ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED... AT THE GYM

There is a book of short essays by Robert Fulghum called "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten."  The first essay in the book has this same title, and it is about how the world would be a better place if adults adhered to the same rules that children learn in kindergarten classrooms.  I thought about this idea this morning while I was working out, and I realized that there are important lessons to be learned at the gym as well.

Let me start by saying that I don't do much exercise.  Working out has never been my thing.  When I was younger and my body could take the stress, I used to enjoy going running.  When I got older, I started going to yoga. Then I got breast cancer and had a difficult time continuing to practice.  Following that, I started walking outside when the weather was agreeable to it.  Now, over the past couple of weeks, I have begun running again, just like I did when I was in my teens and 20's.  I've recently joined a gym and I try to go a couple of times a week.  Let's just say, I am not the kind of girl who goes to the gym.  I don't have the proper workout clothes, I don't watch my diet or my weight, and frankly, I am not a fan of rooms full of sweaty people.  I would prefer a hike in the mountains or a walk along the beach any day.  However, recently I decided it was time  to focus on my physical well-being, and I found my way back to running.  I'm up to four miles now, and I'm looking forward to when spring comes and I can take my running outside.  I know for many people four miles might not be a lot, but for me, four miles is comparable to having run a marathon.  (Ok, not quite, but you get where I'm coming from, right?)  I'm pleased to say that the feeling of accomplishment that I get when I run is worth the effort.  Similarly, the opportunity to free my mind and body and push it in new ways is rewarding.  The following are ten simple life lessons which illustrate the notion that, all I really need to know I learned at the gym.

1.  A smile and a positive attitude go a long way.
   
Whether it's the gym employee that greets me on the way in, or the person using the machine next to me, a nice friendly smile or greeting can make the difference between a good day or a bad one.  Use this in your daily life to make a difference.  Whether it be at the workplace or in your home, a smile and a positive attitude impacts those around you.

2. Consideration for others is a necessity.

Wiping down the equipment after you've used it shows respect and consideration for your fellow gym members.  It's really no different than the kindness we show strangers when we hold open a door for them or offer that they go in front of us in line.  Do unto others as you would have done to you.  The gym is like its own little microcosm, where respect for others is a requirement for a well-functioning society.

3.  If you think you can, you will.  If you tell yourself you can't, you won't.

It's simple.  When I'm on the treadmill and I'm saying I 'm tired and I don't know if i can keep going, I   stop.  Yet, when I push myself to think about achieving my goal and how I am capable of doing it, I do it.  The same applies to anything in life.  Tell yourself all the positive reasons why you are going to succeed.  Imagine succeeding.  Don't start rattling off in your head the obstacles in front of you.  Instead, think of all the reasons you'll achieve your goal. Where there's a will there's a way.  Find it.

4.  Move to the beat of your own drum.

It doesn't matter if everyone else is listening to their iPods while you run with only the music that plays in your head.  It doesn't matter if the woman next to you is running six miles to your one mile.  Everyone is different.  You are only in competition with yourself.  At the gym, or in life, you only have to try to be better than the you that you were yesterday.

5. It's ok to ask for help when you need it.

My first day at the gym I had to stop and ask someone how to use the treadmill.  Seriously.  I wasn't sure how to keep it to its basic functions, with all the fancy buttons and programs available these days.  Likewise, if you run into a hurdle in life, theres no shame in asking for some support or guidance.

6.  There is a fine balance between social time and time for oneself.

Do you ever notice how some people go to workout with a friend, while others consistently do their  exercising alone? What about when you are working out and someone comes over and wants to chat? You'd like to be friendly, yet you're having a hard enough time breathing to be able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation.  Make time for socializing and make time for yourself.  Both are necessary. Both are valuable.  And as far as I can tell, it's tough to simultaneously socialize and take time for yourself, and then fully reap the benefits of either.

7.  Mix it up.

Doing the same thing over and over again is boring, both at the gym and in life.  Add some variety to both, and you'll be a lot happier.

8.  No one else can do it for you.

Whether it's lifting weights and using the elliptical, or whether it's starting a new career or relationship, only you can make it happen.  So get out there and do it.

9.  When you think you can't take any more, you can.

When your muscles feel sore, or when you think you can't juggle anymore stress in life, know that you probably can go a little further.  Whatever life hands you, you are capable of getting through it. Take a deep breath, think about how to get through it, and forge ahead.  Don't give up.

