A few years ago, I posted a blog entry about toxic, manipulative people. Things have changed a bit since then, as these days there is much more talk of narcissism in casual conversation than ever before. The word Gaslighting (which refers to an abuser trying to manipulate their victim by getting them to question their own perception and judgment) has become common in everyday language. It seems that anyone who has a former significant other likes to refer to their ex as either a gaslighter or a narcissist. Unfortunately, this takes away from the actual seriousness of narcissism and the damage that it causes. Narcissistic abuse is real. A narcissist is more than just a selfish person who is insensitive to others. Narcissists prey on empathetic people who provide "supply" in the form of admiration and attention. Narcissists are attracted to those who possess the qualities that they lack, such as compassion and empathy. They seek to gain control over their victims by putting on a fake image in order to maintain their own feelings of self worth. There is a certain type of narcissist, called a covert narcissist, who can be especially hard to identify. A covert narcissist may appear to be shy, withdrawn, and sometimes even self-deprecating (in contrast to the boisterous narcissist who is always boasting about himself). As Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero states, "Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism". This statement is an example of how these individuals try to appear helpful when in fact they are doing it for their own selfish reasons. For the purpose of this blog entry, I am going to outline nine red flags of narcissists (although there are many more), using examples from a couple, whom I will refer to as Mac, the male covert narcissist, and RT, his girlfriend. (To protect their privacy, these are not their real names or initials.)
Mac and RT started dating several months into Mac's divorce. (Side note: It's never a good idea to date someone while they are going through a divorce). Mac jumped into the relationship quickly, and he made it appear as though RT was the center of his world, essentially his "dreamgirl". At first he would share all of his thoughts and feelings with RT. He said he had never felt this way before. Mac and RT's relationship started out like a beautiful love story, or so it seemed. Mac had mastered the art of love bombing (Red Flag #1: Love bombing, which is not based on a genuine connection, but rather a tool to gain trust and dependency from one's partner.) Love bombing involves showering another person with attention and affection to win them over. Mac would tell RT that they were two peas in a pod. He would mold himself in ways that appeared to RT that they were similar. However, real connection takes time to build and grow. Trust takes time to develop. Mac would surprise RT every day by leaving sweet gifts at her door. He called and texted throughout the day, always making sure she had everything she needed. He planned dates and outings for the two of them. He made it seem like it was a love like no other he had ever experienced. RT tried telling Mac that he should slow down and figure out his new divorced life without being in a new relationship with her so soon. She suggested that they stop dating while he figured out what he really wanted. Yet Mac insisted that he was certain he was meant to be with her. Mac took his love bombing so far that he would even send RT listings of houses that he wanted to one day look at with her, as he constantly talked of moving in together. (Red Flag #2: Future Faking, and making false promises about the long term potential of the relationship). Mac continued to try to convince RT that she was the love of his life and that they had a beautiful future ahead of them.
Then one day Mac changed his loving behaviors and began to pull away. He started being hesitant to commit to anything with RT. RT started noticing that he was inconsistent in his words and actions (Red Flag #3: Words and behavior not matching up suggests dishonesty). He would promise one thing but then do another. He would always have an excuse as to why something did not happen the way it was supposed to happen. After RT expressed her concern, Mac decided he would let RT see his location, using a phone app, thinking that this would reassure her that he only had eyes for her. Of course, while those location apps are not 100 percent accurate, there was enough sketchy pieces of information on multiple occasions to lead her to wonder what else might be going on.
Mac had a plethora of women friends, none of whom he would allow RT to meet. (Red Flag #4: Keeping his world separate from her and information shared only on a need-to-know basis). It seemed like perhaps he wanted to keep his options open with other women, despite constantly denying that. In fact, early on he told RT that she should date other people, but that he only wanted to date her. (If she was the love of his life, as he called her, then how could he fathom the idea of RT going on dates with other men?) He made changes to his privacy settings on social media so that she could not see his friendships. He would say he was going out of town to see family, but later RT would learn that in fact he never left and just didn't think to mention it to her. The shadiness and dishonesty was growing daily. Mac wanted RT to think he was trying to be transparent, so he began letting her check his phone occasionally, with his permission. Each time, there would be some little tidbit of information she would find that would raise her suspicions even more. Once she overheard him talking on the phone with one of his close female friends. The woman referred to him as "honey". Mac said this was just how she spoke. This particular female friend's texts included heart and kissing emojis. She wasn't the only one though. There were texts with multiple females. They were women Mac said he grew up with, women that lived near him, women that he worked with, and women that he was doing work for, etc. None of them were women that RT was allowed to meet, despite multiple promises of doing so "when the time was right." Mac was insistent on keeping his world separate from her. One night, in the middle of the night, RT received a text from Mac about something related to his job, but it ended in love emojis like they would send to each other. He insisted he was half asleep and that the text was meant for RT, even though the content looked like it was meant for a co-worker. Interestingly, Mac once told RT that his ex-wife used to think he was cheating on her with someone from work. Perhaps she was right.
