WHY IT *REALLY* IS OK THAT YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO RELY ON

There is a common joke among single people on dating apps. When perusing these apps, you will often come across a profile that says "Looking for a new emergency contact." While meant to be humorous, the reality is that it's actually a true statement for a lot of people.  As a single woman, without my immediate family nearby, I have often found myself at a doctor's office filling out forms, and having to leave the question about emergency contacts blank. At different times, I have had an out of state family member or a friend listed.  Yet, when you are single, there never seems to be a good answer to this question.    

When I got diagnosed with cancer in 2013, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. Not immediately, but shortly thereafter. I started off treatment feeling optimistic and strong about attacking this diagnosis head on.  I had someone in my corner who was ready to fight for me, and alongside me. Fast forward, and a few arguments later about his disappearing whereabouts while spending time with his female best friend (a woman who he wouldn't allow me to meet), and not surprisingly, our relationship ended.  Fighting cancer was one thing; fighting cancer after being left by the person who was my designated "support person" was quite another.  (Shortly thereafter, the two of them had a baby together and got married. Yes, the writing was on the wall, I was just too slow to see it). Several years later, I was dating someone else, and whenever I had the required follow up medical testing, he refused to accompany me.  One time, after much coaxing, I got him to agree. Between tests, when I came out to check on him, I unexpectedly found him on the phone with a woman, who I later discovered he had been communicating with for a long time behind my back. (Fast forward again, and he and this woman have been living together ever since).  

Is the moral of the story don't get cancer because you will get dumped, not just once, but twice? No! That is not the take home message here.  I don't tell these stories to sound like a victim.  I am not.  On the contrary, I am a survivor, in all sense of the word.  If nothing else, these experiences taught me how strong I really was...how strong I am.  These selfish, cowardly men taught me an invaluable lesson: You only have yourself to rely on.  And, surprisingly, that is actually a good thing! These experiences occurred at a time when I truly was alone to fend for myself.  My kids were in elementary school at the time, I was busy caring for them, running my psychology practice, and fighting cancer, along with all the other requirements of daily life.  I did not have family in town, and my ex husband was not focused on what's referred to as "cooperative coparenting". This time period in my life, more than any other, taught me the true value of self-reliance.  

When we start to count on another person for things we can navigate ourselves, we give up a part of our independence. Partnership is good, while co-depedence has its drawbacks.  Many clients come to me stating they are in a codependent relationship and want to learn to how to either stop needing so much from their partner, or conversely, to stop being the one to give so much to their partner. It can be hard not to fall into this way of doing things in a relationship. People often refer to their significant other as their "better half" or their "rock." I have had people tell me that together with their spouse they feel they are whole.  The well known line from the movie Jerry Maguire highlights this with the phrase "You complete me." However, another person is not the way to feel whole.  One needs to feel complete independent of anyone else.  Sometimes, a partner subtracts rather than adds to our resilience.  If you find yourself struggling with needing to be self reliant, consider these lyrics by Miley Cyrus:

"I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours, say things you don't understand. I can take myself dancing, and I can hold my own hand. Yeah, I can love me better than you can." 

If at times, you also find yourself with only yourself to rely on, at the very least, you can feel confident that you are in good hands! 

THE FEAR OF CHANGE

As a psychologist, especially one who treats a wide range of anxiety disorders, I often find myself talking to clients about their fear of change. Let's face it, change can be hard for anyone. Yet, it is an integral part of life. At different times throughout the lifespan, change is more salient than others.  One of my favorite quotes is "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."  If we cannot accept the changes in our lives, and in the world around us, then we may suffer unnecessary negative psychological consequences. Holding on to yesterday and resisting change has never helped anyone grow or progress through life. However, focusing on adapting to life's changes will make the process much more palatable. 

Some life transitions are ones we choose, and others happen against our will. Both types can be difficult to navigate. Common examples of life changes include going off to college, navigating the job market, getting married, becoming a parent, going through a breakup or getting divorced, adjusting to a health condition, becoming an empty nester, retiring from a career, becoming a grandparent, or the death of a partner or loved one.  Sometimes during periods of change and transition, people feel like they are losing their predictable routine, and the safety of knowing what to expect.  Sometimes people are so shaken by change that they feel like they are losing parts of themselves. In essence, they are losing their identity. 

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and the founder of a type of psychotherapy known as logotherapy, wrote "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." His statement summarizes the idea that even in times of extreme difficulty in which we cannot change our circumstances, we can still choose our attitude and responses to a situation.  If Frankl could find a way to adjust to such a horrific life change as trying to survive a concentration camp, then there is hope for the rest of us to learn to overcome more typical life obstacles and transitions. 

While working with my clients on their fears of change, one of the things I help them focus on is living in the here and now, rather than in the place in their head that houses their worries and potential downfalls. A key to adapting to change is to focus on what you can control, rather than the aspects of a situation that are out of your control.  One thing I often teach my clients is how to make sure they are not getting caught up in the What Ifs, but rather focusing on the What Is. So much of life can be simplified into what is true vs. what we are afraid will become true. The What Ifs are all of the possible bad things that can happen, whereas the What Is encompasses only the objective truth of what is actually happening.  

Choosing how we decide to respond to life's changes has an impact on our psychological well being.  When we don't accept these transitions, we risk experiencing feelings of anxiety, helplessness, depression, stagnation, and lower self worth, to name just a few. Change is inevitable, but our responses to it are within our control. As Thomas Rhett sings: "Ain't it funny how life changes, you wake up, ain't nothing the same and life changes. You can't stop it, just hop on the train and you never know what's gonna happen..." He points out that change can be out of our control, and tells us that we just have to ride it out. Yet, despite all of the uncertainty in life, Rhett's last line reminds us that there is something of value in accepting this fact. He tells us "Life changes, and I wouldn't change it for the world." I agree. 

GAIN FROM LOSS: FINDING THE SILVER LINING

Lately it seems as though many of my clients are dealing with all kinds of grief and loss.  Whether that be the death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, pregnancy loss, termination from a job, navigating divorce, or even loss of a sense of safety in the world, there are billions of people who are struggling to get through all kinds of devastating circumstances.  Sometimes, loss is not about the absence of something in our personal world or the world around us, but rather an emptiness inside us. This could be due to the loss of one's physical capacities, cognitive abilities, or even the loss of a time in life that brought more joy or security.  Regardless of the type of loss we may face, the toll it takes is often indescribable. Yet, in all of the misery, there are moments of clarity and strength that would not have otherwise been acquired. Rather than describe my clients' experiences, I will give some personal examples from my own life, in hopes that someone reading this will benefit from the viewpoints expressed here.   

Last week, I was driving around doing errands, and passed different areas where I lived while raising my children.  It got me thinking about the loss of a place and a time, and never being able to relive or redo certain moments in our lives. For example, years ago, when my then-husband filed for divorce while my kids were essentially still babies, I was somewhat blindsided to say the least.  We had experienced a lot of conflict in our marriage, as two people do who have very different views of parenting, and of the world in general.  I knew divorce was ultimately in my best interest, but it was not something for which I was prepared. Occasionally, I have thought about the biggest disappointment of my divorce, which was not the dissolution of my marriage, but rather the loss related to not having a true partner in raising children together.  At present time, my kids are no longer kids, and my divorce seems like a lifetime ago.  However, driving past all of the places where I raised my children, I felt a momentary loss. It was a sudden and unexpected reminder of the challenges that came with single parenting, as well as how quickly time passes. However, I am proud of myself for how I navigated single parenting and divorced life with little kids.  It reminds me of how courageous, fun, patient, and strong I was at that time.  

A few years after my divorce, my mother died unexpectedly. Two months after that, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The timing of all of it was unfortunate.  However, I was fortunate that I was able to see my mother the day she died, as my parents were in town to see my kids.  I was also fortunate to need minimal cancer treatment (in comparison to what some people have to go through), and I am beyond grateful that the cancer never returned. Yet, there was still loss involved.  The loss was about no longer living a life in which I didn't have to think about my health or my mortality. At 40, I was focused on raising two young children. I was busy with my psychology practice, and trying to navigate treatment, work, and my parenting time alone. I feel proud of how well I handled such a difficult time, especially since I had no family in the area. Sometimes I think about the ex-boyfriend who broke up with me during that time (he is now married to his female friend for whom he left me.) That was a relationship loss that multiplied the grief and loss of my health.  A handful of years later, I had a follow up biopsy that went poorly (but fortunately was benign), which required me not to be left alone afterward. Instead of my boyfriend at that time being there for me, he broke up with me a few hours after the procedure.  Sometimes loss is about losing our sense of safety, our security, our trust in others, and often, our trust in ourselves.  I will say, after the experiences described above, I was able to come out stronger, and learned (albeit the hard way) how to trust my gut instincts, my own strength and capabilities, and to become a better judge of character.  Consequently, I have become very adept at helping others do the same.  

