There is a common joke among single people on dating apps. When perusing these apps, you will often come across a profile that says "Looking for a new emergency contact." While meant to be humorous, the reality is that it's actually a true statement for a lot of people. As a single woman, without my immediate family nearby, I have often found myself at a doctor's office filling out forms, and having to leave the question about emergency contacts blank. At different times, I have had an out of state family member or a friend listed. Yet, when you are single, there never seems to be a good answer to this question.
When I got diagnosed with cancer in 2013, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. Not immediately, but shortly thereafter. I started off treatment feeling optimistic and strong about attacking this diagnosis head on. I had someone in my corner who was ready to fight for me, and alongside me. Fast forward, and a few arguments later about his disappearing whereabouts while spending time with his female best friend (a woman who he wouldn't allow me to meet), and not surprisingly, our relationship ended. Fighting cancer was one thing; fighting cancer after being left by the person who was my designated "support person" was quite another. (Shortly thereafter, the two of them had a baby together and got married. Yes, the writing was on the wall, I was just too slow to see it). Several years later, I was dating someone else, and whenever I had the required follow up medical testing, he refused to accompany me. One time, after much coaxing, I got him to agree. Between tests, when I came out to check on him, I unexpectedly found him on the phone with a woman, who I later discovered he had been communicating with for a long time behind my back. (Fast forward again, and he and this woman have been living together ever since).
Is the moral of the story don't get cancer because you will get dumped, not just once, but twice? No! That is not the take home message here. I don't tell these stories to sound like a victim. I am not. On the contrary, I am a survivor, in all sense of the word. If nothing else, these experiences taught me how strong I really was...how strong I am. These selfish, cowardly men taught me an invaluable lesson: You only have yourself to rely on. And, surprisingly, that is actually a good thing! These experiences occurred at a time when I truly was alone to fend for myself. My kids were in elementary school at the time, I was busy caring for them, running my psychology practice, and fighting cancer, along with all the other requirements of daily life. I did not have family in town, and my ex husband was not focused on what's referred to as "cooperative coparenting". This time period in my life, more than any other, taught me the true value of self-reliance.
When we start to count on another person for things we can navigate ourselves, we give up a part of our independence. Partnership is good, while co-depedence has its drawbacks. Many clients come to me stating they are in a codependent relationship and want to learn to how to either stop needing so much from their partner, or conversely, to stop being the one to give so much to their partner. It can be hard not to fall into this way of doing things in a relationship. People often refer to their significant other as their "better half" or their "rock." I have had people tell me that together with their spouse they feel they are whole. The well known line from the movie Jerry Maguire highlights this with the phrase "You complete me." However, another person is not the way to feel whole. One needs to feel complete independent of anyone else. Sometimes, a partner subtracts rather than adds to our resilience. If you find yourself struggling with needing to be self reliant, consider these lyrics by Miley Cyrus:
"I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours, say things you don't understand. I can take myself dancing, and I can hold my own hand. Yeah, I can love me better than you can."
If at times, you also find yourself with only yourself to rely on, at the very least, you can feel confident that you are in good hands!
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