As a psychologist, especially one who treats a wide range of anxiety disorders, I often find myself talking to clients about their fear of change. Let's face it, change can be hard for anyone. Yet, it is an integral part of life. At different times throughout the lifespan, change is more salient than others. One of my favorite quotes is "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." If we cannot accept the changes in our lives, and in the world around us, then we may suffer unnecessary negative psychological consequences. Holding on to yesterday and resisting change has never helped anyone grow or progress through life. However, focusing on adapting to life's changes will make the process much more palatable.
Some life transitions are ones we choose, and others happen against our will. Both types can be difficult to navigate. Common examples of life changes include going off to college, navigating the job market, getting married, becoming a parent, going through a breakup or getting divorced, adjusting to a health condition, becoming an empty nester, retiring from a career, becoming a grandparent, or the death of a partner or loved one. Sometimes during periods of change and transition, people feel like they are losing their predictable routine, and the safety of knowing what to expect. Sometimes people are so shaken by change that they feel like they are losing parts of themselves. In essence, they are losing their identity.
Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and the founder of a type of psychotherapy known as logotherapy, wrote "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." His statement summarizes the idea that even in times of extreme difficulty in which we cannot change our circumstances, we can still choose our attitude and responses to a situation. If Frankl could find a way to adjust to such a horrific life change as trying to survive a concentration camp, then there is hope for the rest of us to learn to overcome more typical life obstacles and transitions.
While working with my clients on their fears of change, one of the things I help them focus on is living in the here and now, rather than in the place in their head that houses their worries and potential downfalls. A key to adapting to change is to focus on what you can control, rather than the aspects of a situation that are out of your control. One thing I often teach my clients is how to make sure they are not getting caught up in the What Ifs, but rather focusing on the What Is. So much of life can be simplified into what is true vs. what we are afraid will become true. The What Ifs are all of the possible bad things that can happen, whereas the What Is encompasses only the objective truth of what is actually happening.
Choosing how we decide to respond to life's changes has an impact on our psychological well being. When we don't accept these transitions, we risk experiencing feelings of anxiety, helplessness, depression, stagnation, and lower self worth, to name just a few. Change is inevitable, but our responses to it are within our control. As Thomas Rhett sings: "Ain't it funny how life changes, you wake up, ain't nothing the same and life changes. You can't stop it, just hop on the train and you never know what's gonna happen..." He points out that change can be out of our control, and tells us that we just have to ride it out. Yet, despite all of the uncertainty in life, Rhett's last line reminds us that there is something of value in accepting this fact. He tells us "Life changes, and I wouldn't change it for the world." I agree.
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