Fast forward to this past weekend, in which my adult son was flying home from vacation when he got caught in a terrible thunderstorm.  Tornadoes had touched down in a different part of the state, killing people and destroying homes.  I was worried because his plane was supposed to land during all of this, and I checked the flight that he was on. The only information I could find was that the plane was diverted.  It did not say to where, and there was no tracking of the flight's location. I lay awake all night thinking it was possible that my son was lost to the skies. Thoughts about a young person's life ending too soon, as so many parents unfortunately have to endure, is gut wrenching. I am grateful that my son's plane was diverted to an airport in another state, and then eventually he was able to return home.  I know far too many people who have lost children to terminal illness, accidents, suicide, and other unimaginable tragedies. I have seen parents who have been devastated by a child's death, but who are somehow able to find a greater purpose following the loss. It is this purpose that allows them to keep moving forward in life.  

Of all the obstacles humans face, grief and loss can be one of the most challenging, and which substantially detracts from finding the positive in life. Surprisingly, however, loss can also add something to our lives.  Loss shows us how valuable our friends and family are, and how meaningful human connection can be.  It shows us how strong we are during times when we only have ourselves to rely on.  It teaches us how to navigate an often grueling world, and to not give up when things get difficult.  Loss teaches us who we can count on, and who is wasting our time and energy. Loss allows us to grow and change and adapt. Most importantly, loss paves the way for gratitude for what we do have, so that we don't lose sight of what matters most.  It teaches us not to sweat the small stuff. The reality is that loss could not exist if we did not have others in our lives who make it more meaningful and rewarding.  As the following quote tells us (attributed to Queen Elizabeth II, who adapted it from a passage in a book by Dr. Colin Murray Parkes), "Grief is the price we pay for love."  I could not agree more.  

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW...I LEARNED IN ONE WEEK

Over the past decade, I have written several blog posts which have titles that emulate the famous book "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." That book was first published in 1986 and is a collection of short essays by Robert Fulgham. Examples of similar titles of my blog posts have included "All I Really Need To Know I Learned At the Gym" and "Life Lessons From Travel Baseball". The basis of these blog posts have been that we can learn much about life, human behavior, and relationships just by participating in the world around us.  Today's blog "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In One Week" may duplicate some of these learned lessons, but I believe they are always worth repeating. Here are seven life lessons that I accumulated during the seven days of my recent travel abroad. 

This summer I traveled to Italy with my oldest child, a recent college graduate.  We spent a week there, with the goal of celebrating this special milestone.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for both of us.  As one might expect, our adventure did not always go smoothly, and we encountered a handful of obstacles along the way. Although we were only away from home for one week, I could not help but be reminded of some basic insights into how to make the most out of our everyday lives.  

1. How You Treat People Matters.  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." This quote by Maya Angelou resonates with my experience traveling abroad. While in Italy, we encountered several challenges that highlighted this idea that regardless of what people say or do, they either leave you with a good feeling or a bad one. When it comes to how we reflect upon something later, the overall emotional experience may be more important than the specific events that took place.  At times, there were people we encountered on our trip that were not so nice to us. Perhaps they were irritated with our lack of knowledge of their language, or maybe they were just frustrated in general that they could not communicate with us.  However, there were also people that helped us along the way, even though it presented challenges for them, and these kind humans will forever stay in my mind.  For example, the man that worked at our hotel in Rome who found us a local hospital emergency room, and then ordered us a taxi, was considerate and reassuring in our time of need.  The doctor who was the only one at the hospital who spoke enough English for us to understand what was happening (with some help from Google Translate) allowed us to be able to ask questions.  Likewise, we will always be grateful to the young European couple who went out of their way for us when we were lost in Venice, in order to help us locate a water taxi to get to our hotel when no one else could.  These individuals are going to be etched in my mind, perhaps more so than our experiences themselves, because when we needed help they showed us kindness and compassion and patience. 

2. The Only Way To Grow Is To Leave Your Comfort Zone.  You cannot evolve if you don't change your surroundings once in awhile.  It is not always an easy thing to do. For example, I had not been on an international flight in years.  I'll be honest, I was not looking forward to a nine or ten hour flight there, and longer on the way back, including a layover.  However, sometimes you have to leave what you know behind in order to discover what you don't know.  As Tony Robbins said "All growth starts at the end of your comfort zone." Until you are ready to try something new, you will always be standing in the same place.  There is nothing like traveling to another country (or even to a city next to your own one) to gain a fresh perspective on life.  

3. Things Can Always Be Worse. (And You Should Appreciate And Be Grateful For All Of The Ways In Which Things Go Right.) On our return flight home, we had an issue with our connecting flight from Atlanta to Detroit due to our flight from Italy departing late.  However, after racing to the gate in Atlanta, and pleading with the airport staff to let us on after we were automatically rebooked on a flight three hours later, we were lucky enough to get to go standby on our original flight.  Objectively, had we been stuck waiting another three hours for a flight, we would have been fine, but we were ready to get home. The most important thing was that we made it to Italy and back safely.  In the big picture, nothing else really matters does it? Sometimes it can be helpful to consider the ways things go right rather than how they have gone wrong.  For example, (and sorry for the squeamish ones out there), a little boy vomited all over right next to me while we were stuck standing in the storm-flooded, crowded streets of Venice (which increased its impact on those around him due to all the puddles). I watched it all as if in slow motion, but I was grateful he didn't actually vomit on me. (I did feel very badly for him, he looked so upset, as did his parents.) 

4. You Are Not The Center Of The Universe.  Americans, for a variety of reasons which we won't discuss here, are not always viewed in a positive light when visiting other countries.  On our vacation, there were times where we would sit and watch people, and it became clear to us what some of those reasons might be.  In fact, the famous saying "When in Rome" which has been shortened from "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" has great significance. Adjust your behavior to fit your surroundings. Be respectful, observe cultural norms, and remember that just because you do things a certain way, does not mean that it is the right way, especially in a different context or environment. 

5. You Are Never Really Lost, As Long As You Don't Give Up.  If you find yourself lost in the crowded streets of a major city in a foreign country, just know that you will find your way.  It might take hours, but it will happen. You will arrive at your destination eventually.  Thirty years ago, when I lived in another country for six months while in college, there were no cell phones, or google translate, or Uber apps.  I once got lost for hours in the crowded streets of a foreign country because nobody could understand my  English when I tried to find my way to my youth hostel. As I have described above, I had a similar experience being lost a few weeks ago while traveling in Italy with my daughter.  Yet, in 2025, there are so many ways that modern technology is able to help us find our way. Moreover, the idea that, you are never really lost as long as you don't give up, can have additional meaning in all aspects of life, and it is one worth thinking about further.  

6.. Experience Is More Valuable Than Things.  Memories, rather than material possessions, are what add to the richness of life.  I truly hope that one day, when my daughter looks back on our trip, that she thinks about how we both got to experience a once in a lifetimes adventure together. I know I have been changed by both the positive and negative experiences we had while traveling.  There were many obstacles along the way, and even many difficult times in which we didn't get along, but there were also life experiences that we shared together that we would not have gotten had we not taken this trip.  

7. No Matter Where You Go In The World, Human Beings Are More Similar Than Different. Whether in an emergency room, an airport, or walking along a crowded street, wherever you are in the world, there will always be similarities in human behavior.  For example, as we sat in the hospital for hours, I couldn't help but look around and see what others were doing. From what I could tell, nobody spoke English in the ER, not the staff nor the patients. Yet, it was easy to pick up on nonverbal cues about what was happening in this group of stranger's lives. For example, it was easy to understand the emotions of the woman who was pacing around, holding the side of her stomach and looking like she was in pain. There were young adults animatedly looking at their phones and whispering.  There was a policeman who came in to question some teenagers. There was an elderly woman on a gurney who seemed very scared and didn't really seem to know where she was. It really doesn't matter where you are in the world, if you are human, there are certain fundamental emotions and behaviors that connect people and create shared experience.  Likewise, a few days later when I asked a young Italian couple sitting next to me on the four and a half hour train ride about how to lock the bathroom door (it was very high tech!) they may have only spoken a bit of English, but they completely understood my concerns and embarrassment about having been walked in on earlier.  Pain, fear, embarrassment, hope...these human emotions are what connects us all, regardless of who we are or where we live. 

In summary, all I really need to know I learned in one week while traveling abroad.  Whether or not I am ever fortunate enough to make that trip again, or even a similar one, I know that I will always remember these lessons, and the individuals that I encountered along the journey.  I believe that these seven reminders gathered from my seven days of travel are helpful ways to approach life, and are applicable no matter what challenges we face, or where we are in the world.  

