make our way across the cloudy parts of the pool. We might learn some new swimming strokes along the way, or figure out which ones no longer serve us.  Regardless of how we swim, we may find that the dating pool can be a place where possibilities for fun, friendship, and perhaps even love, can be found.  

Now go put your feet in the water and get started!

"I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN": THOUGHTS ON SELF-EFFICACY

The concept of self-efficacy impacts many aspects of individuals' daily lives. Self-efficacy can be defined as a belief in one's own ability to succeed at a task or to accomplish one's goal. In other words, it is the self confidence that one will be effective at achieving a desired outcome.  

Canadian-born psychologist Albert Bandura, often referred to as one of the most influential psychologists in history, introduced the concept of self-efficacy.  He is credited with the statement, "Self-belief does not necessarily ensure success, but self-disbelief assuredly spawns failure."  Believing that you are capable of something makes it much more likely that you will succeed.  Self-efficacy can act as a motivator, as it can influence one's willingness to make an effort. It can also affect one's coping skills when faced with challenges. In my psychology practice, I have had some clients who, at the start of therapy, have felt that they were not confident in their own ability to use the tools of therapy to overcome obstacles in their lives.  Often, these clients would hesitate to initiate action based on the belief that they did not have the capacity to be successful in doing so. Yet, once they began employing the tools of therapy, they realized that they were competent and efficacious. They felt a sense of pride in having been able to effect change, which then motivated them to continue making further effort. 

It would seem that the flip side of self-efficacy is anxiety. If one has the belief that they can cope with whatever comes their way, they are less likely to experience anxiety during times of adversity. Those high in self-efficacy would be more likely to perceive challenges as conquerable. In contrast, individuals who have low self-efficacy may experience more anxiety and employ less adaptive coping strategies. Thinking you can handle something difficult if it happens decreases anxiety and fear, whereas thinking you can't handle something makes you more afraid, and perhaps more avoidant, of situations which may be challenging.  

We can all learn from the line "I think I can, I think I can," in the children's book The Little Engine That Could. Perseverance and positive thinking go a long way toward success. Whatever the challenge, whether it be confidence in one's ability to be successful at work, optimism that one can resolve a personal problem if it arises, or positive beliefs in one's ability to navigate obstacles in a relationship, the idea of self efficacy is central to all areas of life, during all phases of life. When you consider self-efficacy in terms of the lifespan, it might seem like ignorance is bliss.  For example, some people believe that youth think they are invincible (as the old saying goes).  I'll admit, my young adult children seem to have confidence that I, at times, may appear to lack. (I assume I used to be that way at their age though, too).  Now, in mid-life, there are times I feel less self-efficacious than I used to feel. Perhaps it goes along with the saying attributed to Albert Einstein, "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  

Simply put, as Helen Keller has been quoted, "Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  Perhaps we should add self-efficacy to that as well. A positive outlook and belief in oneself seem to be central to accomplishing all kinds of goals, at any age.  Maybe if there were a way to combine the optimism and fearlessness of youth, with the wisdom and experience of age, then we would all be able to exude high levels of self-efficacy. In the meantime, whatever obstacles we face, let's just keep reminding ourselves of The Little Engine That Could, and keep saying "I Think I Can, I Think I Can!"  

HEAR ME ROAR: RESILIENCE AND SENSITIVITY

For over the past decade, music superstar Katy Perry has gained mainstream popularity and media attention for her albums. She has released many hits over the years, including the song "Roar" which topped the charts in the United States and Canada.  The song promotes female empowerment and speaking up to advocate for oneself. Perry has described the song as being related to her personal journey of finding inner strength and resilience.  The lyrics to the chorus include the following:

"I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter

Dancing through the fire 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar."

The song speaks about finding one's own voice and claiming one's own power.  Following its release, Perry hosted a benefit for a breast cancer organization called the Young Survival Coalition, where she performed the song. Since then, "Roar" has often been used as a symbol of fighting cancer, as well as facing other adversities in life. 

