Perhaps the title of this blog post catches you by surprise. Perhaps it sounds inappropriately sarcastic, or even confusing. Or perhaps, it gives you a small chuckle, as it resonates in some way with your own experiences. Whatever way you view it, I believe it adequately speaks to many people's perception of the current state of dating. Yet, despite the bad rap that dating gets in 2025, there are still some positive things to consider. However, let's first take a closer look at the negative side.
"There is a lot of pee in the dating pool" seems to be a common phrase among single people. While this refers to the lack of potential quality mates that single people encounter, it does not fully express the true challenges of the current state of the dating world. So I have added, "And some of us can't swim." We all know if there is pee in the pool, nobody wants to swim in it, and it is hard to avoid it if we try. And, if you're not a good swimmer, and you're simply focused on staying afloat, you might not realize the pee is there. Likewise, when it comes to dating, you cannot avoid that of which you are not aware. It can be difficult to find a good partner (and sometimes even a good date), as many people are not truthful about who they are, or what kind of intentions they have. Others may be transparent about these things, but may lack a desire for anything substantial, while some may even admit to not actually being single. It can be challenging to figure out how to navigate through the cloudy waters of the dating pool, not knowing what to expect, or whom to trust. In today's dating world, it is easy to become overwhelmed with all kinds of obstacles that did not exist in previous times. For example, dating apps can be confusing and tedious for singles, and can be fraught with undesirable mates. Additionally, today's dating language includes terms like situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, lovebombing, and catfishing, to name a few. There is an entire new lexicon to learn that describes possible unfortunate experiences and outcomes for singles who are out in the world trying to date.
As we know, individuals have all kinds of reasons for wanting to find a significant other, whether that be finding a life partner, or a friend with benefits, or anything in between. Often you will see dating app profiles that jokingly state, "I am looking for a new emergency contact'" but this is only partly facetious. Such challenges, like who to rely on in an emergency, or even with whom to spend the holidays, are real obstacles that uncoupled individuals must face. As a psychologist (and a single person), I am well versed in the pros and cons of being single and dating. I have learned, both professionally while working with my clients, and personally through my own experiences meeting people, that many singles struggle in ways that partnered individuals do not. Some singles can be so confused about their own values and needs, that they can't know how to be a good partner to someone else. I have met individuals that have been trying to fill the void of single life with all kinds of replacement activities and emotional avoidance strategies, which are often maladaptive, and may end up hurting someone else. When we consider all of the possible negative outcomes of meeting someone new, it is no surprise that the dating pool has been described as one filled with pee.
So with all of these dating difficulties, what is a single person to do? Fortunately, it is not all a cesspool of urinary waste! Dating can provide opportunities to meet individuals with whom you might not otherwise cross paths. Dating apps allow people to interact with people from all over their state, country, and even the world. While not all dates may lead to relationships, sometimes, the dating world is a gateway for interesting conversations and even new friendships. In fact, these days, dating apps have friendship options, where you can connect with other singles who share common interests and are also looking to make new friends. Years of research has shown us that social interaction, and social support, are essential to living satisfying, psychologically healthy, and even physically healthy lives. Yet, making friends as a single person is not always easy. It can be common for married friends to have difficulty understanding what it is like to be single, and they are often busy with their own spouse and families. Many singles describe feeling like the "third wheel" when socializing with their coupled friends. Likewise, I was once invited to a married friend's house for a holiday. When she changed her mind and decided to invite only couples instead, I suddenly found myself disinvited, without any holiday plans. While her decision was hurtful, I am guessing she couldn't understand the reasons it felt that way, as she likely never had to be alone on a holiday.
Fortunately, these days there are all kind of options for social groups for single people. Singles can join social groups to meet others with common interests and enjoy all kinds of activities, whether that be to play pickleball, enjoy wine tasting, go to concerts, go kayaking, or anything else under the sun. For some of us, that may sound awkward, right? (Remember what it felt like when you were in middle school, walking into the lunchroom, not knowing who you would sit with that day, and it seemed like everyone was part of some clique? Well, yeah, it can feel a bit like that.) However, the good news is, it is not actually that way. At least, in my experience, in the few events I have attended for two different singles groups, I have found most people to be friendly and welcoming. After all, as the title of a song from High School Musical tells us "We're all in this together." If we find other single friends that share similar life experiences, and can empathize with the challenges of single life and the dating world, then we are better able to enjoy all that life has to offer, and are likely to feel less alone while doing so. Years ago, I had a single client who would tell me at the beginning of each session "I really just want to surround myself with good people." I think she had the right idea.
After taking into account the dating pool obstacles described above, maybe the topic of this blog post would be best summarized as follows: There is a lot of pee in the dating pool, and some of us can't swim. However, if we are willing to stay in the pool, and maybe flail around a bit until we get our bearings, we just might learn how to navigate the uncertain waters (and maybe even avoid the pee). And while in the water, we may come across other swimmers who may help each other out, as we all try to make our way across the cloudy parts of the pool. We might learn some new swimming strokes along the way, or figure out which ones no longer serve us. Regardless of how we swim, we may find that the dating pool can be a place where possibilities for fun, friendship, and perhaps even love, can be found.
Now go put your feet in the water and get started!
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