THERE IS A LOT OF PEE IN THE DATING POOL...AND SOME OF US CAN'T SWIM

Perhaps the title of this blog post catches you by surprise.  Perhaps it sounds inappropriately sarcastic, or even confusing. Or perhaps, it gives you a small chuckle, as it resonates in some way with your own experiences. Whatever way you view it, I believe it adequately speaks to many people's perception of the current state of dating. Yet, despite the bad rap that dating gets in 2025, there are still some positive things to consider. However, let's first take a closer look at the negative side.  

"There is a lot of pee in the dating pool" seems to be a common phrase among single people. While this refers to the lack of potential quality mates that single people encounter, it does not fully express the true challenges of the current state of the dating world.  So I have added, "And some of us can't swim." We all know if there is pee in the pool, nobody wants to swim in it, and it is hard to avoid it if we try.  And, if you're not a good swimmer, and you're simply focused on staying afloat, you might not realize the pee is there. Likewise, when it comes to dating, you cannot avoid that of which you are not aware.  It can be difficult to find a good partner (and sometimes even a good date), as many people are not truthful about who they are, or what kind of intentions they have.  Others may be transparent about these things, but may lack a desire for anything substantial, while some may even admit to not actually being single. It can be challenging to figure out how to navigate through the cloudy waters of the dating pool, not knowing what to expect, or whom to trust.  In today's dating world, it is easy to become overwhelmed with all kinds of obstacles that did not exist in previous times. For example, dating apps can be confusing and tedious for singles, and can be fraught with undesirable mates. Additionally, today's dating language includes terms like situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, lovebombing, and catfishing, to name a few.  There is an entire new lexicon to learn that describes possible unfortunate experiences and outcomes for singles who are out in the world trying to date. 

As we know, individuals have all kinds of reasons for wanting to find a significant other, whether that be finding a life partner, or a friend with benefits, or anything in between.  Often you will see dating app profiles that jokingly state, "I am looking for a new emergency contact'" but this is only partly facetious.  Such challenges, like who to rely on in an emergency, or even with whom to spend the holidays, are real obstacles that uncoupled individuals must face.  As a psychologist (and a single person), I am well versed in the pros and cons of being single and dating.  I have learned, both professionally while working with my clients, and personally through my own experiences meeting people, that many singles struggle in ways that partnered individuals do not. Some singles can be so confused about their own values and needs, that they can't know how to be a good partner to someone else.  I have met individuals that have been trying to fill the void of single life with all kinds of replacement activities and emotional avoidance strategies, which are often maladaptive, and may end up hurting someone else. When we consider all of the possible negative outcomes of meeting someone new, it is no surprise that the dating pool has been described as one filled with pee. 

So with all of these dating difficulties, what is a single person to do? Fortunately, it is not all a cesspool of urinary waste! Dating can provide opportunities to meet individuals with whom you might not otherwise cross paths.  Dating apps allow people to interact with people from all over their state, country, and even the world.  While not all dates may lead to relationships, sometimes, the dating world is a gateway for interesting conversations and even new friendships.  In fact, these days, dating apps have friendship options, where you can connect with other singles who share common interests and are also looking to make new friends.  Years of research has shown us that social interaction, and social support, are essential to living satisfying, psychologically healthy, and even physically healthy lives. Yet, making friends as a single person is not always easy.  It can be common for married friends to have difficulty understanding what it is like to be single, and they are often busy with their own spouse and families.  Many singles describe feeling like the "third wheel" when socializing with their coupled friends.  Likewise, I was once invited to a married friend's house for a holiday.  When she changed her mind and decided to invite only couples instead, I suddenly found myself disinvited, without any holiday plans. While her decision was hurtful, I am guessing she couldn't understand the reasons it felt that way, as she likely never had to be alone on a holiday. 

Fortunately, these days there are all kind of options for social groups for single people. Singles can join social groups to meet others with common interests and enjoy all kinds of activities, whether that be to play pickleball, enjoy wine tasting, go to concerts, go kayaking, or anything else under the sun.  For some of us, that may sound awkward, right? (Remember what it felt like when you were in middle school, walking into the lunchroom, not knowing who you would sit with that day, and it seemed like everyone was part of some clique? Well, yeah, it can feel a bit like that.)  However, the good news is, it is not actually that way. At least, in my experience, at the few events I have attended for two different singles groups, I have found most people to be friendly and welcoming.  After all, as the title of a song from High School Musical tells us "We're all in this together." If we find other single friends that share similar life experiences, and can empathize with the challenges of single life and the dating world, then we are better able to enjoy all that life has to offer, and are likely to feel less alone while doing so. Years ago, I had a single client who would tell me at the beginning of each session "I really just want to surround myself with good people."  I think she had the right idea. 

After taking into account the dating pool obstacles described above, maybe the topic of this blog post would be best summarized as follows: There is a lot of pee in the dating pool, and some of us can't swim.  However, if we are willing to stay in the pool, and maybe flail around a bit until we get our bearings, we just might learn how to navigate the uncertain waters (and maybe even avoid the pee).  And while in the water, we may come across other swimmers who may help each other out, as we all try to make our way across the cloudy parts of the pool. We might learn some new swimming strokes along the way, or figure out which ones no longer serve us.  Regardless of how we swim, we may find that the dating pool can be a place where possibilities for fun, friendship, and perhaps even love, can be found.  

Now go put your feet in the water and get started!

"I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN": THOUGHTS ON SELF-EFFICACY

The concept of self-efficacy impacts many aspects of individuals' daily lives. Self-efficacy can be defined as a belief in one's own ability to succeed at a task or to accomplish one's goal. In other words, it is the self confidence that one will be effective at achieving a desired outcome.  

Canadian-born psychologist Albert Bandura, often referred to as one of the most influential psychologists in history, introduced the concept of self-efficacy.  He is credited with the statement, "Self-belief does not necessarily ensure success, but self-disbelief assuredly spawns failure."  Believing that you are capable of something makes it much more likely that you will succeed.  Self-efficacy can act as a motivator, as it can influence one's willingness to make an effort. It can also affect one's coping skills when faced with challenges. In my psychology practice, I have had some clients who, at the start of therapy, have felt that they were not confident in their own ability to use the tools of therapy to overcome obstacles in their lives.  Often, these clients would hesitate to initiate action based on the belief that they did not have the capacity to be successful in doing so. Yet, once they began employing the tools of therapy, they realized that they were competent and efficacious. They felt a sense of pride in having been able to effect change, which then motivated them to continue making further effort. 

It would seem that the flip side of self-efficacy is anxiety. If one has the belief that they can cope with whatever comes their way, they are less likely to experience anxiety during times of adversity. Those high in self-efficacy would be more likely to perceive challenges as conquerable. In contrast, individuals who have low self-efficacy may experience more anxiety and employ less adaptive coping strategies. Thinking you can handle something difficult if it happens decreases anxiety and fear, whereas thinking you can't handle something makes you more afraid, and perhaps more avoidant, of situations which may be challenging.  

We can all learn from the line "I think I can, I think I can," in the children's book The Little Engine That Could. Perseverance and positive thinking go a long way toward success. Whatever the challenge, whether it be confidence in one's ability to be successful at work, optimism that one can resolve a personal problem if it arises, or positive beliefs in one's ability to navigate obstacles in a relationship, the idea of self efficacy is central to all areas of life, during all phases of life. When you consider self-efficacy in terms of the lifespan, it might seem like ignorance is bliss.  For example, some people believe that youth think they are invincible (as the old saying goes).  I'll admit, my young adult children seem to have confidence that I, at times, may appear to lack. (I assume I used to be that way at their age though, too).  Now, in mid-life, there are times I feel less self-efficacious than I used to feel. Perhaps it goes along with the saying attributed to Albert Einstein, "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  

Simply put, as Helen Keller has been quoted, "Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  Perhaps we should add self-efficacy to that as well. A positive outlook and belief in oneself seem to be central to accomplishing all kinds of goals, at any age.  Maybe if there were a way to combine the optimism and fearlessness of youth, with the wisdom and experience of age, then we would all be able to exude high levels of self-efficacy. In the meantime, whatever obstacles we face, let's just keep reminding ourselves of The Little Engine That Could, and keep saying "I Think I Can, I Think I Can!"  

HEAR ME ROAR: RESILIENCE AND SENSITIVITY

For over the past decade, music superstar Katy Perry has gained mainstream popularity and media attention for her albums. She has released many hits over the years, including the song "Roar" which topped the charts in the United States and Canada.  The song promotes female empowerment and speaking up to advocate for oneself. Perry has described the song as being related to her personal journey of finding inner strength and resilience.  The lyrics to the chorus include the following:

"I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter

Dancing through the fire 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion 'cause I am a champion

And you're gonna hear me roar."