10.  You get out of it what you put into it.

Time spent at the gym is like time spent living your life.  The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. If you're going to bother going to the gym at all, don't half-ass your workout.  It was hard enough to wake yourself up, put on workout clothes, and get there.  More importantly, don't half-ass your way through life.  You only live once.  It might feel like a quick sprint, or it might feel like a marathon.  No matter what, make every step count!

I'LL HAVE MY (BIRTHDAY) CAKE, AND EAT IT TOO!

This weekend I will be turning 42.  Unlike many people, I don't dread the idea of turning another year older.  I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday this weekend, on Friday night with my boyfriend, on Saturday night with my friends, and on Sunday with my kids.  However, my social plans are not the reason I look forward to my birthday.

To me, turning another year older means I've accomplished something.  I've lived another year.  I've survived another year.  I've parented my kids for another year, dealt with all kinds of bullshit for another year, been there for my friends and my clients another year, and have beat cancer for another year.  Having a birthday doesn't mean I'm getting old and closer to the end of life.  It doesn't mean I'm slower than I was, or have more wrinkles or grey hair.  It means I've been successful in navigating the ups and downs of life for yet another year.  A birthday is not something that I fear, but rather something that I cherish, because quite simply, it means I've gotten to live another year.

One Republic released a song in 2013 called "I lived".  Below are some lyrics from the song:

"I...I did it all, I...I did it all,
I owned every second that this world could give.
I saw so many places, the things that I did.
Yeah with every broken bone, I swear I lived.
Hope that you spend your days,
But they all add up.
And when that sun goes down,
Hope you raise your cup."

This song is a reminder to me that we should embrace and savor every moment that we experience, good or bad.  It is a reminder to appreciate all that life has to offer.  It emphasizes the idea of living your life to the fullest and not backing down or away from it, because at the end, it will have all been worth it.  I like to remind myself on every birthday just how much I have to be grateful for, and how much I have accomplished.

There is a quote by baseball player Satchel Paige that says,  "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"  This is a worthwhile question to consider.  I'm told I don't look 42.  I certainly don't feel 42.  I'm not quite sure how old I do feel.  I've lived a lot of life.  I've experienced a lot of things, some better than others.  I've had to face obstacles, yet I've known pure joy.  I am grateful that I have been able to experience the world in the way that I have.  I am even thankful for the hard times that have come along, because they have helped me to appreciate the good ones even more.  I don't know how old I would be if I didn't know how old I was...yet, I know that I am happy to be whatever age I am!

There's a saying that you can't have your cake and eat it too.  Some people feel that they can't be happy about a birthday because it means they are aging.  They can't have one without the other.  However, acknowledging my birthday as an accomplishment  rather than a disappointment, no matter how old I get, is my version of having my cake and eating it too (especially if it's a chocolate birthday cake!).  So, when your birthday comes along, blow out your candles with enthusiasm, reflect on all you have experienced, and then go ahead and have your cake, and eat it too!

THE SUPERHERO WITHIN

As a child, I was never really interested in superheroes.  My only participation with anything related to superheroes was my special handshake with my sister.  It came from The Wonder Twins from the show Super Friends.  The Wonder Twins were a brother and sister duo who were superheroes-in-training.  Their powers were activated when they touched each other and said "Wonder Twin power activate!"  My sister and I would alter this phrase to say "Sister power activate!" To this day, when something happens and we need to feel that bond, we remember those words from our childhood.   Now that I am an adult, the topic of superheroes is primarily relegated to conversations with my own children.  Last year for Halloween, my daughter dressed up as SuperGirl and I dressed as SuperMom. We made a good superhero team, and it was also a way for us to feel close and connected, just as my sister and I would always try to do.  

This past summer, a song was released by The Script entitled Superheroes.  Here are some of the lyrics from that song:

"When you've been fighting for it all your life,
You've been struggling to make things right.
That's how a superhero learns to fly,
Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power.

All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry.
When the moment is just right,
You'll see fire in their eyes.
Cause he's stronger than you know,
A heart of steel starts to grow."