"Roar" was released in August 2013, which happens to be the same time that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I have been cancer free ever since then, but over the years, I have had many people comment on my strength and resilience.  An ex-boyfriend of mine from many years ago had said on the day we met "You've had cancer, that must mean you're tough as nails." However, a few years later, he broke up with me and told me that I was not as strong as he assumed I would be.  Another ex-boyfriend told me throughout our relationship how much he admired my strength and resilience, and praised me for my optimism while conquering life's adversities. When our relationship ended, he told me that the breakup should not be difficult for me, since in his mind, it should be completely insignificant compared to things like cancer. While all of these comments were challenging to deal with at the time, they do shed light on the misperceptions surrounding the topics of strength, resilience, and sensitivity.  Resilience can be described as the ability to bounce back and thrive in the face of adversity.  Sensitivity is often referred to as a heightened awareness of one's own emotions along with empathy for others. Resilience and sensitivity are not mutually exclusive. (Apparently, those particular ex-boyfriends of mine did not see it that way). 

The clients that I see in my clinical psychology practice are the most resilient human beings I have ever encountered.  Each week, I am grateful that they are willing to share their struggles with me, as I admire  their strength and fortitude while assisting them in weathering life's storms.  As I help clients explore how to navigate their challenges, such as chronic illness, debilitating OCD and anxiety, and grief and loss, just to name a few, they often express feeling as though their sensitivity to emotional challenges makes them weak.  However, their sensitivity is a powerful tool rather than a hindrance.  Intuitive understanding of the world is resilience. Emotional intelligence is power. Empathy is strength.

In the television series "The Pitt" which takes place in a hospital emergency department at the fictional Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center, there are many moments where sensitivity and resilience intersect. For example, in one of the episodes, a young girl's drowning accident has a lasting emotional impact on Dr. Mel King, a second year resident. Dr. Langdon, a senior resident, says to Dr. King, "You're a sensitive person. This is a tough place for sensitive people. But we need you. Badly."  I agree with Dr. Langdon.  Sensitive people are a necessity in the world.  Yet, there are so many environments and situations in life which discourage sensitivity. However, the ability to be sensitive to others' needs as well as one's own provides the potential for improved communication, greater connection, and ultimately, increased life satisfaction. 

"Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee, I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground"

Like the lyrics of "Roar" remind us, we can persevere despite life's challenges. We can be our own hero by being both sensitive and resilient, for ourselves and for others. 

AUTHENTICITY AND LANDSLIDES

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson speaks to upholding one's authenticity in a world full of pressure to conform. Staying true to your own values, beliefs, and goals is not an easy task, especially in today's stressful society.

When I think about authenticity, my 22 year old daughter comes to mind.  My daughter is an excellent example of an individual who does not let other people's opinions determine who she is or how she lives her life. She is my oldest child, and she will be graduating from college in a few weeks.  I admire her strength and confidence, and her willingness to assert herself in ways that allow her to be seen and heard.  Recently, I went to see one of her dance performances at college.  She had choreographed a dance to the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  I was excited that she had chosen this piece of music, as I used to listen to the song constantly when I was studying abroad in college.  While it used to make me sad to listen to it, as it was a reminder of the challenges I was encountering at the time, it had also been oddly comforting as I navigated a foreign country as a young adult.  The song still moves me today.  It reflects on encountering the uncertainties and challenges of life, and developing the fortitude to navigate through one's fears and face one's adversities.    

"Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

While life is in constant motion, evolving from one obstacle to the next, we truly only have ourselves to count on.  We have to make choices that we can live with, no matter what our friends or family think we should do. Whether it be our career, our significant other, or even how we spend our free time, we must decide what is best for us. We must trust ourselves to make choices that allow us to look in the mirror and say, "No matter what happens, I'm proud of myself for living authentically."

 

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 

Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too."

As the song lyrics refer to the changing seasons of life, and the passage of time, I am reminded that like my daughter, I am also at a transitional point in life as well. My kids are both adults, free to live their lives as they see fit. Likewise, I am now faced with the freedom to make choices that I have not encountered previously.  Despite all of the uncertainty that the future holds, I am excited for my adult children and for myself to be at this point in life. I am certain that, as long as we each live authentically, we have within us the strength and determination to overcome any of life's landslides that may come our way.