The song speaks about finding one's own voice and claiming one's own power.  Following its release, Perry hosted a benefit for a breast cancer organization called the Young Survival Coalition, where she performed the song. Since then, "Roar" has often been used as a symbol of fighting cancer, as well as facing other adversities in life. 

"Roar" was released in August 2013, which happens to be the same time that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I have been cancer free ever since then, but over the years, I have had many people comment on my strength and resilience.  An ex-boyfriend of mine from many years ago had said on the day we met "You've had cancer, that must mean you're tough as nails." However, a few years later, he broke up with me and told me that I was not as strong as he assumed I would be.  Another ex-boyfriend told me throughout our relationship how much he admired my strength and resilience, and praised me for my optimism while conquering life's adversities. When our relationship ended, he told me that the breakup should not be difficult for me, since in his mind, it should be completely insignificant compared to things like cancer. While all of these comments were challenging to deal with at the time, they do shed light on the misperceptions surrounding the topics of strength, resilience, and sensitivity.  Resilience can be described as the ability to bounce back and thrive in the face of adversity.  Sensitivity is often referred to as a heightened awareness of one's own emotions along with empathy for others. Resilience and sensitivity are not mutually exclusive. (Apparently, those particular ex-boyfriends of mine did not see it that way). 

The clients that I see in my clinical psychology practice are the most resilient human beings I have ever encountered.  Each week, I am grateful that they are willing to share their struggles with me, as I admire  their strength and fortitude while assisting them in weathering life's storms.  As I help clients explore how to navigate their challenges, such as chronic illness, debilitating OCD and anxiety, and grief and loss, just to name a few, they often express feeling as though their sensitivity to emotional challenges makes them weak.  However, their sensitivity is a powerful tool rather than a hindrance.  Intuitive understanding of the world is resilience. Emotional intelligence is power. Empathy is strength.

In the television series "The Pitt" which takes place in a hospital emergency department at the fictional Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center, there are many moments where sensitivity and resilience intersect. For example, in one of the episodes, a young girl's drowning accident has a lasting emotional impact on Dr. Mel King, a second year resident. Dr. Langdon, a senior resident, says to Dr. King, "You're a sensitive person. This is a tough place for sensitive people. But we need you. Badly."  I agree with Dr. Langdon.  Sensitive people are a necessity in the world.  Yet, there are so many environments and situations in life which discourage sensitivity. However, the ability to be sensitive to others' needs as well as one's own provides the potential for improved communication, greater connection, and ultimately, increased life satisfaction. 

"Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee, I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground"

Like the lyrics of "Roar" remind us, we can persevere despite life's challenges. We can be our own hero by being both sensitive and resilient, for ourselves and for others. 

AUTHENTICITY AND LANDSLIDES

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson speaks to upholding one's authenticity in a world full of pressure to conform. Staying true to your own values, beliefs, and goals is not an easy task, especially in today's stressful society.

When I think about authenticity, my 22 year old daughter comes to mind.  My daughter is an excellent example of an individual who does not let other people's opinions determine who she is or how she lives her life. She is my oldest child, and she will be graduating from college in a few weeks.  I admire her strength and confidence, and her willingness to assert herself in ways that allow her to be seen and heard.  Recently, I went to see one of her dance performances at college.  She had choreographed a dance to the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  I was excited that she had chosen this piece of music, as I used to listen to the song constantly when I was studying abroad in college.  While it used to make me sad to listen to it, as it was a reminder of the challenges I was encountering at the time, it had also been oddly comforting as I navigated a foreign country as a young adult.  The song still moves me today.  It reflects on encountering the uncertainties and challenges of life, and developing the fortitude to navigate through one's fears and face one's adversities.    

"Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

While life is in constant motion, evolving from one obstacle to the next, we truly only have ourselves to count on.  We have to make choices that we can live with, no matter what our friends or family think we should do. Whether it be our career, our significant other, or even how we spend our free time, we must decide what is best for us. We must trust ourselves to make choices that allow us to look in the mirror and say, "No matter what happens, I'm proud of myself for living authentically."

 

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 

Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too."

As the song lyrics refer to the changing seasons of life, and the passage of time, I am reminded that like my daughter, I am also at a transitional point in life as well. My kids are both adults, free to live their lives as they see fit. Likewise, I am now faced with the freedom to make choices that I have not encountered previously.  Despite all of the uncertainty that the future holds, I am excited for my adult children and for myself to be at this point in life. I am certain that, as long as we each live authentically, we have within us the strength and determination to overcome any of life's landslides that may come our way.

"LIFE IS NO NINTENDO GAME": BE YOUR OWN HEALTH ADVOCATE

Have you ever asked yourself the following questions: "If I only had one year to live, what would I do differently? With whom would I spend my time? How would I spend that time?"  Most of us don't think in those terms unless we are faced with some sort of crisis that challenges our mortality.  However, it can be helpful to stop and reflect on where we are in life and where we are going, before we are faced with its impending end. Questions that can help give our lives direction include ones such as, "Am I on the path I want to be on? What can I do to change things if I am not?"  As Eminem's lyrics tell us, "You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game."  There are no do-overs, and no rewinds, so we must make the most of life while we can.  In some cases, this means we must be assertive in getting our needs met.  Often, this assertiveness must come in the form of advocating for our own health needs.  

There are many people who struggle with anxiety about their health, even when there is no health crisis that is evident.  Health anxiety is one of the most common types of anxiety I see in my private practice.  It is easy to understand why. We have all heard stories of people we know suddenly passing away with no warning.  They were healthy individuals who exercised daily, had healthy diets, and went to see their physician regularly.  Then suddenly one day they have a heart attack, or find out they have stage four cancer, or discover some other sort of ailment that will significantly alter the course of their life. The Covid-19 pandemic certainly did not help these types of fears.  Many people lost loved ones to Covid, and it seemed to have the effect of increasing the incidence of both health anxiety and OCD (at least in my clinical practice).   

Sometimes there is a fine line between obsessive health anxiety, and being proactive in your own healthcare.  I have clients who feel they need to see their physician all the time for minor ailments, and in contrast, those who avoid physicians unless its an absolute emergency.  Many people find themselves in the emergency room only to learn that their symptoms were caused by anxiety. The healthcare system seems to have changed in ways that can make patients more anxious and uncertain about making the best healthcare decisions for themselves. Today, in some ways, medical professionals seem more unaccessible than in the past.  Medical offices have shorter hours in which they are open, and patients rarely get to have a direct phone call with their provider.  Most offices now have physician assistants or nurse practitioners, making it even harder to have contact with their doctor.  In addition, patients are often hesitant to ask questions or to disagree with their physicians. Many of my clients tell me they are afraid to bring up concerns to their physicians because of past experiences in which medical professionals have told them something to the effect of  "its all in your head."  This is not a helpful response from a physician.  Of course, most physicians are not dismissive to their patients. Yet, I see many clients who report these types of experiences, leaving them at a loss for how to deal with both their health anxiety, as well as how to advocate for themselves regarding their actual medical illnesses.   

I experienced what I felt was bias from a physician for the very first time when I was thirty three years old. I was still young and uncertain of myself, and I went to meet an ob/gyn that I had not seen before.  I was already the mother of a preschooler, and I told the doctor that I had recently taken several urine pregnancy tests, and that they were all positive.  She told me that because it was too soon for a pregnancy test to be positive, according to my typical cycle, that it was unlikely that I was pregnant.  I told her how I had symptoms of pregnancy similar to when I was pregnant with my first child, but she insisted that perhaps my symptoms were due to other reasons.  She even referred to a disorder in which women believe they are pregnant when they are not.  I was offended, to say the least.  I insisted that she give me a blood test to determine whether or not I was pregnant, since blood tests are more accurate.  I knew in my heart (and in my nauseous, tired body) that I was pregnant.  She argued with me that it was unecessary, but eventually agreed to the blood test.  My pregnancy, which the doctor said was not real, grew to be my 18 year old son who is now finishing his first year of college. Obviously, I switched providers after that, although not without some serious irritation.  Please do not misunderstand. I am not telling you not to trust your healthcare provider.  I myself am a healthcare provider and have the utmost respect for all medical professions.  I am simply saying you need to be a health advocate for yourself at all times, especially when you feel something is not right. 

There have been other times over the course of my adulthood that I have found myself in conflict with a healthcare provider.  Often, a physician will disregard something and say it's just due to stress.  I hear from my clients often about how a provider disregarded their health concerns as anxiety, only later to find out that in fact they had some medical disease. That's not to say that stress and anxiety don't play a role in health.  It certainly does.  There is a vast amount of research literature to support this.  However, its better to rule out the physical disease before automatically assuming a symptom is purely psychological. For example, a supervisor of mine during my training as a psychologist told me about a client who reported symptoms of olfactory hallucinations (the perception of smells that aren't really present), only to later discover she actually had a brain tumor causing these symptoms.  While this is a rare occurring example, it highlights the point that it is always better to rule out the medical causes first. 