These lyrics are a reminder of how overcoming obstacles leads to strength and empowerment.  I will gladly admit, I am not a superhero.  Although, in my daily life I sometimes feel I'm expected to be one.  I have obligations to my children, my family, my friends, and my clients.  Sometimes I wish I did have super powers to juggle it all effortlessly.  While I may not be able to fly, or be invisible, or have x-ray vision, I do try my best to face challenges head on, with courage and confidence, just like you would expect any superhero to do.  I am proud of my accomplishments.  Yet, I am human.  I am not perfect. At times I struggle, and at times I make mistakes.  I've been through many life challenges and I believe I have come out on the other side...stronger, wiser, and more appreciative of the life that I lead.

As a psychologist, I spend my days showing compassion and trying to provide guidance for the struggles that my clients face in their own lives.  I try to help them to be their own superhero in the story of their life.  A good example of how I view my clients comes from Christopher Reeve, who stated, "A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."  So, when the road of life gets rocky, go ahead and find your inner superhero.  Stand tall and face the problem with whatever mortal powers you possess. You are stronger than you know.  While you're at it, go ahead and tell those you care about how proud you are of their strength and perseverance as well.  Like the Wonder Twins characters, we need to stick together and support each other to make the tough times easier.

"She's got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul,
He's got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control.
Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow.
Now light a match, stand back, and watch them explode."

 As the lyrics above suggest, the more adversity we face, the stronger our power within us becomes.  It's just a matter of finding the spark that ignites our inner superhero.  And then, watch out, because anything is possible!

A BRIDGE BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

A few nights ago, I went to see a well-known spiritual medium who was in town speaking to a large auditorium of people.  I have never been to see a medium before, and up until the past year, never really gave much thought to anything related to the spiritual world or what happens after death.  However, since my mother's passing a year ago, followed by my aunt's death soon after, I've thought more about these issues than I ever did previously. Therefore, when I heard the medium was coming into town I decided to see for myself what it was all about.

Besides being interested in this topic because of my own personal loss, I also have many clients that attend therapy because they are grieving.  Some of these clients are children and some are adults, but regardless of their age, they all have one thing in common.  Everyone seems to be looking for some sort of peace.  As I sat in the audience the other night at the event, I was moved by some of the stories of loss that I heard.  I was also impressed, and at times astonished, at how the medium was able to provide valuable information to the loved ones of the deceased. Her words not only gave clarity for the audience, but also seemed to provide much comfort to those to whom she transmitted spiritual messages.

After leaving the event, one thing that continued to stay on my mind is the idea of loved ones wanting to have some sort of closure, as well as the feelings of regret for not having had the opportunity to say their goodbyes.  If you've read earlier blog entries of mine, you may recall the one entitled "If Today Was Your Last Day", which addresses the issue of not knowing when our last day will come, or our loved ones' last day, and trying to make the most of life while we can.  For example. we should try to make sure that the people in our lives know their importance to us.  With this in mind,  I often make a point of telling my children that I love them every single day, and often multiple times a day.  Since I only have them with me fifty percent of the time, I always make sure that I speak to them on days I don't see them.  I have learned the hard way that you never know when it may be your last chance to tell someone how you feel or to say goodbye.  I have discussed this in other blog entries as well, but I believe it is always worth repeating.  If we live a life of true connection to others, then whenever the end of life comes, we will be ready to embrace it, and to let go.

As I sat in the auditorium and listened to everyone who wanted closure regarding their loss,  and wanted the comfort of knowing that their dearly departed were at peace,  I considered the message we all have been told in multiple ways throughout our lives.  As Emily Dickinson wrote, "Unable are the loved to die.  For love is immortality."  This, of course, leads me to the whole point of this blog entry. Our loved ones stay with us even after they are gone.  They are in our hearts, and on our minds, and therefore never too far away.  Whether or not you believe in their spirit being available to you, or whether you believe they simply live on in memory, the idea is still the same.  There exists a bridge between two worlds.  You and I, and all the other living people, are the bridge between life and those we have lost.  Don't forget those that have passed on.  Honor their memory in whatever way you see fit.  In addition, while you're still here on earth, don't wait to live the life you want.  Don't wait to let others know how you feel. Do it now.  Today is a gift, and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  Although it irks me to have to quote him, John Mayer said it well in the lyrics: "Say what you need to say. It's better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again."  Even if you missed your chance to tell a loved one how you feel, and they are no longer alive, you can still let them know what's in your heart.  They might be listening after all.  

ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

Every day, I work with children, adolescents, and adults who feel left out of their social circles.  They tell me how challenging it is to maintain friendships or relationships, and how alone they often feel.  This isn't unique to my clients.  Everyone, at some time or another, knows what it feels like to be an outsider.  Whether it is a child wanting to fit in with the "popular" group, or an adult wishing their friendship or romantic relationship would work out differently, the feeling of rejection or exclusion is universal.

There is a song by Jordan Pruitt called Outside Looking In.  It includes the following lyrics:

You don't know how it feels, to be outside the crowd.
You don't know what it's like, to be left out.
And you don't know how it feels, to be your own best friend
On the outside looking in.
If you could read my mind, you might see more of me than meets the eye.
And you've been all wrong, Not who you think I am.
You've never given me a chance.

These lyrics resonate with me on so many levels.  I can think back to when I was in grade school, and remember specific incidents where I felt excluded from a group.  Alternatively, I can see it with my own children and their peers, and all of the relational aggression that occurs within friendships.  As an adult, I still can relate to it, whether it be a friend leaving me out, or people that judge me without really knowing me or what I'm about.  I believe these lyrics are something everyone can relate to in some way.

Sometimes, the phrase "on the outside looking in" can have other meanings, besides about exclusion.  For example, my clients often tell me that they feel they have wonderful lives...if you were to be looking from the outside.  They acknowledge that they are fortunate to have good things in their world, whether that be financial security, meaningful relationships with family and friends, a career they enjoy, etc.  They tell me that other people don't think they really have a "reason" to be unhappy, or anxious, or fill-in-the-blank with any other psychological symptom. However, they feel they are struggling on the inside.  I tell them that just because the pieces of the puzzle are all there, it doesn't mean that they are fitting together in the best way possible.  Perhaps there are more pieces that need to be included, or the pieces that exist need to be rearranged, or perhaps recognized as being an important part of the whole. Whatever the case, it usually means something has to change, whether that be an attitude, a thought process, a behavior, or actual life changes.   More often than not, I find that feeling on the outside of something (such as distance in a marriage or feeling left out at work) is the cause of much of my clients'  unhappiness.

Even though we grow up to become adults who can be anyone we want to be, we still carry with us the pressures of childhood and fears of not fitting in.  Even though there is a whole world out there, with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds, as adults, we still sometimes tend to live within the microcosm of high school mentality. Maybe it's not as evident as it was in grade school, but as adults, cliques still abound.  What I find in my work with my clients is that whether they are elementary school students, middle school students, high school students, college students, or fully grown adults in the work force, the need to belong and feel valued just doesn't seem to go away.

When I got diagnosed with cancer, and I was wishing I had family in town, or a husband to help me though it, I had a friend tell me that I was not alone.  My friend reassured me that there were people out there in the world praying for me, people I didn't even know that were fighting for me.  Those words (whether they were true or not) really affected me, and even as I sit here now writing them, they bring tears to my eyes.  As Michael Jackson's song lyrics state, "You are not alone.  I am here with you.  Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart.  You are not alone."  When life gets tough, and you feel alone, remember that there are  people out there that care about you. If you are reading this blog, even though we may never have met, know that I am one of those people.  You don't have to feel you are on the outside looking in. You don't have to feel left out.  You don't have to feel like you are "supposed" to be anyone except exactly who you really are.

FORGIVE, FORGET, MOVE FORWARD

These days, I do not consider myself a very religious person.  However, for a slight change of pace, this blog refers to my religion.  In the Jewish religion, the ten days between the holiday of Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and the holiday of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) marks the time when Jews reflect on their transgressions and atone for their sins.  This past week welcomed in the new year, and this coming weekend begins the holiday of Yom Kippur.  Therefore, I thought it was the perfect time to write a blog about forgiveness.

This Rosh Hashanah, my children and I had a discussion about what we are sorry for and what we will try to do better this year.  They said things like, "I'll be a better listener" and "I'll be more respectful."  I said I would have more patience and try not to raise my voice to them.  It was a nice discussion that I felt addressed all of our concerns.  As I look back over the past year, I have been through a lot.  Yet, I always felt like I continued to try to look out for others' well being, despite my own challenging circumstances. I recognize there were probably times that I could have done better.  I am only human.  I make mistakes.  I can only juggle so much. All I can do is apologize for those mistakes, and try to do better the next time.  So, if by some chance I have hurt your feelings in any way, (be you a friend, family member, or even a stranger), I am truly sorry.