As time went on, whenever RT wanted to talk about something that concerned her, Mac would either get extremely angry, or withdraw, or disappear completely. It seemed he never had any intention of trying to make the relationship work. (Red Flag #5 :Avoidance and anger as a communication tactic to control the situation). His behavior often appeared like that of a child's temper tantrums. Furthermore, there was never an apology for his behavior. He could be sweet and loving and kind one minute, and then the next he would appear out of control. He said that RT was at fault, because she was accusing him of things he was not doing. He blamed RT for his anger. Mac's anger, like most narcissists, was a force to be reckoned with, as his outbursts would occur without warning, in an effort to control the situation and avoid having to talk about anything. One time he threw something off the kitchen counter and it left a hole in the wall. Another time he got angry while driving, and slammed on the brakes in the middle of a 45 mph road. There came a time when RT needed a medical procedure done and she was relying on Mac for help before and after. Unfortunately, the procedure went poorly, and she ended up with doctor's instructions not to be left alone afterwards. Mac refused to stay with her, stating that he was tired of her accusations and done with the relationship. When Mac had angry outbursts, he would blame RT for them, never taking accountability for his own behavior. If he was called out on any of it, a tantrum would ensue. He would walk out on her and then leave RT's texts unread for days, or take days to reply. This behavior of ignoring someone was meant to exert control. Ignoring someone invalidates their feelings and makes them feel invisible. He would take everything to the extreme, blocking her calls and texts when he was angry.
One day, RT found an old phone in Mac's car. (Red Flag #6: Using technology to engage in deceptive behaviors). He said it was so he could access things regarding his divorce, without his ex wife knowing. However, RT found dating apps on Mac's old phone. He said he downloaded dating apps years ago during his marriage, when things were first strained, but insisted he never used them and never even made a profile. However, it was also possible that these apps were current, and he was using them to cheat on RT. In addition, in regards to technology, one weekend RT went out of town with a friend, and came back to find her video doorbell and her internet were hacked. RT was worried about the security of her technology, and she asked Mac to come over that night to help her. (Ironically, prior to her leaving town, he had offered to come by while she was away to help her with internet issues she had been having, although she had declined). Mac refused to come over that night, saying he had other things to do. His behavior surrounding the whole situation seemed odd. When he finally showed up, he demonstrated a complete lack of concern for her well being, and wasn't interested in helping her find a solution to the problem. There were also times prior to that when he would visit her, and he would do something secretly on his phone but not let her see it. He told her each time that he was turning off his wifi so he didn't connect to other people's internet in nearby houses and thereby slow down his phone. (Why would he be connecting to her neighbors' wifi? Or was that just an excuse for something else that was shady that he was doing?) The use of technology in today's world offers a variety of opportunities for dishonesty and manipulation.
There were too many questions, and too many negative events. Mac was suddenly like a tornado in RT's life. RT broke up with Mac on multiple occasions. However, he kept returning, trying to "hoover" her back into his life with repeated love bombing (Red Flag #7: Hoovering is an informal word used to describe when one manipulates another person back into a toxic relationship). Mac had always insisted that once he was done with a relationship he was gone forever. However, he kept coming back, trying to convince RT to give them another chance.
Mac appeared to believe that no matter the topic, he was always correct. He had a haughty, arrogant way of giving the impression that he thought he was better than others, without ever actually coming out and saying so (Red Flag #8: Acting as if one is better than others). RT would notice Mac's arrogant smirk at something she said, or see a smug look cross his face. Mac seemed to think he was always right, and RT was always wrong. The entire time they dated, RT knew in her gut something was very wrong. She knew this from the very beginning, when they first met. She sensed there was more than meets the eye, and used to joke with him that he was a mystery man giving off lots of mixed messages. As time went on, it was clear it was no longer a joking matter, as Mac began to give her the feeling that she was not safe around him (Red flag #9: Your gut instinct is telling you something important). She would get stomach aches and anxiety around him, always wondering what was really going on behind her back.
We all might be wondering, why did RT stay? She happened to be an intelligent, loving, attractive woman, so why would she stick around for all this nonsense? It should be noted that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. Covert narcissists are especially adept at hiding their true intentions. Intermittent reinforcement is a tool used by a narcissist to provide love and support, and then suddenly take it away, only to give it back again. It is a cycle that has similar effects on one's brain as becoming addicted to a drug. Despite all of the toxicity that RT experienced, she still held onto the hope of potential she saw from the beginning, when Mac was so convincingly good to her. Yet, Mac was a chameleon, and underneath his intermittent charming exterior, he was cold hearted and only looking out for himself. As time went on, Mac was cruel to RT much more often than he was kind to her. His transparency decreased daily, and his disrespect grew. Mac likely eventually came to realize that RT would never go back to seeing him the way he wanted her to see him, now that his true colors had shown through. RT's mistake was that she assumed that she was immune to the traumatic effects of his deceitful ways, and that he would not be able to take advantage of her in the ways that he likely did with others. She stayed in the relationship for the time that she did because she was determined to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Mac and RT's relationship did not last all that long, however it was long enough to make an impact. No one can ever win with a narcissist, because they don't participate in or experience relationships like healthy people do. As Olivia Rodrigo tells us in her song Vampire "You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart."
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