Years ago I was referred to a neurologist for symptoms I was having that my doctor thought I needed to get checked out.  The neurologist ran some tests and told me I was fine, and suggested that it was just from stress and anxiety.  As it turned out, it was from a medication I had been taking, and the side effects caused these issues. As soon as I discontinued the medication, my symptoms resolved.  There are research studies to support this relationship between the symptoms I was experiencing and the effects of the medication.  I wish physicians would give more credence to their patients.  It is so important for patients to feel seen and heard by their medical professionals, and it is even ok for patients to be anxious about their health.  It doesn't always mean they have an "anxiety disorder".  Sometimes, they have a valid health issue, and health issues naturally cause anxiety.  There is a difference between normal anxiety related to a health problem, and someone who obsessively worries about their health when there is no evidence of a medical issue.  

Margaret Thatcher said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."  Overcoming a challenge may require repeated efforts and perseverance.  In the same way, if you have health concerns, you should pursue answers until you have evidence one way or another.  If you feel dismissed by your doctor, seek a second opinion. I have had to do this before, only to find out that in fact I was correct in my concerns. "It is better to be safe than sorry" as the saying goes. It is better to take action now to investigate a concern, in order to avoid negative consequences later on. This is especially true when it comes to one's health.  In the same way (and to circle back to the original questions), it is better to make changes to improve our life satisfaction now, rather than wait until it is too late and the opportunities have passed us by.  "You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game."

JUST BE

In today's world, in the year 2024, there are so many distractions in daily life that it is hard to slow down and focus on one's own well-being.  We are constantly being pulled in different directions, and it seems as though there is never enough time in the day to accomplish all of our goals. As we race to keep up with our tasks each day, it becomes difficult to pause and be mindful of each moment.  We get caught up in the have to's, the should be's, the need to's, etc. I hesitate to quote from the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off (as it is quite overused, and I have probably discussed it in previous blog entries already), but it still holds true.  "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." As such, it is imperative that we make an effort to pause and appreciate everything that is in the present moment. 

The other day I was walking around my neighborhood thinking how nice it was to "just be." What I mean by that is, it was nice to just pause, breathe, and be present in the moment.  I was noticing the warm sun on my skin (which can be a rarity in the fall months in Michigan). I was enjoying looking at halloween decorations, and watching neighborhood kids playing with their friends. I did not have anywhere I needed to be at the moment, or anything I needed to do.  I was not in a rush, as I usually am, and I was able to leisurely walk through the neighborhood, as though I did not have a care in the world. (I did, of course, as we all do, but during this walk I was able to put those worries aside). I was being intentional about being aware of my surroundings, using my senses to appreciate my environment, and focus outwardly, rather than inwardly.  It is a precious gift to appreciate the world around us, for those of us that are able to use our senses to do so.  For example, we can enjoy the taste of sweet chocolate chip cookies, the relaxing feel of a warm shower, the scent of roses, the melodic sound of children laughing, and the sight of the vast blue ocean.   

During my walk, I was able to let go of the need to think about anything other than what I was doing at the present time. I was able to be happy with what was happening in that moment, and not worry about what would be, or what had been. I think we all get to a point in our lives where we just want things to quiet down.  We want less chaos, less stress, and less uncertainty.  We want things to be simpler, whether it be our jobs, our relationships, or our health.  Maybe it is getting older that brings this to the forefront of our minds, realizing that life will end at some point in time, and wanting our days until then to be peaceful and rewarding.  Or maybe it is having enough life experience to realize that happiness can be hard to come by, and that worry is hard to avoid, and so we learn to be grateful for the joy that we do have.  

Speaking of worry, there is nothing like a natural disaster to exacerbate one's worry. Last week, a hurricane was headed towards my family in Florida.  While they were dealing with preparing for the impending hurricane, all I could do was sit back in Michigan and hope for the best. I watched news reports all night, and kept in contact through phone calls and texts, but there was nothing I could do but wait. It was all out of my control.  (It was out of everyone's control, of course). All I could do was just be...just be patient, just be calm, and just be present.  A hurricane is a great reminder of how things can change in an instant, and how lucky we are when there is no immediate crisis to manage. We learn to relish in the quiet moments, where we get to be grateful that we are able to just be.  

Last week, a day or so after the hurricane had hit, I watched the live-streaming of a sermon that was given by a local Rabbi on the holiday of Yom Kippur.  He made reference to the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin.  He said that a better way of thinking about the name of that song is, "Worry, and Be Happy." Worry is an unavoidable emotion that is part of being human.  Yet, it is necessary to be able to be happy even amidst our worries. (It should be acknowledged that, separate from typical worry, many people struggle with persistent worry and anxiety that is hard to control and interferes with daily life. Psychological services from a professional can help one learn to better manage this prevalent mental health issue.)  In regards to the sermon,  Rabbi stated that, with everything that goes on in today's world, and in our lives, we "can't just be miserable and scared and angry all the time" because this negatively impacts our relationships, and our lives.  He spoke of how we have the capacity to choose to be happy and to find joy even in the hard times. (This idea is actually similar to the entries in this blog, which I started in 2013, to highlight the importance of finding the silver linings even in challenging situations). Rabbi explained that it is actually "a mitzvah to enjoy your life".  A mitzvah is the Hebrew word for a good deed, with the literal translation being a commandment to be performed as a religious duty. As the Rabbi discussed, we have an obligation to appreciate and enjoy our lives. We should do so, even in times of difficulty and stress. Or perhaps, especially in times of difficulty and stress.  

I might add, in addition to needing to appreciate our lives and the joy that comes with it, we have the opportunity, and the right, to "just be." Today, while waiting at an appointment, I overheard a lovely 91 year old woman talking to her husband.  She was laughing and joking with those around her, and seemed quite content to be there, just sitting in the waiting room. I thought to myself, I want to be just like her at that age, and hope that I get that opportunity. I hope we can all be like her...to just be present, to just be patient, to just be open to seeing what happens, to just be in the moment, and to just be ourselves.  

NINE RED FLAGS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

A few years ago, I posted a blog entry about toxic, manipulative people.  Things have changed a bit since then, as these days there is much more talk of narcissism in casual conversation than ever before.  The word Gaslighting (which refers to an abuser trying to manipulate their victim by getting them to question their own perception and judgment) has become common in everyday language. It seems that anyone who has a former significant other likes to refer to their ex as either a gaslighter or a narcissist. Unfortunately, this takes away from the actual seriousness of narcissism and the damage that it causes. Narcissistic abuse is real. A narcissist is more than just a selfish person who is insensitive to others. Narcissists prey on empathetic people who provide "supply" in the form of admiration and attention.  Narcissists are attracted to those who possess the qualities that they lack, such as compassion and empathy. They seek to gain control over their victims by putting on a fake image in order to maintain their own feelings of self worth.  There is a certain type of narcissist, called a covert narcissist, who can be especially hard to identify.  A covert narcissist may appear to be shy, withdrawn, and sometimes even self-deprecating (in contrast to the boisterous narcissist who is always boasting about himself).  As Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero states, "Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism".  This statement is an example of how these individuals try to appear helpful when in fact they are doing it for their own selfish reasons.  For the purpose of this blog entry, I am going to outline nine red flags of narcissists (although there are many more), using examples from a couple, whom I will refer to as Mac, the male covert narcissist, and RT, his girlfriend. (To protect their privacy, these are not their real names or initials.) 

Mac and RT started dating several months into Mac's divorce. (Side note: It's never a good idea to date someone while they are going through a divorce). Mac jumped into the relationship quickly, and he made it appear as though RT was the center of his world, essentially his "dreamgirl".  At first he would share all of his thoughts and feelings with RT.  He said he had never felt this way before. Mac and RT's relationship started out like a beautiful love story, or so it seemed. Mac had mastered the art of love bombing (Red Flag #1: Love bombing, which is not based on a genuine connection, but rather a tool to gain trust and dependency from one's partner.) Love bombing involves showering another person with attention and affection to win them over. Mac would tell RT that they were two peas in a pod. He would mold himself in ways that appeared to RT that they were similar.  However, real connection takes time to build and grow. Trust takes time to develop.  Mac would surprise RT every day by leaving sweet gifts at her door.  He called and texted throughout the day, always making sure she had everything she needed.  He planned dates and outings for the two of them.  He made it seem like it was a love like no other he had ever experienced.  RT tried telling Mac that he should slow down and figure out his new divorced life without being in a new relationship with her so soon. She suggested that they stop dating while he figured out what he really wanted.  Yet Mac insisted that he was certain he was meant to be with her.  Mac took his love bombing so far that he would even send RT listings of houses that he wanted to one day look at with her, as he constantly talked of moving in together. (Red Flag #2: Future Faking, and making false promises about the long term potential of the relationship).  Mac continued to try to convince RT that she was the love of his life and that they had a beautiful future ahead of them. 