The phrase forgive and forget is an interesting one.  People don't really forget the times they feel they were wronged.  They tuck it away in their memory, but sometimes, it resurfaces.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a more conscious choice.  It takes effort and awareness to recognize that people make mistakes, and then try to accept it and move forward.  I tend to think of myself as a very forgiving person.  When someone has wronged me in some way, I have a choice.  I can hold on to that hurt and anger, or I can try to understand it, and then let it go. I don't believe I hold grudges.  I don't become vengeful.  I try to understand others' perspectives so that I may accept situations and move forward, rather than being stuck in negative emotions.  Of course, as I mentioned before, I am only human.  I am not perfect.  These are my goals and aspirations.

It is a valuable skill to be able to accept someone's apology and clear your heart and mind to move forward.  Yet, don't forgive someone for their sake.  Forgive them for your own.  Holding on to anger only causes more difficulties. Keeping grudges can cause physical and psychological harm to oneself.  I've always believed that I live my life in such a way that every day is a clean slate. Every day is a fresh start. It is a new opportunity for me to do better, and a new opportunity to accept others' mistakes as well.  No one knows what tomorrow brings.  Live each day in such a way that, if it were your last, you would die feeling good about the choices you made and the way you treated others. I don't have to tell you about the value of life.  Many of you know from your own experiences that life is fragile.  Life is precious.  Life is fleeting.  So, let's live it with love and forgiveness, rather than hurt, anger, or resentment.  As Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Be strong.  Forgive those who you feel have wronged you.  Forgiveness brings peace.

As we move through the next year, whether secular or religious, let us all remember what Einstein said.  "Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance you must keep moving." No matter what comes your way, keep moving.  If you have made mistakes, apologize and keep moving.  If you have been wronged, forgive and keep moving.  For those of you who celebrate this holiday, happy new year! Forgive, forget, and move forward!

525,600 MINUTES

If you've been reading my blog lately, you may have noticed that I've been writing a lot about the passage of time.  My blogs have described looking at the past, looking ahead to the future, as well as acknowledging important milestones in my life.  Today is another milestone for me.  Today is the one year anniversary of my breast cancer surgery.  In some ways, it seems like it has been longer than a year, and in other ways it seems like it just happened yesterday.  In any case, I am happy to be able to say that, a year later, I am doing well and looking forward to many healthy and happy years ahead of me.

All things considered, I had a pretty easy fight against cancer (if being diagnosed with cancer can ever be considered easy.)  I was fortunate that it was caught early and that it was small and had not spread.  Sometimes I wonder, as I've mentioned before, if this was just the opening act, and that some day there will be another cancer scene in the story of my life.  I know that I'm not alone in that feeling.  Many other women who have battled breast cancer have that same nagging worry.  Yet, I am optimistic that this will not occur, and that even if it did, I would get through it and be fine.  I've learned a lot in the past year about my own inner strength, as well as the importance of social support.

There is a song from the musical Rent called Seasons of Love which speaks to the passage of time over one year in life.  It includes the following lyrics:

525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?
How about love?

Recently, I attended a funeral in which friends of the deceased sang this song at the start of the service.  It seemed like the perfect addition to the rest of the service.  It captured the importance of all of the little moments in life that mark the passage of time.  How does one measure a year? The song suggests measuring it in love.  The fact that this song was included in the service highlights how much love this person had from those around her, through her healthy times, and through the times of her illness.

As I think about my own life over the past year, a few things have changed in my life, and many have stayed the same.  Yet, whether changes occurred in my relationships, or my career, or my family, or any other aspect in life, there is one thing that has changed for certain.  Me.  I'm a different person in some ways than I was a year ago.  My experiences, both good and bad, have changed who I am, and how I live my life.  In addition, I believe that having had a cancer diagnosis, and learning about and going through treatment, has made me a better psychologist. It has also made me a better mother, friend, and relative.  It has allowed me to understand things about myself and others that perhaps I did not understand as well before.  There have been ups and down and pain and loss, of course, but there has also been joy and strength.

Thank you to those of you have who traveled alongside me on my journey this past year, whether it was to offer friendship, or support, or to teach me something about life, or about myself.  As the song states, "It's time now, to sing out, though the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends."  Today, on my surgery anniversary, I ask all of you to celebrate life, celebrate your friends and loved ones, and most importantly, celebrate you.  You have 525, 600 minutes in a year.  Make the most of every one of them!