Then one day Mac changed his loving behaviors and began to pull away.   He started being hesitant to commit to anything with RT. RT started noticing that he was inconsistent in his words and actions (Red Flag #3: Words and behavior not matching up suggests dishonesty). He would promise one thing but then do another.  He would always have an excuse as to why something did not happen the way it was supposed to happen. After RT expressed her concern, Mac decided he would let RT see his location, using a phone app, thinking that this would reassure her that he only had eyes for her.  Of course, while those location apps are not 100 percent accurate, there was enough sketchy pieces of information on multiple occasions to lead her to wonder what else might be going on. 

Mac had a plethora of women friends, none of whom he would allow RT to meet. (Red Flag #4: Keeping his world separate from her and information shared only on a need-to-know basis). It seemed like perhaps he wanted to keep his options open with other women, despite constantly denying that. In fact, early on he told RT that she should date other people, but that he only wanted to date her. (If she was the love of his life, as he called her, then how could he fathom the idea of RT going on dates with other men?) He made changes to his privacy settings on social media so that she could not see his friendships. He would say he was going out of town to see family, but later RT would learn that in fact he never left and just didn't think to mention it to her. The shadiness and dishonesty was growing daily. Mac wanted RT to think he was trying to be transparent, so he began letting her check his phone occasionally, with his permission. Each time, there would be some little tidbit of information she would find that would raise her suspicions even more.  Once she overheard him talking on the phone with one of his close female friends.  The woman referred to him as "honey".  Mac said this was just how she spoke. This particular female friend's texts included heart and kissing emojis. She wasn't the only one though.  There were texts with multiple females. They were women Mac said he grew up with, women that lived near him, women that he worked with, and women that he was doing work for, etc. None of them were women that RT was allowed to meet, despite multiple promises of doing so "when the time was right."  Mac was insistent on keeping his world separate from her. One night, in the middle of the night, RT received a text from Mac about something related to his job, but it ended in love emojis like they would send to each other.  He insisted he was half asleep and that the text was meant for RT, even though the content looked like it was meant for a co-worker. Interestingly, Mac once told RT that his ex-wife used to think he was cheating on her with someone from work.  Perhaps she was right. 

As time went on, whenever RT wanted to talk about something that concerned her, Mac would either get extremely angry, or withdraw, or disappear completely.  It seemed he never had any intention of trying to make the relationship work. (Red Flag #5 :Avoidance and anger as a communication tactic to control the situation). His behavior often appeared like that of a child's temper tantrums. Furthermore, there was never an apology for his behavior.   He could be sweet and loving and kind one minute, and then the next he would appear out of control. He said that RT was at fault, because she was accusing him of things he was not doing. He blamed RT for his anger. Mac's anger, like most narcissists, was a force to be reckoned with, as his outbursts would occur without warning, in an effort to control the situation and avoid having to talk about anything.  One time he threw something off the kitchen counter and it left a hole in the wall. Another time he got angry while driving, and slammed on the brakes in the middle of a 45 mph road. There came a time when RT needed a medical procedure done and she was relying on Mac for help before and after. Unfortunately, the procedure went poorly, and she ended up with doctor's instructions not to be left alone afterwards.  Mac refused to stay with her, stating that he was tired of her accusations and done with the relationship.  When Mac had angry outbursts, he would blame RT for them, never taking accountability for his own behavior.  If he was called out on any of it, a tantrum would ensue.  He would walk out on her and then leave RT's texts unread for days, or take days to reply. This behavior of ignoring someone was meant to exert control. Ignoring someone invalidates their feelings and makes them feel invisible. He would take everything to the extreme, blocking her calls and texts when he was angry. 

One day, RT found an old phone in Mac's car. (Red Flag #6: Using technology to engage in deceptive behaviors). He said it was so he could access things regarding his divorce, without his ex wife knowing.  However, RT found dating apps on Mac's old phone.  He said he downloaded dating apps years ago during his marriage, when things were first strained, but insisted he never used them and never even made a profile. However, it was also possible that these apps were current, and he was using them to cheat on RT.  In addition, in regards to technology, one weekend RT went out of town with a friend, and came back to find her video doorbell and her internet were hacked.   RT was worried about the security of her technology, and she asked Mac to come over that night to help her. (Ironically, prior to her leaving town, he had offered to come by while she was away to help her with internet issues she had been having, although she had declined). Mac refused to come over that night, saying he had other things to do. His behavior surrounding the whole situation seemed odd. When he finally showed up, he demonstrated a complete lack of concern for her well being, and wasn't interested in helping her find a solution to the problem.  There were also times prior to that when he would visit her, and he would do something secretly on his phone but not let her see it. He told her each time that he was turning off his wifi so he didn't connect to other people's internet in nearby houses and thereby slow down his phone.  (Why would he be connecting to her neighbors' wifi? Or was that just an excuse for something else that was shady that he was doing?)  The use of technology in today's world offers a variety of opportunities for dishonesty and manipulation. 

There were too many questions, and too many negative events. Mac was suddenly like a tornado in RT's life. RT broke up with Mac on multiple occasions.   However, he kept returning, trying to "hoover" her back into his life with repeated love bombing (Red Flag #7: Hoovering is an informal word used to describe when one manipulates another person back into a toxic relationship). Mac had always insisted that once he was done with a relationship he was gone forever.  However, he kept coming back, trying to convince RT to give them another chance.  

Mac appeared to believe that no matter the topic, he was always correct. He had a haughty, arrogant way of giving the impression that he thought he was better than others, without ever actually coming out and saying so (Red Flag #8: Acting as if one is better than others). RT would notice Mac's arrogant smirk at something she said, or see a smug look cross his face. Mac seemed to think he was always right, and RT was always wrong. The entire time they dated, RT knew in her gut something was very wrong.  She knew this from the very beginning, when they first met. She sensed there was more than meets the eye, and used to joke with him that he was a mystery man giving off lots of mixed messages. As time went on, it was clear it was no longer a joking matter, as Mac began to give her the feeling that she was not safe around him (Red flag #9: Your gut instinct is telling you something important). She would get stomach aches and anxiety around him, always wondering what was really going on behind her back.

We all might be wondering, why did RT stay? She happened to be an intelligent, loving, attractive woman, so why would she stick around for all this nonsense? It should be noted that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. Covert narcissists are especially adept at hiding their true intentions. Intermittent reinforcement is a tool used by a narcissist to provide love and support, and then suddenly take it away, only to give it back again. It is a cycle that has similar effects on one's brain as becoming addicted to a drug.  Despite all of the toxicity that RT experienced, she still held onto the hope of potential she saw from the beginning, when Mac was so convincingly good to her.  Yet, Mac was a chameleon, and underneath his intermittent charming exterior, he was cold hearted and only looking out for himself.  As time went on, Mac was cruel to RT much more often than he was kind to her. His transparency decreased daily, and his disrespect grew.  Mac likely eventually came to realize that RT would never go back to seeing him the way he wanted her to see him, now that his true colors had shown through.  RT's mistake was that she assumed that she was immune to the traumatic effects of his deceitful ways, and that he would not be able to take advantage of her in the ways that he likely did with others.  She stayed in the relationship for the time that she did because she was determined to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Mac and RT's relationship did not last all that long, however it was long enough to make an impact.  No one can ever win with a narcissist, because they don't participate in or experience relationships like healthy people do. As Olivia Rodrigo tells us in her song Vampire "You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart." 

EMPTY NESTING...AND REFLECTIONS ON TIME

The other day it occurred to me that I have not written a blog entry in several years. I was disappointed by this realization, as I used to love writing. I would get fulfillment from putting my thoughts on paper, rather than just keeping them stuck swirling around inside my head. I suppose the reason for not writing, as is true for much of life's plans, is that time passes so quickly that we never get around to achieving many of our goals. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" is a famous quote that speaks to this idea. Today I decided it was time to remedy this situation.  As I reflected on how much time has passed since my last blog entry, I realized that the topic of time needed to be an entry in and of itself.  

Time. It is the one commodity that we can never get back.  As both of my children are attending college this year, I am constantly reminded of how quickly time passes. My daughter is a senior and my son is a freshman.  Having not just one, but both of my children away at school this year, is a sharp reminder of how the years go by in the blink of an eye.  In my private practice as a psychologist I work with clients who are young adults through retirement age.  There are so many milestones and transitions in life that highlight the importance of time. Many of my current clients are in the child rearing stages of life, and discussing parenting challenges with them is a stark reminder of both the joy and loss inherent in the passage of time.  

Recently, a friend and I were talking about how exciting it is for our college aged children to have everything ahead of them.  There are so many possibilities as a young adult, for career, for love, for adventure.  In contrast, we discussed how we are at the stage of life now where all of the excitement of uncertainty has faded, and instead, we are left with the fear of uncertainty in its place.  We no longer think we are invincible with a lifetime ahead of us.  Rather, we realize how precious time is, and how we don't know when our journey will come to an end. Every day we learn of another loss of human life, for all kinds of reasons, and we know that eventually our time will run out as well. Being an empty nester is a reminder that while we are headed downhill towards the conclusion of life's adventures, our children are on the journey upwards, where all kinds of wonderful possibilities hopefully await them.  In this awareness is the underlying understanding that seeing our children grow up means, in essence, that we are growing old.  

Speaking of empty nest syndrome, hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes.  Every day I am flooded with memories of my kids growing up. I reminisce about activities we did, trips we took, and events we celebrated. I have been a divorced parent the majority of their lives, and the challenges of co-parenting certainly took its toll.  While my children don't remember these struggles in exactly the same way that I do, (as they were not privy to the whole picture as young children), these taxing moments are forever etched in my mind. Parenting is difficult, no matter what. Single parenting, for anyone, is even more difficult. Nevertheless, I would not take back a moment of parenting my children. It is the most challenging and yet most rewarding job that exists.  If I could do it all over again I am sure I would do it better this time around, as wisdom comes from experience.  

The other day I was in Target and I watched a mom and her toddler strolling the aisles as if they didn't have a care in the world.  They were playing and being silly while looking at Halloweeen decorations. The child's laugh was so joyful and infectious that I could not help but smile to myself.  There are days when I wish I could turn back time and do it all over again.  Like the mother and toddler in the store, I miss the days when my kids thought I was the best thing that ever happened to them, and would hug me like they never wanted to let go.  However, there is freedom and peace in seeing that my kids have grown up to be independent, kind, loving, responsible, contributing  human beings in society.  I'd like to think that I am, at least partially, responsible for that.  I wouldn't change a moment of the past memories, even the difficult ones. They flood my mind like videos playing on repeat...memories of sleepless nights, colic, breastfeeding, birthday parties, playdates, bike rides, vacations, dance competitions, travel baseball tournaments, teenage angst, first loves, college applications, and more. When each of my children turned eighteen I thought, "We did it!"  We made it through.  We survived.  And, even with the trials and tribulations that life brings, they thrived.  If I could go back and soak up every moment of their childhood again I would.  However, those days are gone, and in its place I am left with pride and joy watching my young adult children navigate their way through the world.   It is hard to get older and see that the life ahead of you is much shorter than the life behind you. However, these days I get to turn the focus around a bit and ask myself, what do I want next for myself? How can I spend my time in the most meaningful ways possible? My children have their roots and their wings, and now it is my turn to thrive.  

TOXIC MOLD, TOXIC MANIPULATORS: PERCEPTION IS NOT REALITY

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a man whose house had an odd smell to it, and there were ominous looking dark spots on his ceiling. He had been unwilling to investigate it previously, assuming it was an insignificant issue.  However, by the time I moved in and insisted we have it checked out, it had gotten so bad that the remediation company said we had the highest levels of toxic black mold that they had ever seen.  It had multiplied over the years, starting from a small leak in the ceiling that grew into an infestation that affected the entire house. It required us to move out and dispose of many of our belongings.  I moved out, and moved on from both the toxic mold and the harmful manipulation I had endured throughout that relationship.  Manipulators, like mold, can slowly and stealthily try to take over many areas of your life.  It is important to see the warning signs of both, as your health and well-being depend on it.  

Over the years, and especially during the pandemic, I have had a surprisingly large number of clients contact me for therapy related to narcissistic abuse and other toxic relationship issues.  Sometimes, clients seek out therapy because they are well aware of what has transpired in their relationships, and other times, they are blindsided by the manipulation and emotional abuse they have endured.  The manipulators have been their husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends, dates, friends, and bosses.  Manipulators tend to seek out those that are very empathic, as they feed off of the attention and care that compassionate people give to their partners.  Often, the narcissist will be good looking, charming, intelligent, and appear to be compassionate as well.  They seem to know just what to say and do.  They try to give you what they think you want from them. Sometimes they use drawn out explanations of things, with more detail than might seem necessary.  Despite the detail they use in relaying a story, it can seem like they are giving vague or evasive answers. They may have odd excuses for the simplest things. For example, I met a guy once who told me the reason he was late to our date was that he needed to bike ride over to his brother's house because his brother had a toothache (Spoiler alert: No, he is not a dentist, and no, he was not actually at his brother's house). If you pay close enough attention to the red flags, you may find that things don't add up.  If you figure out that they are being dishonest, and they become aware that you can see through their lies, a manipulator will do anything to either convince you that you are wrong, or they will disconnect from you.  

Unfortunately (but perhaps not surprisingly, as I tend to be an empathic person), I have had my fair share of encounters with toxic people.  I once dated a man for several years who I realized had been cheating on me.  There were multiple signs that he was being unfaithful, such as finding women's clothes and jewelry in his house that did not belong to me or anyone that lived there.  He would not always be where he said he was going to be. He would hide his phone when we were together, and be inaccessible when he was out of town.  He told me when I met him that he had cheated in the past, and that he always had an exit plan in relationships, until he met me (of course). Looking back after the relationship ended, I realized how everything had to be on his terms.  He would talk about how I was the only one for him, but in reality, he was the only one for him.  I should have left as soon as I saw the signs, but like many people do, I tried to communicate about it and make it work, for awhile anyway.  

Sometimes, you find these manipulators already in your work or social circles, which can be especially difficult to navigate. For example, I found myself in the presence of a man who raised red flags, but whom I had to see often in my regular daily life.  From the beginning, I felt he wasn't being truthful, and I pointed out his inconsistencies, as well as the fact that he seemed to be trying to cross boundaries.  It appeared as though he was simply playing a game for his own entertainment. He told me from the beginning "Perception is not reality."  There is some truth to the saying that we see things as we are, not as they actually are.  In this case, however, it seemed like an attempt to tell me that whatever negative thing I would come to think I knew about him, or hear about him (something he was very concerned about), that I would be wrong.  He tried hard to convince me of his good intentions, and I played along for awhile. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and to be friendly, because of the frequency with which we had to cross paths. However, there were too many inconsistencies, and a lot of words not backed up by actions.  When he realized he was unable to convince me, he did what he could to disconnect.  

As in the example of mold discussed earlier, when it comes to a manipulator, you might not always realize right away that there is a problem.  Beautiful paint and decor (like a charming smile and lots of attention) can cover up the toxicity which exists underneath.  Perception is not always reality.  When dealing with a toxic person, it can be difficult to know what is real and what is not.  Over enough time, however, things usually become clear.  The following are ten key points to remember that relate to the examples I just described above.  Keep these in mind if you find yourself dealing with a toxic, manipulative person.

1. Trust your gut. There is research to support the idea that your gut instinct is correct, and aware of pertinent information, even before your logical brain has a chance to process and make sense of it.   

2. Pay attention to actions, not words.  Narcissists, liars, and manipulators tend to say things they think you'll want to hear, but their actions usually fail to back them up.  They may make promises they can't keep, and may insinuate a closer relationship with you than what actually exists. 

3. Keep your eyes and ears open, but keep your observations to yourself. Knowledge is power, but not when it's shared with the manipulator.  

4. Intermittent reinforcement is not good. Recognize it for what it is.  Psychological research shows that reward delivered at irregular intervals results in the greatest effort from research subjects. In toxic relationships, it makes the person feel more bonded to their abuser, and makes them try harder to make things work. The attention and affection from the manipulator is sporadic and unpredictable, which serves to keep the person connected. 

5. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  A leopard does not change his spots.  If you think your partner has a history of dishonesty, it would be wise to pay attention, as it is possible for that behavior to continue.   

6. Know your own worth. Once you do, you won't settle for a toxic relationship.  

7. Don't engage. Don't poke the bear.  Don't try to get answers or give explanations.  Just Don't. You will never win with a manipulator.  Freedom from their control or influence is the only way to win.  

8. Peace of mind is priceless.  Always put your well-being first.  It is always better to be alone than to be in a toxic relationship.  

9. True, meaningful connections take time to develop.  "Lovebombing" is when a toxic person showers you with attention, gifts, compliments and affection in the beginning of a relationship, only to later withdraw it.  It is not true love, but part of the cycle of abuse. 

10.  Don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch.  Or rather, don't assume that every person out there (especially in the dating world) is out to take advantage of you. Yes, there are the manipulators.  However, there are still good, honest men and women out in the world trying to make true connections. Take things slowly, keep your eyes and ears open, and true colors will emerge over time.  

PANDEMIC PONDERINGS

As I write this blog entry, we have now been living through the COVID-19 pandemic for the past six months.  In some ways, time has flown by, and in others, it feels like time has stood still.  I have had many thoughts about the pandemic and have made many interesting observations along the way. Yet as I sit here now, on the holiday of Labor Day, it all still seems very surreal.  

Labor Day is an annual tribute to the achievements of American workers.  It originated in the late 19th century at a time when the average American was working long hours, in poor conditions, with little pay. Over time, labor unions began organizing strikes and protests. Eventually, the holiday of Labor Day was created to recognize the contributions of the American worker.  In recent times, Labor Day weekend also represents the end of summer and the start of the back to school season. However, this holiday weekend brings with it many cautions, as the CDC warns that a lack of social distancing is likely to increase spikes in coronavirus cases.   

The pandemic that began towards the end of 2019 has now spanned the entire globe.  At present, it has resulted in over 27 million cases of the COVID-19 virus globally, and 881,000 deaths.  There does not seem to be an end in sight, although there is hope that a safe and effective vaccine will be readily available in 2021.  I have viewed this "unprecedented" time in history from multiple lenses.  As a clinical psychologist, I have seen the detrimental effects it has had on mental health.  Anxiety disorders and depression are at an all time high, and those that used to feel like their mental health challenges were somewhat manageable, now find themselves unable to cope.  I have also seen the grief and loss when client's family members have become sick with the virus and have died.  I have seen the unique challenges the pandemic has created for our youth, and the toll of social isolation and missing out on milestone events.  I have seen how much of a struggle it is to be divorced and try to co-parent when an ex-spouse has different perspectives on what it means to stay safe, and to keep kids safe.  I have seen how parents of young children have struggled with the unique challenges of juggling virtual school and work.  I have personally experienced feeling more at risk because of my health history of being a cancer survivor.  Mostly, however, I have been surprised to see how people's opinions can differ so greatly. I have been disheartened by how much inequality exists in our world, how corrupt politics can be, and how unfortunately, science doesn't always conquer all, especially when it is sometimes blatantly ignored.  

At the start of the pandemic, I moved my psychology practice to Telehealth sessions.  As I was packing up my office, I noticed that the last quote I had written on my quote board was one by Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world." At this point, I'm thinking COVID-19 might be the one thing that defeats more people than anything else in the world.  However, fear is certainly vast and powerful in these uncharted times. The anxiety and uncertainty that humans have faced due to this pandemic is likely to persist for years after this global crisis ends.  Through the toilet paper shortage, the stay at home orders, the unemployment rates, the online schooling, and everything in between, we have learned just one thing is certain.  That is, there really is no certainty in life. You can't always predict or plan for tomorrow.  If we've learned nothing else from these challenging times, we've certainly learned that you never know what tomorrow brings.  Learning to be flexible and adapt to uncertainty is possibly the most important life skill you can ever learn.  It is also one of the most difficult.  Additionally, we've learned how important it is to appreciate the people in your life, because you never know what might happen that will prevent you from getting to see them again.  For single people, such as myself, the pandemic has taught us even more about coping with increased times of isolation. 

For some, the pandemic has created an increase in feelings of guilt and questions of morality.  The idea that socializing with others has become dangerous is something we would not normally think about.  I find many people struggling with whether or not they are "bad" if they choose to attend a social event or decline it.  These are questions we may ask ourselves now that would never have been factors in our decision making in the past.  Likewise, wearing a mask (or not wearing one) has certainly become a focus of conflict.  I will admit, I've been surprised at how many people refuse to wear a mask to protect themselves and others.  Just the other day I was in line to use a public restroom, and the other people nearby smirked and laughed at me for wearing a mask. Likewise, I was discouraged to see patients and staff at a medical office without properly worn masks. The issue of masks has been at the center of violence in many situations and places.   

In the beginning of spring, when our country was becoming overwhelmed with increasing cases and deaths from the virus, my clients with OCD would tell me how they felt better than their friends and family.  Ironically, they were coping better than others, as they felt they had been preparing for this their whole lives.  Avoiding germs and contamination came naturally to them.  Granted, for some of my anxious clients it was the tipping point in which they felt they could not handle any other stressor in addition to this one.   However, some felt like the rest of the world was finally getting to know what it was like to have mental health challenges. Did anyone without anxiety ever think of disinfecting their groceries before this pandemic hit? Unlikely.  Suddenly germaphobia was the norm.  Similarly, for my introverted or socially anxious clients, the stay at home order was a nice reprieve from the social pressures of our fast paced daily lives.  

So what are all these "pandemic ponderings" really about, besides just describing my observations? And what, if anything, does a pandemic have to do with Labor Day anyway?  It comes down to one thing, really. The only way for us to overcome COVID-19 is to work together.  Whether it's working together towards a vaccine, or working to teach our children virtually or in person, or working to help our friends and family stay healthy and safe, the only way to do so is to join together.  On this Labor Day, let us remember that this holiday is not just about barbecues and family and friends, but rather it is a tribute to the contributions workers have made towards the strength and prosperity of our country.  It took a common goal and joint effort to get to a point where workers could see improvements in their work life, and have a national holiday created to acknowledge them.  The unrest and rallies and protests that ensued for years before Labor Day became a holiday is a reminder of how we cannot give up when people's health and safety depend on it.  In my opinion, the next celebration of strength, well being, and contribution, such as historically describes Labor Day, would be the day that our world overcomes COVID-19, together. Happy Labor Day, and please be safe!

THE IRONY OF LONELINESS

In my private practice, I often see clients who are struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation. Many state that, if only they felt less lonely, they would be able to experience more in their life, and they would be happier.  People feel lonely for different reasons.  Some may experience loneliness because they are without a significant other, while it can seem like the rest of the world is coupled up.  Some feel lonely because of a lack of friends and social support.  Some feel lonely because they actually do have a partner, or a large social network, yet they still feel separate and alone, despite this social connectedness.  Whatever the cause of one's loneliness, the irony of it is that we all feel lonely at one time or another.  Loneliness, which makes us feel separate from others, is actually the emotion that unites us all together.

Like most people, I have known different kinds of loneliness. I've known the unique loneliness of temporarily living in a foreign country and having everyone I know thousands of miles away.  I've known the more common loneliness of being in unhappy relationships.  Being in a bad relationship can often make people feel more lonely than if they were actually alone.  I've also known the loneliness of losing friendships, of not seeing my kids every day, and of battling medical issues without family or a significant other around.  Most importantly, I have known that, regardless of these life challenges, the feelings of loneliness are temporary and changeable.  We are all connected by the universal human experience of feeling lonely.  It is ironic that, when you have times that you feel all alone, you are actually experiencing the same feelings shared by many others.

Loneliness and social isolation not only challenge our emotional well-being, but threaten our physical health as well.  Research has found an association between loneliness and increased risk of mortality.  This may be due to many factors. For example, social connection is associated with positive health behaviors, such as eating healthy, getting exercise, and receiving medical care.  In contrast, loneliness can influence people to engage in behaviors that are not good for their health, such as smoking, drinking, drug use, and weight gain. Relationships can make people feel accepted and cared for, and thereby reduce the impact of stress, whereas loneliness can have direct negative effects on the immune system.  There have been increased studies in recent years on the association between loneliness and health problems.  These include conditions such as high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer's disease, depression, suicide, cancer, and obesity.

Today's world of technology and social media certainly plays a role in the issue of loneliness.  There are several ways of thinking about this. We can view it as a remedy to social isolation, as it connects people all over the world.  For example, if you are struggling in some way, there are websites and chat rooms to find support and feel less alone in facing challenges.  If you are looking for friends or a date, there are apps to connect you to others looking for the same thing.  However, social media can  have its drawbacks.  Social media tends to create an atmosphere of increased social comparison that might not occur to such an extent without the internet.  We can see this to be true especially for teenagers.  If you can see that all your peers are at a party without you, or that you're the only one who didn't find a date for the dance, or the only one who didn't make the basketball team, then social media can increase feelings of aloneness.

If you are feeling lonely or socially isolated, there are steps you can take to change this. Try volunteering for a cause you believe in, as helping others can bring a sense of community.  Join a club or group where you can meet like-minded people and spend time doing activities you enjoy.  Make a phone call to that longtime friend or family member whom you haven't spoken to in years.  Even spending a few minutes talking to a stranger standing in line with you at the grocery store can make you both feel more connected to the social world.  If loneliness becomes chronic for you, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help.  Speaking to a psychologist can help you identify negative thinking and behaviors that may impact your feelings of loneliness, as well as take steps to feel more connected and less alone.